dating my M professor- the whole story

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
dating my M professor- the whole story
7
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 10:16pm
Hi everybody!!

I am a single woman who has been dating a MM for a year and a half. I met him 4 years ago in college, where he was my professor (from another continent). then after graduating I began to work with him. I always liked him but since he was married and 30 years my senior I never thought we could be together. Notwithstanding the differences I began to have deep feelings for him, but I remained silent and didn't make a move because working with him was so amazing that I did not wanted to endager the work).

During first 10 months we worked marvellously, we were an excellent team, we understood us completely because we were so very similar (despite the large age difference 30 years). we fell in love without confessing it.

Some time later, we went to a international congress, out of town for one week. There we confessed our mutual feelings and slept together. those were the best days of our lives!!!!! just like a Hollywood movie!!!

since then we have been together.

His wife lives in another town and he is available the whole week. he says that his marriage is a routine and that the emotion is gone (from both sides).

despite it his "freedom" in this town, we can not been seen together because his son is also living here and we have kept everything in secret. So we have been very descrete, thank God no one has find it out.

But now we came to a point were we need to change things. for instance I am not happy with the triangle (I never liked it). he has not found a way out of his marriage -so he says-.

We have two obvious options:

1) quit everything: nobody get's hurt -wife, son, my family-, but emotionally would be extremely hurtful and disappointing.

2) to give this a chance: face every one and everything, includding the fact that we live in a small town were relationships of this king --with this large age difference-- is not well seen.

since these are the options and we are desperated to find a solution

we would be pleased if anyone would help us!!

has anybody be under a similar situation??

what can we do??


Thanx a lot!!!

Hannah







iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 7:22am
Hi Hannah...

I'm not clear on something by your post. You said that MM has not yet found a way to get out of his M. Why is that? And if that's the case, when you present option two -- facing everyone head on w/your R -- are you talking about just letting everyone know you're in an EMA, or do you mean letting everyone know you are in a EMA with movement towards a D for MM? Because those are two different things.

Also, not to sound crass, but how old are you? If we were to say that all worked out as you dreamed and MM got a D, then you and he got M, do you want children? How do you feel about that, and how does HE feel about that, given your age differences? That may sound like looking way too far down the road, but it's not. If you are looking to pursue a permanent R with MM, you have to know now if your visions of the future go beyond mutual intellectual interests and good sex.

Finally, if it's been a year and a half...how lost is he or has he been that he can't "find his way out" of his M? His son is grown, his W lives in another town... what precisely is he waiting for or looking for before making the break? I'd look long and hard at that question, especially because it indicates to me (from the brief paragraph you wrote!) that he does NOT see the future the same way you do, regardless of what he's telling you... or is he telling you but you're not "hearing" him...?

Good luck, Hannah, and keep us posted.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 5:49pm
Hi Hannah,

You ask if I have ever been in a similar situation. No,

but it is one of my top fantasies. Seriously though, Lilly

is right about the age thing, but I doubt you want to listen.

You are a year and a half into this now.

I get the impression that you are perhaps European. I don't

know how their marriage (or really divorce) laws work.

Your situation sounds perfect to me. He has the freedom you

need to be together, and being single, so do you. There are

many here that would kill to have essentially 24/7 access to

their MM's. What is the big motivator to take on all the trouble

you appear eager to tackle? You may loose more than you gain.

The third obvious solution for you that you didn't mention

is to do nothing. You may grow out of this in a few years,

and you may neatly sidestep a lot of legal and property issues.

Doing nothing about a situation is always one valid way of

dealing with it. It is all a question of what you want and

how badly you want it. Perhaps a simple, straightforward

declaration of exactly what it is you want would help us all.

Small towns can be hard to live in. EVERYONE knows everyone

else's business. You must be very discrete to have kept your

secret this long. Your solution may come with some special

burdens of it's own, like having to leave the town.

Is it possible to rent/buy a small love shack in a nearby

large city? Just a thought. I would worry about W or Son

dropping by unexpectedly if it were me.




