OK ... friends.. I need your advice ...
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OK ... friends.. I need your advice ...
| Fri, 07-25-2003 - 6:18pm |
I posted a week ago about my weekend away with the SM - who I should clarify isn't *really* single.. as he is living with a woman and has been for the last year and a half..Initially theirs was a roomate situation- that progressed to a relationship - then back to a friendship/roomate kinda thing. BUT he still isn't honest with her about me.
OK.. Sorry.. I will try to keep this short and sweet but I am sure I will leave out important info *lol*
OK. Last weekend we spent the entire weekend together... it was glorious the first night and comfortable the second day and then there were some wierd dynamics at work - and we only briefly discussed our lives in the context of a relationship when I was driving to drop him off at his car. Here is the MAIN issue.. he apparently never got my email I sent to him months ago about my H moving back in with me and that I wanted to give my marriage a year to work out or end. So... he is under the illusion that I am still M but not aware of the fact that my H lives with me and that we are buying a house ( H's idea not mine.)
I was really OK with letting go of the SM - even though I could never get my mind off of him and I fantasized about him and missed him terribly - because I had not seen him in person for almost a year, and had not had any sex with him for nearly a year and a half. But, you know... I missed him. I would be driving and feeling A-ok and then *BAM* I'd think of him or see something that reminded me of him and I would start crying. I really went last weekend to see if the feelings I had were "real" and if there was really this very strong attraction and connection between us - or if I had created it out of my imagination. I found out it is very real - and he also agreed that I did not imagine any of the feelings or connections between us.
I am planning to visit again in August and I am sooo looking forward to it.... but my dilemma is how to/should I bring up the H issue. I don't want to push him away, but I want to be honest. And in my own mind.. it isn't much different that the Sm living with the sometimes/kinda/sorta girlfriend, other than I know of her.
I know this is confusing and I am trying to give all the details.. but I am sure I will bore you to tears if I did that... any suggestions on how to handle this situation?
BTW... I am 44, my H is 45 and the SM is 34. I have known the SM for 2 years.... of which 2 months was a hot and heavy torrid romance that I backed out of .. when I started stressing tremendously when I realized I was in L with the SM and not with my H - but I wasn't ready to hurt the H with a D at that point...
OK.. Sorry.. I will try to keep this short and sweet but I am sure I will leave out important info *lol*
OK. Last weekend we spent the entire weekend together... it was glorious the first night and comfortable the second day and then there were some wierd dynamics at work - and we only briefly discussed our lives in the context of a relationship when I was driving to drop him off at his car. Here is the MAIN issue.. he apparently never got my email I sent to him months ago about my H moving back in with me and that I wanted to give my marriage a year to work out or end. So... he is under the illusion that I am still M but not aware of the fact that my H lives with me and that we are buying a house ( H's idea not mine.)
I was really OK with letting go of the SM - even though I could never get my mind off of him and I fantasized about him and missed him terribly - because I had not seen him in person for almost a year, and had not had any sex with him for nearly a year and a half. But, you know... I missed him. I would be driving and feeling A-ok and then *BAM* I'd think of him or see something that reminded me of him and I would start crying. I really went last weekend to see if the feelings I had were "real" and if there was really this very strong attraction and connection between us - or if I had created it out of my imagination. I found out it is very real - and he also agreed that I did not imagine any of the feelings or connections between us.
I am planning to visit again in August and I am sooo looking forward to it.... but my dilemma is how to/should I bring up the H issue. I don't want to push him away, but I want to be honest. And in my own mind.. it isn't much different that the Sm living with the sometimes/kinda/sorta girlfriend, other than I know of her.
I know this is confusing and I am trying to give all the details.. but I am sure I will bore you to tears if I did that... any suggestions on how to handle this situation?
BTW... I am 44, my H is 45 and the SM is 34. I have known the SM for 2 years.... of which 2 months was a hot and heavy torrid romance that I backed out of .. when I started stressing tremendously when I realized I was in L with the SM and not with my H - but I wasn't ready to hurt the H with a D at that point...
Please help me sort this out!
Chloe

What are your expectations of your relationship with OM? Do you want to see him while you are working on your marriage - and then if your marriage doesn't work out what will you expect in your relationship with OM? And, what are OM's expectations?
