Take things slow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Take things slow?
4
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 8:48am
I have an Ex that is still madly in love with me and I am not sure what to do about it.
He is not puching to get back together although that is something that he does want if it can happen.
I emailed him after over three months of separation to see how he was, I want to remain civil. We have emailed many times since then and that was early last week. Our relationship lasted two years and was very rocky throughout most of it. He says he is willing to do anything or whatever I want, to try and be friends through time r see if we can be togther again. He says he will fight and dye trying whatever it is I am willing to do. He says he can't sleep, eat or think clearly, that he has never been through anything of this magnitude and that I am still the most important entity in the world to him and he doesn't think that will change. He says he wiched things were better when we were together and that he did not handle things properly.
But I don't know exactly what I want from him and I have told him that. Basically I said we can continue chatting via email, but no phone or seeing each other in person for a long time. Part of me wants to take things Really slow, build some sort of foundation and see what happens. I told him that we could set a date to see each other- make dinner reservations and each of us show up if we are willing to see where this goes. We planned on six months from now. I told him that I would need see that his feelings for me are not because he is still morning the relationship, that he truly feels is still in love with me, that those feelings are concrete and are not going anywhere- hence the six month time period.
I am not letting me feelings get in the way here- well as much as possible. I am trying to be realistic. Theres still feelings there for me as well, but I need time to work things out for myself still and he does as well- I have told him that.
I am not sure if I am just venting or asking for advice...just needed to write it I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 8:24pm

tlynn2006...

Pianoguy suggests you ask yourself: "why did we break up in the first place?"

Once you arrive at an answer...take things s-l-o-w-l-y to see if any similar habits or problems reoccur as the 2 of you gradually renew your relationship?

I might be in the minority here, but if anybody constantly emailed me about a loss of sleep and used words like: "I'LL FIGHT & DIE FOR YOU" would probably scare me?

At least, a little bit?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 9:07pm

Wow yeah I'm in kind of the same boat as you are. I guess the thing I need to ask is who broke up with who and why did the RL fail in the first place. It sounds like you did, because you were hurt by something he did or didn't do. I just broke up with my ex of 4 years, and yeah I've been really miserable. I broke up with him early this year and then after 2 months we got back together, but things started acting up again... and we never really fixed the problems we had in the first place...more so him than anything else. I broke it off again a few weeks ago. But he's at a period in his life where he needs to find what he truely wants, and needs to take the time to do so. Frankly I got to the point where I was sick of him lying to me, hiding things from me, and then me eventually finding out about stuff he did that he shouldn't be doing in the first place. It's like he forgot that he had a girlfriend after a while. But the thing that really got me was he said that he didn't feel like he should have to work on us, and that he was so miserable and dispointed with where his life was going that he didn't know what else to do with himself other than to be where he is in his comfort zone. Anyways, I had enough of the crying, fighting and so on...and I decided that I'd rather be single and be depressed than have someone in my life that's way immature and wants to have his cake and eat it too. I just want someone that is marriage material...not high school BF material. I still love my ex and yea the feelings are still there, and I know to a certain extent he still love me too. And I know that I will need to distance myself from him in order to get over him. Now I know I'm not in love with him, but I don't know about him...I guess its the time of day you ask him. My ex said that he loved me and wanted to be with me, but he needs time to figure out what he wants and needs to get himself straight. He said all he wanted for me was to be happy, and he was like it seems like I can't provide that. I told him not to ever come back to me unless he was ready for marriage. Needless to say, I think for the most part that him and I are done for good...and I need to move on with my life.

I think with your case you need to look at what problems you guys had and didn't you try and work on them...or was one party not looking to fix the issues at hand? If he's wanting to try being with you, then he needs to step up to the plate. He should be begging to work at it with you, instead of just talking about it. It's not about him going with whatever you want...if he wants to be with you he will ask "what do I need to do..and what can we work on"? If a man truely loves you and wants to be with you and work at it...he should be on his hands and knees. If your gut is telling you that it's not going to work out, and you aren't sure...then don't do it! Don't go back into something just for the sake of having a BF. And don't go back to something knowing that you are just wasting your time, you have a lot of life to live. For myself, it sucks knowing that you can't call that person that you love the most, or tell them about your day, and ask them about theirs...it hurts bad. But at the same time I keep telling myself I did the right thing. I was going into the 4 years without any possibly or thought of getting married...commitment... and so on. Which is what I wanted and he was no where ready. The same crap on his end was happening, and there was really nothing I could say to change that.

Lastly another thing you need to think about is the rockiness in your RL that you had with him. What was causing it, and did things get resolved...or pushed aside. You can always send him and e-mail and say these are the problems I had with you, and this is what needs to happen....spill it all out to him in plain english. But sometimes not all of that info gets thru to his head, unless a thearpist is involed that can talk to him in a way that he can understand. If you think you can work it out, put everything and every problem you had on the table to him and ask him if thats something he can work on, or at least come to a compromise with you on. If not, then you have your answer...and you need to move on with your life. In that fact, I would stop talking to him all together...cut all ties with him and try to get him out of your system for good. Then maybe in a years time or so, you'll look at him differently. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, TRUST me...I know. But as time goes on..it gets easier and easier and you'll think of him less. Really the only thing that needs to happen is time, and the faults, and learning from them. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 11:02pm
Thank you both for you info- it was all valid and appreciated.
This is the deal, something happened last summer in which he hurt me. We also ended up getting back toegtehr and he seriously tried everything in his power to make things right for well over six months. In that time frame I ended up taking control over everything he did. I put myself in an emotional corner and lived my life in anxiety over everything. (what he did he did when we were not together but I couldn't handle it). So after a lot of time I needed to free myself from this emotional burden, and I did over six months ago. We had not talked in three or four months since I ended things for good. I didn't hate thim- I was hurt and definately didn't deal with things right- I made things WAY worse. So I recognized the need for space and did just that. Since then I have been able to breath and thrive by putting my life back together. At the same time he has done the same- hes gotten into the profession he always wanted to- gone back to school for his grad degree traveled etc. And i have changed a lot too. I have dated recently and continue to do so- just in the sense of meeting new people. I told him that if he loved me he would love me down the road- and if he wanted to see if I was ready at some point he could get in touch- but that I needed space and we both still needed time to heal and life our own lives...
so I think I have handled it well so far- I donlt want him out of my life- I would like something someday- a friendship maybe. Yes I still have feelings but I am not so neive that I would go running back in his arms because I know it would not work...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:50am

tylnn2006...

A suggestion from Pianoguy:

Why not consider the relationship with your EX/BF a chapter of your life that has been lived and is NOW OFFICIALLY OVER!

You seem to have a good grasp on what you want when it comes to whom you wish to date & how you want to live your life? So why not 'stick to the plan' for the duration of the year?

You can always change your mind about your future goals during 2007?

Good Luck!

Pianoguy