Why is he still in my head?
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Why is he still in my head?
| Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:54pm |
I don't know what to think of myself or this situation. A couple months ago, I met this guy online, we talked via email for a few weeks and then met in person and really seemed to click. We saw each other several more times in a short period of time and I really thought things were going great. I had ended a long relationship about 8 months earlier and this was the first person I had gone on more than one date with, or kissed, since my ex and I felt that finally I had found someone new who would be good for me. In many ways it really seemed like it was a mutual feeling that there was something to this--he met my friends, he went to church with me, he talked about his family like I was going to meet them someday, etc. But he wasn't as far removed from his last relationship as I was, it had only been a couple months, and after the last time we saw each other he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to keep seeing me. Basically, I think there were some things about me that were similar to his ex, which is probably both what attracted him to me and also scared him off. I offered to be patient if he wasn't ready for a relationship yet, but he never responded. So we haven't talked or seen each other in a little over two months now. I haven't tried to contact him at all, I haven't run into him out in public, I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do to just forget it and look elsewhere, but he's still on my mind a lot. was I just a rebound girl? (and if so, who goes to church with their rebound girl?) Is it just hard to move past this because he was the first person I was with since my ex? All of my logic tells me that I am an idiot for still thinking about him or still caring and I need to just let it go. And you're probably reading this thinking I'm an idiot for still being hung up on him. They say "change your behavior and your feelings will follow," and I have changed my behavior, but my feelings are awfully sluggish about following. Thoughts??

Yeah I hear ya, and it's hard not to think of this guy. I think maybe it could have been bad timing. You know all to well that when you get out of a RL, especially a LTR, you need time to get over that ex. If you don't take enough time to do so, then you run the risk of not having a good RL with the next person you meet...and if it's too soon. It's like you have to clear your system in order for the next person to come in to your life.
Sometimes, we are only supposed to meet people for a short time, and that's it. It's just the way life is when you are trying to find your future spouse. People come and they go. Obviously this guy has touched you in a good way. In a way you were a rebound, but in a way you werent, maybe at the time all he needed was a new female to talk to..that's all.
Really the only thing you can do at this point, is reach out to him. Give him a phone call, txt or email to say hello and "see how he was doing and what he was up to". Don't offer to go out, dont ask if he got back with his ex, or if he wants to go out with you...just a friendly talk is all you need to do. Give him the opp. if he wants to respond back, just leave the door open to him if he wants to come in. And if he doesn't respond back in a way that you had hoped, well then you have your answer.
Rebounds are called rebounds because they don't make sense. People do things in rebound relationships that they later think, "oh, what a stupid thing that was to do". He wasn't thinking clearly in other words...so he went to church with you without thinking of what it might mean to you.
And yes, you're finding it hard to move on because he was the first guy after a long relationship, so he was YOUR rebound. Those are always hard to get over.
I disagree that contacting him is a good idea. As someone who used to post on these boards used to say, "why give the guy another chance to reject you"? He knows how to reach you if he's interested in seeing you again.
And for future reference, it's a red flag when a guy does all that future talk early on. Be VERY skeptical if you hear it from any other guys you date!
And I thought the phrase was change your THOUGHTS and your feelings will follow. If you keep telling yourself that he obviously wasn't right for you (i.e., changing your thoughts), I think your feelings will indeed follow.
Sheri
Thanks to both of you for your thoughts. I tend to agree with you Sheri, I'm not sure I should be the one to contact him. He does know how to find me if he wants to, and given the way it ended, I kind of feel that he needs to be the one to reinitiate, and if he never does, then I need to just accept that he was only supposed to be in my life for a short time, and just wait for the right person to come along. You make an excellent point about "why give him a chance to reject you again." I need to keep reminding myself of things like that :)
I'm going on vacation for ~2 weeks soon, so there wouldn't be much point in trying to call him before I get back anyway, so I guess I will just keep doing what I'm doing for now and work on that "changing my thoughts" thing and see how I feel after a little more time has passed. I have been trying to do that, and for a while there it was working, I just backslid a little recently and undid some of my progress and needed a little perspective.
Thanks again!