I LOVE him, but I cheat b/c he's unsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
I LOVE him, but I cheat b/c he's unsure
4
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:21am

Sigh. I've posted stuff on these boards before, and I am posting again, pretty much about the same issue, a tad different. Okay, so my boyfriend of one year and I started out great, and by the time we had been together for 6 months, we were already planning to get married within a year or two and everything was perfect. It was mostly because I told him that I wouldn't wait years to get married... it was either in less than two years, or I'd rather not waste my time. A little over a month ago he told me that he wasn't sure when he wanted to get married or with who... that we're only 22, we're still young, and that we should find ourselves, and have a career settled, and blah blah.... Well, this backtracking and sudden change of plans hurt me SO much that we almost broke up. We stuck together, however, but things don't feel the same. I mean, I still love him very much and our sex life is great, but I don't feel as keen about being faithful and committed to him anymore, so I'm starting to see other guys. I've gone as far as cheating on him. He knows I'm talking to these guys (though he doesn't know about the cheating part), and he gets very upset. I ignore it, however, and continue talking to my boys because I don't even know if he's the one I am going to marry... He's read some of the text messages that the guys send me (some of them pretty racy), and I feel like he's losing trust in me... but at the same time, I don't want to waste my time staying faithful to a guy I'm not even sure I'll end up with. However, I love him VERY much and I don't want to break up with him. What's wrong with wanting to have my cake and eat it too? He certainly does. I pretty much live with the guy (I spend most nights at his place and am always there for him for whatever he needs, like the perfect wife), but I don't get to call him my husband. For some reason, he doesn't want to make it official. That's because he's not sure. And if there's a possibility that he'll hurt me even more, I choose to shield my heart instead and have a little fun. As he said, we're still young.

Sometimes I wonder if we should stay together or break up. I stay with him because he's a wonderful boyfriend... he's always there for me when I need him, always looking out for me and vice versa. But we have a lot of arguments... even before I started cheating. We can both get grouchy, and I am very resentful about an abortion that I had and about the fact that after he promised me a lifetime together, he later tells me that he deceived himself. He says he doesn't want to start out poor and that's why he wants to have a career, but dude-- we're already poor, and we're together. If he were certain I am the one, he would've stuck to his plans and we would've toughed it out together. But he's NOT sure, and that is why he can't make our union official... therefore, though my heart belongs only to him, I'll have some bodily pleasures out there and see what the wonderful world of hunks has to offer me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 5:54pm
You are wrong on so many levels. You need to leave him. let him know you want to marry and if he is not with it then you walk on out. Plain and simple. If he feels your the one he will be back and marry you. But, holding on and then eventually when he finds out your cheating he will leave and be hurt. Leave now and work out details of being married later.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 6:19pm

I'm not really sure how to respond to your post. It is so messed up in so many ways I think I'll just start from the beginning, the title. If you loved him you wouldn't have cheated, and you can NOT place the blame of your wrongdoing on him being unsure. It's wrong and childish to say 'you did this so I did that'. Then there's the end. If your heart really "belongs to him" then you can't be giving your body out as a free ride to any guy that stands in line and meets the minimum requirements. Your heart and body are connected. If he truly had your heart your body would be reserved for him because you couldn't go against your heart like that. It would be worth the fidelity and wouldn't be seen as a sacrifice.

He's right, you are too young and far too immature to fully enter into a committed faithful marriage. You don't have the mindset required to make it work and to even bother. I think it would be a good idea to break up. Not just because you're not really ready, but because his doubt ultamitely means no, and you should have a guy who eagerly anticipates marrying you, not one who pussyfoots around and makes empty promises about it.




Edited 8/24/2006 6:20 pm ET by dansfoxywife

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 11:37am
That's the thing, though... I stay because perhaps he is right and we are not ready... so we can mature together and get married when we ARE ready. If we broke up, it would be the same thing-- I would be unmarried and still have a lot of maturing to do. So why not stay with such a great guy while I do these things? I know I should't cheat on him when I love him so much, but I am EXTREMELY distrusting, and would hate to be the one being cheated on... so if I cheat, I guess it'll be mutual. Wow. I just realized how many fallacies are in my arguments, but it's because right now I am a big MESS. I saw my dreams shattered in one night (July 14th, 2006..). I really thought that we would marry, have a family... since we talked so much about it. But I guess that since he's been living on his own for a few months now, he's realized how much harder it is.... but I really don't think we should have to wait until he has a career (god knows when THAT'LL be), and I have a feeling he just uses that as an excuse... the hope of marrying me SOMEDAY to string me along without any SOLID commitment. I've seen my mom go from long-term relationship to the next... she waits and waits... and ends up wronged. That is why I am so protective of my heart... this is wrong, but if I guy can't prove his undying love for me, my heart begins to wander. This is so wrong. I go from one extreme to the next... I don't even know what is right anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:26pm

"I don't even know what is right anymore"

Oh now of course you do. The problem is you know this boy (and timing and situation) is wrong for you, but you *want* him to be right for you.

"this is wrong, but if I guy can't prove his undying love for me, my heart begins to wander"

Have you every asked yourself HOW a guy can prove his undying love for you? Because I don't think you even know what that looks like. You don't have any real life examples to emulate, like from your parents right? What does undying love look like for you? You can't expect to get something that you don't give.

"perhaps he is right and we are not ready... so we can mature together and get married when we ARE ready. If we broke up, it would be the same thing-- I would be unmarried and still have a lot of maturing to do. So why not stay with such a great guy while I do these things?"

Because right now, YOU are not the type of girl any self respecting mentally healthy guy would want to marry. If he knew you gave your body out to other guys do you think he'd still want to be with you and prove undying love? I am just baffled that you would actually ask why not stay with a great guy while you treat him as insignificant and betray him. Why not stay with a guy and use him is essencially your stand. Why? Because good descent people don't use and hurt people they supposedly love like that!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket