who is she to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2006
who is she to you?
2
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:02am
Okay my male friend introduced me to his friend back in June. We started taking interest into each other and have been bonding pretty good ever since. he recently got out of a relationship a few months back and was with this female for about a year and some change. He told me that she tried to control him so he had to let her go. To make a long story short we really do like each other but i also know that his ex still has those feelings for him. I asked him if he was still in love with her and he says he has love for her but he is not in love with her and there is a difference. I believe him when he tells me this. I'm sure you all have heard of myspace...well he asked me to set up his page to make it look nice so i got access to his username and password...while im setting up his page his ex girl sends him a note...I'm not going to lie i am nosey! so i read it and she says "hey i just want to tell you that i will always love you even if we are together or apart" I'm like o geesh what am i going to do? *sigh* I think the reason i am buggin is because i don't know if he would turn around and go back to her even though we have jus started liking each other and really establishing a real friendship so far. And i'm not going to lie i can be a jealous person and get intimadated by a female that i know is around. So far i am handling the situation just fine because i'm not the type to repeatdely ask him about his ex and their relationship i feel he can take it upon himself to tell me....But yup i am just really unsure about what to do about her...Or maybe there is really nothing i can do ya know? I mean she was here before me....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:46am

First off you need to stop gettin into his myspace account. That will only cause you more heartache and pain. The fact that you aren't his GF doesn't give you the right to do that. Now personally I can understand you want to know what's going on, and you feel like you need to know.

I think the best thing to do in this case is to see if he wants to be BF/GF, and if he doesn't then you need to cut ties with him, myspace and all. I did that crap with my ex after I had my doubts about him, needless to say I found out he was doing stuff he shouldn't have been..but it didn't get to the point of cheating. Bottom line in hurt me more getting into that stuff, but I also found out about the stuff he was hiding from me and couldn't trust him. Either way he's an ex now, and in knowing that I have his passwords...I know that if I venture into his myspace and his e-mail...that will only cause me to loose it more. I came to the decision to let it go, and not worry about what he's doing or not doing and that I need to move on with my life.

When he's truely ready to be with you, he will be with you. You can't change his feelings for her, and you can't be with him if he's still holding on to her. If he's gonna talk to her then he's gonna talk to her...there's nothing you can do about that. You can say to him if he's interested in you, look I like you a lot and I wanna be with you, but you need to get over your ex first before you can be with me. That way he can be at a point to leave her in the past and is able to move on with you...with no problems or hangups.

It's not fair to start another RL with someone knowing that you or the other person still has feelings for the ex. I know for me, I need to take some time getting over my ex...it may take a few months to a year but when the timing is right..I will meet someone again.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:31pm
thanks for the input miss. And yea about the myspace thing he wanted me to do his page so he gave me access to his account..and thats when the girl sent him a note thinking he was online and i was him, I read it because i'm nosey. Yea i'm a jealous person but when i read it it didn't "hurt" my feelings because i know i have no control over what they do i just don't want to get played to the side when he all of a sudden desides he wants to be with her again. NOW another thing earlier like the first month i meet him he told me he broke up with her because she tried to control him and he was like everyone was suprise of their break up and i said ya'll would get back together and he says no we not, when i'm done i'm done...still dont know what to believe though. If anything i know it is hard to get over a ex because around the time i meet him i was still grieving over mine, and he came along and hes helping speed up the process. As for him and her i dont know i believe she is the one that has those strong emotions...But what telephone conversations they hold and what is being said i dont know. Shes the one thats quick to say i love you always and forever but what is his reply to that?? "i love you too" i mean thats my concern right there. I just dont want my time wasted....*sigh* as far as a relationship goes... I will just go with the flow of things right now i'm not too pressed to ask him if he wants a relationship with me or not this is just the beginning and i don't even want to rush into that right now maybe later down the line as we are still getting to know each other and get comfortable with each other.