Ideal vs. Reality
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Ideal vs. Reality
| Mon, 08-21-2006 - 3:42am |
I've read in several places that a lot of women have an unrealistic idea of what a relationship should be like. I think I might be one of those women. My problem is that I'm having a hard time deciding when I'm being overly ideal vs. settling. It's one thing to say, "I accept that fairytales don't come true" but it's quite another to know where to draw the line. Aside from avoiding the obvious losers (liars, cheaters, abusers, etc.) there's a lot of guys that fall into the gray zone. In my current relationship, I vacillate between feeling deeply content (when things are going well) and wondering if I could find someone who's a better fit for me (when problems arise). Is there a feeling of "just knowing" if someone is right? How do you know when to invest more time to fix problems or leave to find someone else that might be better? And is there such a thing as "better"? Everyone is going to bring their own set of issues to the relationship table. A different guy might not give me the same problems my current boyfriend does, but it's likely there will be other problems that come up that I don't have with my current boyfriend. I don't want to abandon a relationship that seems to be pretty good, but I don't want to stay if I might find something better. How do you know? And is it even realistic to know?

I guess the thing you need to look at is when you do have problems, and they are major ones to you, is it something that you guys can resolve, or is it something that isn't? One of the things in a RL that really should tell you when to leave or not is when that the person is causing a lot of the problems in the RL, and they don't see what they are doing is wrong...and they refuse to work on it...don't want to compromise and get thru it as a couple.
I think when your ARE in RL, it's best when both of you are at the same point in each other's lives. When you have your careers going, your maturity levels are the same and you have the same goals when it comes to family and relationships. It's really impossible to try and hold on to something that's good when there are "good times" and the rest of it just sucks..and you become miserable. That's not worth your time.
Granted no RL is perfect, and it will have it's ups and downs. Being that you seem to be having second thoughts or problems, and your really not sure if you want to be in that RL should be a red flag to you. There must be something going on to trigger these feelings. I don't know how long u have been with your BF, but if there are thing you are starting to see on his end that he isn't willing to change or work on...I would get out now.
Here's an example to relate to. Think of it like being in a bad job, the only good thing you are getting out of it is you are getting paid...and that's it. Every "job" will be different in some form or another, you might get paid less but love the job, or you could be getting paid a lot of money and it sucks. You are the only person that can decide whether or not it's worth staying in that "job", then leaving it and being broke for a while until the next job comes along.
"In my current relationship, I vacillate between feeling deeply content (when things are going well) and wondering if I could find someone who's a better fit for me (when problems arise)."
This is completely normal. When times are good the lovey feelings are there, when times are bad...not so much. ~side thought~ ever notice how when times are bad, when problems arise, you never stop and think "hey, what is wrong with me, what am I doing to screw this up, and I wonder if he'll leave me for someone better because of what a crappy girlfriend I'm being"?? Never? Yeah me either. But it's normal to wonder. The character and integrity come in knowing that we're BOTH not perfect and have these not so much moments. The lasting relationship is knowing that it'll pass and getting through it is worth it.
"Is there a feeling of "just knowing" if someone is right?"
I don't think so. I don't think we should base a lifelong relationship on "feelings" which come and go. I think we know when someone is right when time and situations have prooved they are. When feelings change and they still are.
"How do you know when to invest more time to fix problems or leave to find someone else that might be better?"
So long as his isn't one or more of the Five Flamers: Abusive, Addicted, Adulterous, Narcissistic, or Psycho; it's worth it to work through "problems". Good descent guys are diamonds in the rough, a Five Flamer is a dime a dozen.
"And is there such a thing as "better"?"
Yes of course. There will always be somebody richer/thinner/prettier/nicer/etc. But it's not better all inclusive. Just as you say, it's a trade off. Another guy might be better in one area but worse in another. The way they are and the way they react and mesh with us matters.
I don't think it's helpful to think in terms of whether another relationship would be "better"...for me, it's more helpful to decide, can I live with, accept, be happy with THIS relationship, or not? If the answer is yes, then great. If not, then I need to move on.
A very helpful book for looking at this exact issue is "Loving Men More, Needing Men Less" by Judith Sills. The title is terrible ;-), but it deals with this issue very well IMO.
Sheri
Thanks for all your replies. I guess I feel that I can be overly analytical and this can cause me to question everything from multiple angles. It can get exhausting. :P I still don't know what to do about this relationship, but knowing that other people go through the same doubts is reassuring. I also like the job analogy. I guess it's a matter of how much I need the security of knowing I'm doing okay with what I've got versus quitting to potentially find something better but having to deal with the hassle of looking and applying and the accompanying risk that I may never be able to get that dream job.
I know my current BF isn't perfect (and neither am I). He seems willing to work on problems when he's in a good mood or in a good place. When he's stressed out, he can get rigid, defensive, and angry. But I can get that way too when I'm in a bad mood. I guess we really haven't been together long enough to test all the potential problems that may arise (8 months). I think it helps to know that realistically you can't "just know" and that that comes from experience and history with someone.
Also, I will check out that book.
I just wanted to add this...
I think dansfoxywife is right about this, "I don't think we should base a lifelong relationship on "feelings" which come and go."
BUT I'd like to make one sort of caveat. Feelings that come and go are one thing. A persistent nagging feeling of doubt is a completely different thing.
In retrospect, I can, relatively, easily see that in all three of my previous LTRs I had persistent nagging doubts through good times and bad and often when there weren't actual bad times occurring I would over-analyze and continue looking until I found something "bad" to justify my doubts. With my husband through good times and bad I felt consistently like things would work out even when I was looking my hardest to find trouble there was still a voice saying, "It'll work out." The exact opposite of the voice in my prveious LTRs. That voice was saying "I don't know about this." no matter how GOOD things were.
I don't know if everyone has this experience or not; but, based on my expereince I leanred to trust my gut and listen to those persistent little voices in the background and not worry so much about the cacophany my fears and passing feelings tried to create in the foreground to drown it out.
So, in short, I don't think you just know. I think you gain experience and learn about yourself and learn to trust your gut and to tell the difference between your gut and all that other stuff churning around in your head. Then, eventually, you meet a guy and it feels right and your gut tells you it's right and you use your brain, without analyzing it to pieces, and then you DECIDE it's right for you because you know you best.
I'm 21 and about 6 months ago broke up with the guy i'd been dating for 4 years. It was an incredibly hard decision for me to make, but now that i look back i know i made the right one. It wasn't that he was a bad guy...and I don't think it takes the "five flames" for someone to break up a relationship. Just because he's not abusive or cheating on you doesn't mean that you should stay with him. In that case, finding someone to marry and spend your life with would be SO much easier!! I just reached a point that I knew i could not marry and him and live the rest of my life truely happy.
Here's what is currently freaking me out... about a month after I left my ex, I met the guy I'm dating now. We didn't actually start dating for about a month, but i'm so head over heals for this new guy! It kind of freaks me out that I am SOOO comfortable with him and find myself thinking that I could spend the rest of my life with him. He's 25 and I'm graduating college this year, so it wouldn't be completely ridiculous time wise...but still. It hasn't been very long.
I guess I got a little off topic there...sorry. Anyway, I guess I kind of believe you know when something is worth staying in and working it out. You have to be true to your self and think about what you really want and what it takes to make you truely happy. And if that means leaving a good guy because you know he's ok for right now....but not for later down the road, then you have to do it.