Used and Cherished at the same time
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| Sat, 07-26-2003 - 9:11am |
Anyway, on to the confusion... We left work early and came back to my house (my H is out of town until Monday). However, he couldn't leave as early as I did and then got hung-up on his way out the door. (Completely believable b/c I've seen it happen time and time again.) We basically were left with just one hour together so things progressed quickly. While making L, he looks so deeply into my eyes, moves the hair out of my face, and caresses me so gently. It's truly like I am being cherished and that every inch of my body is precious to him. Being with him gives me an emotional high like nothing else. It's just so "wow"!
Then comes the after-shocks. That's when I realized that he didn't even remove his pants, just pulled them down a little. My shirt and bra were pushed up, but not removed. His shirt was unbuttoned, but still on. As I thought about this after he left, I felt really cheap, like I wasn't worth the effort of completely removing the darn pants! And I wondered why he didn't tell the folks at work - something like he had a doctor's appointment - so he could leave without fixing their problem until Monday. Maybe it was just me and the letdown after being with him.
It was just so different from the first time we were together. We had a hotel room and 4-5 hours to make L and be intimate. We were completely undressed for nearly all of that time. There was none of this pants above the knees thing.
Do other people feel this way? I hate to compare it to this, but, well, drugs make you high and then there is this big letdown that makes you need more. Is that what is going on? An emotional/sexual high followed by withdrawals?
And, please don't tell me to end this A. The last time I asked for help/support, all I got was (paraphrased) "sounds like a bad situation, get out of it." I would like some real feedback about if other people feel like this.
Secret Out

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I feel for your confusion, Secrets Out. But your post is a little confusing, so you will have to help me out here.
Is this A purely sexual or are you also having an emotional affair with MM? You said that being with MM the first time gave you an "emotional high". Are you confusing sex and love here? Have you and MM discussed what you want out of the A? Has MM expressed his feelings towards you? Because when it comes to sex and love, actions may seem louder than words, but, come on, sweetie, you have to know where you stand with him...
Maybe the only way to do that is to cut out the sex for now, you know? Or you could always ask...
And, yes, I can't help noticing your first paragraph--huge age difference, and MM seems to be perfection reincarnated. Think about those two things for a second. I hate to sound Freudian, but are you generally attracted to father-figure types? And worse, do you tend to idealize their qualities? I, too, find myself attracted to older men, and I think it is very easy to put them above you. But you shouldn't. He may be a great man in your head, but he did make you feel bad after time #2 (no sweet kiss good-byes even without much time??).
And, lastly, about your M...are you happy with your H? Have you given up on having a healthy M?
Sorry for all of the questions, and don't feel compelled to respond, but hopefully, by answering these questions, you will be able to sort out some of your confusion.
Hugs to you, Secrets Out!
Alameda
Everybody has a sexual "fingerprint". Certain things that
really turn them on, and several that turn them off too.
I think a lot of the posts about falling completely and
totally for another person are actually the exact matchups
of two sexual fingerprints. Just my opinion.
There is a certain magic to the "passionate meltdown" style
of making love. I don't think that is what you want, even
though many men prefer meltdown.
From your post, I think you want a lot of tender romance,
before, during, and after. You can tell us here, and we
can react for you, but we can't do a darn thing for you
next time you and MM are together.
So instead of telling us, tell him. Something like, "You
know, I really liked the first time a lot more than the
second time because we took our time. I felt so safe and
cherished, and I loved being totally naked together with
you. I love it when you.... (be specific here) etc. etc.".
Men are slow learners, but marginally trainable. We are
abismal mind readers. Remember, we do want to please you,
and we enjoy staying after class for remedial instruction.
Even white mice can learn after enough trips through the
maze.
You wrote, "I hate to compare it to this, but, well, drugs make you high and then there is this big letdown that makes you need more. Is that what is going on? An emotional/sexual high followed by withdrawals?"
I can't pretend to know the intricate workings of the body, but it's possible a chemical is released while being physical which can make a person feel drugged - like adreneline can rush through a person when they are physical in other ways. Then, coupled with intensense emotions, wowsa! I know what you mean because I can feel I'm on another plane when being physical with MM and I'm not aware of my surroundings. And, it can happen with kissing or being intimate.
Then, you come crashing (when the chemical has worn off?) down to earth!
Having only time for "quickies" seems common in an A - after all it is a secret relationship, and it is being fit in with an already full life - and for those that are married it takes even more juggling. Oooh, but those "quickies" can be exciting!, and good for any sexual relationship - a bit of spice in the spur of the moment. Sometimes I am so frustrated when I want MM *now* that I don't want to stop to removing clothing (oh my!).
But then for me - and it seems for you also - those hours-long times are just as valuable. I don't know if you've talked with your MM about what his and your expectations/boundaries are in the A? If not, you should so you both know you're on the same page. And, continued open communication is important, just as in any relationship, to ensure both your needs are being met.
