I need to sort this out - long story

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
I need to sort this out - long story
4
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 6:43pm
Long story but I need to get all of this off my chest. I need to make sense of this. I have been married 6 years to H. Have two beautiful children. My marriage lacks certain qualities, and so far I have learned to live with it as is.

I recently had weight loss surgery and have lost over 100lbs. There is a guy who had the same surgery and we decided to go for coffee just to check-in and chat. Sparks flew immediatly, we flirted shamelessly and it was great. We both had smiles until our parting. We spent only an hour together, and that was enough to hook me.

The next day we IM'd each other straight for 7 hours neither of us getting much work done. Flirting, but more than that really trying to decide what to do or not to do. We agreed to meet that night.

We hung out in a public place, a park, took a long walk talked a lot. And then we started kissing, I truly hoped it would be awful. But it wasn't it was perfect. My body responded to him like butter on a hot pan. We took it a step further and began touching each other. We did not want to stop, and he asked if we could continue I told him not at that point.

We parted and this morning we spoke and he has so many worries about this being wrong, that someone will get hurt in the end, that he will not be able to meet his goals if he continues, which are to get married and have kids of his own.

For the first time in my life I played no games, did not hold back. And, told him I wanted him. That yes this is wrong but I can't just give him up. I want to continue.. He is trying to do the right thing. I told him that I would never bring up this subject if he told me the feelings were one sided. He said they were not one sided. I asked him if he thought he was in love (yes I know it sounds crazy after 2 days) and he said he could fall in love and that is why he could not go ahead. I told him that I had thought a lot about this and I could not find an ounce anywhere in my being that this felt wrong. He asked if he could call me on Sunday when he returns from his family. I said yes.

What do I do now.....I want him so much every part of me wants him. My life was so ordinary and now all of this is happening. Tonight I am suppost to go on date night with my H and all I can think of is how can I steal time with the OM.

Both of us don't want to hurt anyone or ourselves. I want him. God what do I do. How do I stop thinking of him?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 7:19pm
Hi LB and welcome to the board,

If I were you, I'd slow down! You need to get some perspective on your conflicting feelings, your M, OM, and the new you. Losing all of that weight has probably altered more than your body mass, you know? People will undoubtedly react to you differently, and most of all, you probably see yourself in a new way and feel like a new woman...

Would you consider counseling to help you sort out these new emotions? It might help just to sort out the confusion...

You say that your life was just ordinary before OM came into the picture, and it sounds like your M is relatively normal but that you have learned to live without certain things. Well, what gives? Are you happy in your M? Would it help to spice things up at home, channel some of that new sexy energy towards your H?

You will figure out quickly if you stay around the board that EMAs have very good highs and terrible lows. So if you decide to continue with OM, know that it won't be easy. Keep your head on, sweetie, and know that the two days have been sublime but that it is only the beginning...

Hugs to you,

Alameda


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 7:41am
Alameda is one smart cookie. Pay attention to her.

OM has told you clearly that he has other goals which, if you plan to stay M, you can not be part of. Realistically, you can not (or rather, maybe should not) leave your M based on two blissful days with OM. What you do about your M depends on what you want from it.

A lesson I am learning now is that my H reacts to me based on patterns we have established. We are both guilty of acting and reacting in ways that have become familiar to us. So I am trying to break some of my patterns, in order to elicit a different response from him. Some attempts are definitely more successful than others, but what I see is, if I behave like the "old me" than H responds to the "old me" and not to the "new me" I think I have become.

You have become a "new me" in many ways since your surgery. Alameda is right that you have a LOT of "new me" to get to know, to appreciate, and to figure out how you want to go forward. But you can not assume that your H understands all that, or sees it all as clear as day because beyond your weight, these changes are happening in your head. So if you want to be treated like a sex goddess, start acting like one. That's just an example, but that's what *I'd* be doing if I lost a bunch of weight! If your M is sound and now that you feel good about yourself you want H to appreciate that too, you have to show him that new side of you, introduce him to the new you and your new expectations, and you have to BE that woman.

If you don't want to stay in your M, that's a different story. But leave because you can't or don't want to change what's there, not because you think OM is a great kisser. Because after two dates... do you REALLY know how he handles stress, if he snores or hogs the blankets, and do you really want to hear him pee through the bathroom door? LOL... but you get the point!

take care,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 1:23pm
LB,

You are getting excellent advice from some of the best on

the board. What is your hurry? Turn down the heat and let

things simmer a bit while you sort it all out.

I have done what you did with the weight loss. It is

exhilirating to see interest and desire once again in

the eyes of others. We all need it.

Go find the title "Survival of the Prettiest" at B&N.

It is an interesting summer read on the "science" of beauty.

What it is, how it affects us, etc. It could help you

understand some of what you might be feeling right now.

It might be a nice distraction too.

Be aware, your mate might find the new, slimmer, sex-goddess

hottie image very unsettling. Especially if they have made no

similar changes in their lives. People like patterns,

he has learned through the years certain patterns for dealing

with you. Now you are changing and his old patterns may

no longer work. He may feel the distance, like he doesn't

know the real you anymore. And he doesn't.

You would hope your partner would encourage the transformation,

that they would be happy with the new, more attractive you.

After all, they will be the one going home with you, won't they?

They may see it as more of a threat though. That it is preparation

for changing them out of your life too.

Frankly, from your post, I think he has something to worry

about there too. Having an attractive woman bluntly tell you that

they want you is more of a turn on than most males can stand. I

have no doubt you will get him if that is what you want.

I would suggest you consider that 2 days is no time at all to

know another person. It takes time. Draw the passion out, savor it.

It will still be there, probably stronger than ever if you do. You

will drive him wild, and you will like it a lot better too.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 2:03pm
Hi LB,

I couldn't add to the insightfulness of of alameda, lily and desert - I agree in that you need to slow down with OM so you can sort through it all.

But I wanted to let you know that even if what you shared is not the same situation with anyone else, you are not alone in confusion. We're all confused at different points in our life, whether it's something we find we've gradually settled into, or something that has happened suddenly, and it's a good time to go inward and reflect and find a balance.

Reading, posting and responding on this board has helped me - just in writing things out helps! I hope it's helped you a bit to "get it out", it's a start anyway! Good luck to you, and keep us posted!

Meow