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 2:58pm
Hi Lily, first of all I wanna thank you for your quick response.

About the children thing, this is one of the tough themes. We have discussed it several times, for instance right now I do not want to have children -I am 26 and he 55- because I do not feel prepared for it; unfortunately the longer it takes the harder the consequences for him to be a good father (he with 65 years and the kid with 10, for example). And from his side, he has already a son, he knows how things are and he says he would like to have a son with me; but I can see that he doesn’t want it madly. So, there are no nice perspectives.

When this began (the first six months), we thought that it would be a few months issue, because I was expecting the results of a grant for a postgraduate programme outside the country. For some reasons -economic crisis, war, or I do not know- there was a reduction of the grants and there was none for me. Meanwhile our feelings have been deepening and we found ourselves in this strong relationship. Somehow I felt that I was doing something wrong and I wanted to end it. But the sentiment was so strong that it was impossible. We have been trying to find out if this thing is strong enough to survive. And for the last six months I have been telling him the need to finish the triangle, he replies that he is looking for a way out, which does not reveal our A. also, he claims that he has been trying to began a discussion or something that leads to this subject, but she doesn’t get the hint…

About the future, well I simply do not know!!!! I don’t know if I should walk away and keep it as a great memory or if I should remain with him at the high price that it is. The price is high for both, for him is the divorce, the rejection of his son -and the ex-wife of course- the need to leave the job and town (for the gossip) with the need to begin again. in my case, the price is lower, since I do not have a marriage, I just think that my relatives would not be very pleased of me “running away” with a divorced man twice my age…

The chances of “living happily ever afte”r are very few, but exist. But what if it does not work??

I care for him a lot, and I have no right to destroy his life…

I am very, very confused…

Do you think that we should see a psychologist??

Thanx a lot again!!!

Hannah

PS since we kept it secret, I haven’t talk about this with ANYONE ELSE, so talking to you is simply relieving, thank you Lily!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 3:24pm
Hi girl!

Thanx for your nice words! Yes, despite the troubles that it cause, it is simply great to fulfill one of my dearest fantasies!!

About the big motivator to take on all the trouble, it is an incredible connection with him: intellectual, sexual, he even understands my jokes!!! But yes, we have a lot to lose!! The main source: our age difference: he 55 and me 26.

And about doing nothing, I did not mention it as an option, because primarily that is what we have been doing for the past months, and I reach a point where I cannot longer have enough with it…

What do I want? Be with him, he is the most complementary man to me that I have ever met. And how badly? A lot, but he has also a lot to lose and that restrains me (leave his family, his great job and the town).

what do you think about this?? do you think I am insane????

thanx a lot!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 3:57pm
Hanna,

As they say in the language of the disabled, I am

vaginally challenged ;) I hope that doesn't prejudice

all I have said. I just don't want to sail under

false colors. It is a women's board, but I would

rather hang with the gals any day. And yes, I am

totally secure in my gender.

If I understand your reply, your unhappiness arises

from your desire to spend more time with your MM. You

feel you cannot have this and keep your A a secret.

Talk it over with him. See if he has any ideas that will

help meet your needs for closeness. Can you take trips

perhaps? Could you officially rent a room in his house?

Is there some way you could arrange to be together

more at work?

As for your sanity, I like the statement that one good

functional definition of insanity is continuing to do

the same things and expecting the results you get to

change. This doesn't sound like you to me.

You are welcome a lot...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 10:57am
Hi Desertintherain

Sorry for the misunderstanding

And thank you again for your nice opinion.

It is quite helpful to have a male opinion, to see both sides of the story, since we have been keeping this in secret, well it is difficult to know someone else opinion

Thanx a lot

Hannah

Ps I am just a little bit curious, please tell me what makes you think I am European??

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 1:50pm
Hanna,

I am only intuiting the European thing. Maybe the name,

the reference to village, the sentence phrasing. I may

be wrong. Men's intuition is like an old, broken rabit

ears antenna with tinfoil on it, women's is like a

deep sky radio telescope array. We try to cope anyway.