You may not have had the ideal opportune moment to talk with OM, but you are right - you need to be upfront with him about still being with H, and without making any promises (of a future open relationship if that is what he wants) as you really don't know how your marriage will go.
Maybe you can open the discussion with how you, and he, sees the relationship. Keep in mind that he may not be happy that you didn't make it clear before last weekend that you are still with H - put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself how you would feel.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
Meow
I am a little bit confused by something. Are you still interested in working on your M, or are you moving towards a D? If you're still trying to make your M work, can you honestly focus on that in good conscience, and really give it all you've got, if OM is still in the wings for the occasional weekend away?
If you're going to continue seeing OM, you need to inform him of your current living situation AND your plans (staying w/H or leaving). He saw you again under a misperception of you being *almost* free, and therefore he may have a completely different idea than you of where this R is heading. You need to set things straight now so that if you do continue to see each other, you are both clear on the expectations and limitations of your EMA.
But in the meantime, where does this leave your M? Where do you envision yourself living six months from now? You don't have to answer me, obviously! But I think to be able to move forward clearly, you need to know for yourself what those answers are.
Good luck!
lily
Well... like I said in my post.. it is tough to get this board up to speed about the last 2 + years of my life :)
But I will try to clarify...
Do I want to work things out with the H? In the most perfect world, I would say yes. I want to stay M and live happily ever after. But the truth of the matter is that there have been sooo many hurts from "required abortions" to not enough time, to being ignored.. etc... that I think as much as I "love" my H - it is like a comfortable kind of love where I know the "rules" and how to "play the game" - I don't truly think this is where I am supposed to be.
I actually told the OM, that I was going to try and work things out after some no response emails and attempts to reconnect with our relationship. At that point, I thought that I was misreading signals from the OM and that perhaps it was just a 'fling' and not an emotional relationship. I DID try for several months to make things work with my H - and I know some things take time.. but truly I am unhappy - even though H is happy - he is oblivious to how I feel.
Am I moving towards a D with H? I was almost there last year. We had been living seperately for 3 years. I was happy! I lost weight - without trying, I sang songs when I drove my car, I feel positive and ALIVE. But when I broke the news to the H that I thought it best for us to D, he begged and pleaded and cried and basically made me feel so guilty and ugly for wanting out of the M. He actually moved across country - 3600 miles to find a job here and live with me again. I was upfront and honest with him that I made NO promises or guarantees. And he said he understood - but..he didn't. My biggest guilt is the fact that he moved away from his son ( who lives with his EX) and I know he misses the state he lived in - I know that because he is the angriest man I know most days. He just says how much he hates it here. I have NO intention of ever moving back across the country to the other coast.
I know I have to be honest with the OM. And I am planning on it. I sound so childish to say that if the OM said those magic words and told me that he wanted a life with me ( which he did say to me once a long time ago.. ) then I would do what needs to be done to be with him... but if it is just "for now" I dont' want to hurt my H .. I would rather live my life - unhappy as it is - like it is for now.
I hope I have explained myself clearly...some days I am just not clear at all..
Chloe
Does it make me a bad person to say ... that I want a sure thing?? :)
I know most of us do.
I replied in depth to lily's post on what I see for my life.
I *DO* know this... that I would walk away from it all... if the OM asked me to...but I know his moral fiber -so to speak- I know he would never be the one to make that decision for me. And I agree with him. So for now... I am just treading water I guess.
Chloe
Sorry to interrupt, but I think you must accept the fact that only you can decide if you want to stay in your M. Not your H. Not your OM. Only you. As you already know, it will be ugly, and your H will be hurt. But is he really happy how things are? With you just putting on a happy face?
And if you are truly unhappy, then will sticking it out a few more months, or many more years get you the happiness you want? I'm sorry but when you say 'required abortions' I can't help but scream...is this a marriage or a mandate from hell?
Ever watch Kramer vs. Kramer? You don't actually see Streep's character break down, but she does walk out. And I think she said something along the lines that her only options were either walking out or going out the window. Hoffman's character wasn't cruel but he ignored her, lived around her, and did not hear her when she tried to voice her discontent. Misery didn't drive her over the edge, but it made her realize that she was above it and didn't have to live that way anymore...
Don't expect OM or anyone else to provide the strength you need, sweetie. But don't be unhappy forever. I wish you luck with your future and hope you figure out where you fit best.
Hugs,
Alameda