I don't think you need to feel cheap and used (unless he was disrespectful) - because in a way you were using MM too. How to say this without making it sound bad - I tend to look in the dictionary because my definition of a word may not be the same as yours; my (old, lol) dictionary reads "employ, avail oneself of, exercise, exploit, application to a purpose". So, I don't mean you use MM in an exploitive way, but in fulfilling your needs, whether sexually or emotionally or both. Any relationship we have with any person includes a function or reason that we entertain that relationship... a use.
So, chickie, enjoy those quickies and know you are fulfilling a need he has, but talk with him if your needs aren't being met.
Have a great day,
Meow
This was supposed to be a purely physical A. Of course, that doesn't seem to be working. I like him as a person, and I have romantic feelings for him, but I don't use the "L" word. It scares the hell out of me.
Honestly, I worry that I am MM's mid-life crisis. He is the first older man that I've ever been attracted to and we knew and worked with each other for around a year before this attraction started.
I am happy with my marriage, for now. When this began, H and I were not doing well at all. I had money hidden for my "escape". MM and his W can go for days without speaking a single word to each other and weeks without any physical contact. Their 6-year-old sleeps between them. (Mind you, this is what he tells me. I have no real "proof" that this is true, and I have to believe him. I can't exactly ask her - we've never met.) Since this all began, H and I have been to counselling and he is working very hard to keep us together. I am doing not much more than I was doing before to make him happy. (The problems were his fault, anyway....ha ha.) I guess my lack of effort says a lot about my willingness to make my marriage work.
On the other hand, I do not want to leave my H to run off into the sunset with MM. He is not going to leave his W after 20+ years of marriage and I don't really want a future with a man that much older than I am. We will always be at different stages of life.
And you're right about sorting out my confusion by responding...typing out my responses makes me sort through all the crap in my life to get to my true feelings.
By the way, I talked to him on the phone today. I told him that he made me feel like I wasn't worth the time it took to undress completely and that I have a hard time with the let-down after he leaves suddenly like that. He apologized for the shortness of the time we had together and said that the clothing thing was just his hurry to be with me. I can live with that answer, and I'm glad he was willing to hear me out. I can't imagine having a conversation like that with my H. I think his age may make him a little more sensitive to me. Who in the heck knows? (I'm typing free-flow along with my thoughts...scary.)
Thanks for listening. That takes a lot of patience!
Secrets Out
I was just typing to Alameda about a phone conversation I had with MM today. You are right. I needed to talk to him about it instead of freaking out to total strangers.
Thanks,
Secrets Out
And I guess I never thought about using him, too. I do feel better, though, now that I've talked about it with him.
Thanks,
Secrets Out
Anyway, since it *is* during work hours that we fool around, it's always in a car (mind you, it's a van, though!). Meaning we've only had sex once and we've been together over 2 months now. Anyway, at first, we were so hungry for each other and more than a little worried about what would happen if we had anyone come by that we never fully undressed. As we got more comfortable with our circumstances - and found safer places! - if we have the time to fool around, we generally have the time to undress. It's a huge turn on for us both to have the other naked and I'm finding it does tend to cheapen the experience a lot less if the pants aren't down at the ankles. So I know what you're saying.
But I think your OMs explanation was reasonable and I think you were showing strength and wisdom to talk about it now, rather than fume about it. I'm sure in the future he will be more mindful of your interpretation of such things. My OM is an older guy, too, and I wouldn't have it any other way. God forbid, if OM should ever leave me, I doubt I could have anyone other than a vibrant older man like him. They've lived through enough in life to understand how to treat women...or, rather, most of them have.
Lucky
Try not to read into the "clothing" thing too much -- in past relationships I would get hung up on how I'd be darn near naked while the guy I was with still had on his pants, shirt, etc. -- really, I don't think guys spend even one second considering this type of thing, let alone noticing it! Nonetheless, I understand completely why it may seem to cheapen the situation for you. I'd be willing to bet that your MM would be surprised to hear it even remotely bothered you.
What some other folks wrote, about how EMA-rendezvous often mean unpredictable periods of intimacy (or even hanging out) is true. For better or for worse, it's part of the EMA reality.
HUGS!!!
You told us not to tell you to end the affair, but all addicts resist ending their addiction. Try to tell a drinker they need to stop drinking, and what do you think she will say?
You say it is a physical affair, but you sound like you are depending upon it for certain non-physical payoffs - ego boosting, tenderness, a surrogate husband who is more perfect than your real husband, sensitivity, attention, etc. If so, you are going to be disappointed... a LOT. This guy wants to get his private parts lubricated, and you agreed to that. Granted, he looks at you with melting eyes, etc., but that is in the bedroom. It means something. But it doesn't mean everything, and it doesn't mean what you want it to mean.
You have to make a choice: continue and accept your disappointments along with your highs or discontinue it. But I do not believe that you will be able to discontinue it without getting some counseling or reading some self-help books or something that will help you to learn to respect yourself enough to go after the whole enchilada, which is what you seem to really want.
All best.
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