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| Wed, 08-16-2006 - 11:21am |
I have posted on these boards before and gotten a lot of help so hopefully it can work again.
I have been with my bf for about a year. We have had a great relationship until this month. He has been having big family problems and problems at work and with money. He (I've known this from the start) likes to sort of seclude himself and be alone when he is upset and that helps him get over things (I of course am the exact opposite and like to surround myself in activities and friends but oh well).
He came to me and asked if I would give him a week of space. I told him I loved him and want him to be happy so I would do it if that's what he needs. That first week didn't go so well, we talked 2 or 3 times (on both sides), then hung out the next week and kept talking every day on the phone. I'm afraid that I should have pulled back more, even when he was calling me too, because now he has decided I have to give him more space yet again.
When we talked after the first week, I told him I was willing to slow things down a bit and give him more time alone. I told him I'd at least like to speak on the phone a little bit, and maybe see each other once a week to start with. Well, that seemed to go ok and now he is completely pulled away and we haven't spoken in 5 days (I have not called him once).
I guess I am jsut worried that we started back too fast. How do I get him to know I want to keep working through things with him if we can't even talk? I don't want to call him and rush things again, but I miss talking to him so much. I want to have some sort of deadline on this "space" because I feel like it would help me move forward but he can't give me one. Maybe two more weeks? All of my friends are telling me to go out and meet someone new to get over him, but I honestly don't want to do that because I want to be with him. I am also nervous because I know from his past that when things get hard, he runs away....mutual friends have told me that if he wanted to be broken up with me, he would have left and this is a big thing for him to try to work on problems...Can relationships last through breaks like this? How do you get back to where it used to be?

Sweetie, I think it's more him that's the problem that anything else. It seems that you really want things to work out, but he's getting stressed to the point where he doesn't know what he really TRUELY wants. Yeah he might be havin problems with work, money, and god knows what else, but that's doesn't give him the right to play with your feelings. In this instance, he's only thinking about himself, and not realizing that it is hurting you in the long run. And you seem to be making any excuse you can for his issues. Ask yourself this question, how much longer are you going to wait and waste your time for this guy to come around?
The bottom line is this, when men have way too much crap on their plates, they do tend to run away from their issues...especially when they are really immature, and don't have any sort of grounding or balance in their lives. Real men will deal with their issues head on, and work problems out with their GF, or spouse.
If I were you, here's what I would do. I would tell him that you are done waiting for him...don't give him any deadlines, promises..NOTHING! You need to tell him either be in a relationship with me, or I'm done. I know you wanna be kind to him and considerate of his "problems", but he's obviously confused and doesn't know what he wants from your post below. If you do talk to him, and he can't decide or make up his mind as to being with or without you... then you have your answer right there. There could also be a possibility that he's seeing someone else, just remember that.
DO NOT waste anymore of your time on this guy and move on to better things!!! I would not date anyone for a while, avoid contact with him, phone calls, IM's, e-mails, etc...just plain cut him off. Trust me it's the hardest thing you'll have to do, but once you do it..don't look back. I broke up with my ex of 4 years, and I felt I wasted a good 2 years, and that I should have broken up with him a long time ago. Either way, it takes a good few months to a year to fully get over your love. Always reminder yourself that you don't want to be with someone that's wishy washy and can't make up his mind, and remember how bad you felt when you were waiting around for him to do so.
Once you take that step, it will be the first day of the rest of your life! And know that everything will be ok!
laurencita2006...
Here's a male viewpoint from Pianoguy...
When we ask ANY WOMAN for "space"---GIVE IT TO US! If a month goes by and we haven't gotten out of our melancholy from job insecurity, a health related issue, or whatever else happens to be bothering us...then the woman (who has been our closest friend) has the right to step in...ASSUMING SHE STILL WANTS TO?
With all due respect to the previous poster (sweatpea)...men don't behave or think the way women want us to! For a man, "establishing space" doesn't mean we're not 'real men' who don't wish to confront and solve a problem! In most cases, we're trying to dissect and eliminate it by ourselves without involving others. While a woman might wish to get one of our issues out into the open (with the intention of trying to help us solve it), MOST MEN don't want to "air their dirty laundry" publicly.
Nothing personal...but as many times as a woman will promise a man: "I won't tell anybody about what you're currently going through"...it's inevitable that our CONFIDENTIAL TO YOU ONLY NEWS will be revealed in a conversation with a close friend or a family member? Depending upon how 'chatty' the friend or family member happens to be...your b/f's personal 'this is for your ears only' issue could be ALL OVER TOWN within a week? And if the story gets back to him...this will wreck your relationship faster than anything!
As far as the 2 of you NOT SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER...give yourself 2 weeks before you communicate with him. 14 days is certainly plenty of time for him to call you.
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
Hey pianoguy-
Thanks for the guy perspective. Can I ask you about a few things that I have been wondering about? I guess it bothers me a little bit that he tells me all this talk about "needing space alone" to figure out his life. Then he goes out drinking with his friends. I'm not sure how much life you can figure out in a bar. But I guess he is upset and there is something to be said for guy time. It does hurt my feelings that he can't come to me about his problems. I'm also worried that his friends have been telling him to talk to girls and girls have been coming up to him at bars, so I've heard from mutual friends,and he has even told me that himself. He told me he is not interested, and mutual friends have told me that too, but I've gotta worry a little bit about that.
Well, it has been 10 days since we saw each other, and 5 since we last spoke. I am doing the best I can. I will try the 14 days and see what happens, hopefully he'll realize how hard this is for me and I wouldn't do it unless I really cared for him...
Thanks for your reply, helps to get a guy's perspective...
laurencita2006...
Pianoguy knows that some 'guys' like to hang out with their pals! It's a "male comfort thing!" And the hangout places could include a bar, a sporting event, even the hardware store! .
What YOU need reassurance on is whether there are women present while your b/f is enjoying those few beers with his buddies?
If you're going to believe everything a g/f or someone who visits the same bar (your b/f does) tells you...YOU'RE GONNA IMAGINE THE WORST POSSIBLE STUFF!
Please re-read my original response again. What many women STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND about us is this. As much as we love you...we occasionally need 'male bonding time!' And you know something...MOST WOMEN need 'female bonding time' as well!
Pianoguy
Piano Guy,
I think your advice was good. Its always nice to get a mans view of things. You have helped me in the past with issues and Ive found that most of your advice has worked for me.
But one thing I do agree with Sweetpea is that you can only wait so long. Ive been with my guy since May 2005, in the past year and 3 months, he has on four occassions for his space. Ive been willing to give it, then after a day or two he calls and things go right back to the norm. This last time a just 10 days ago, when he did it again, he really hurt me this time. The other times it hurt, because I felt pushed away, this time it was the worst. Our relationship had reached a terrific point, things were great between us. Always seems to happen this way, so Im sure he has a problem with closeness.
Hes been away on vacation and has called, once again he didnt take the space and was looking for reassurance that I was still here. To me space is not calling day after day. We havent seen each other for 14 days now, but Ill see him tomorrow. Im still unsure of how I feel. You get real tired of the rubber band thing after awhile. This time he may have damaged our relationship and that saddens me. Ive reached the point where Ive had enough, and dont know if I can deal with it any longer.
We are both divorced ages, 40 & 45, and Im sure the past is an issue. Much different than young people dealing with this, but I too think that she just cant let him continue to push her away and then return. I dont want her to feel the pain that I have.
Hi jerseygirl2006...
First...Pianoguy is very happy that a few of his suggestions have helped you in the past. As most ivillagers know, PG's thoughts are strictly "one man's opinion" and shouldn't be considered 100% gospel! Every member has his (or her) own thoughts on practically every thread.
Having said this....I know there are men who need only 1 or 2 days of "alone time" to sort things out....and then, they'll want to get back together with the women 'who complete their lives!' There are others who require SEVERAL WEEKS to get their heads together...and this time frame is considerably more difficult (and frustrating) for a 'steady girlfriend' to accept? It can often be a clue towards "the beginnning of the end" of a relationship?
I have to be honest with you (and all my ivillage friends)...once a man has been 'burned' 2 or 3 times by a spouse and/or a girlfriend, the "I'M REALLY CAUTIOUS ABOUT HER SINCERITY" factor automatically kicks in!
You could be the most understanding woman on this planet and would never intentionally harm any man. BUT...unlike Cher's one-liner to Nicholas Cage in the film: "MOONSTRUCK"---it's not easy for all men to just "snap out of it!"
I completely understand the "rubber band frustration" you're experiencing. My only suggestion is that if you feel your partner ISN'T worth your time....don't give him any more of it!
This goes for men who are fixated (and frustrated) by women too.
Pianoguy
Piano Guy,
I guess my definition of space was not accurate (at least womans definition LOL)I honestly think I do, as you said, complete his life. He told me once that before we met, he was absolutely done with relationships and love. Marriage isnt even a option in his mind. Now he says those things have changed for him. Marriage is still pretty way down there on his list! LOL
I think that exactly what happens is he gets scared, or cant deal with his feelings. I accused him of that this time, in a moment of anger, and he didnt deny it nor confirm it. He called the night after this all happened and apologized for hurting me. Since then hes back to himself.
It gets difficult for me to deal with at times, but I truly beleive he wants me in his life, hes just not sure how to put me there!! LOL
Oh and by the way...........hes worth my time!
Hi jerseygirl
I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with the same problem I am. I actually met my bf for lunch yesterday. It was as if we had never taken time off to begin with-all we did was catch up about what we had been doing. I tried to ask him what's going to happen next but he just wanted to talk about it later. I am having a hard time right now. I care about him so much and am so happy with him, but I'm really afraid of getting hurt badly. I wonder if I just need to end this now and I can work on getting closure. As it is, is he just stringing me along? I am so confused. I am so anxious all the time, wondering what is going to happen and when it will finally be. He said he is in a very bad place in his life and is also alienating all of his friends. I just don't know what to do but am going to try to stay busy. I wish you the best of luck as well and know that I am thinking of you.