Mixed feelings about my affair
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Mixed feelings about my affair
| Sat, 07-26-2003 - 6:41pm |
I am not used to talking about my relationship with a married man. I was raised not to do this, and it took me by surprise. But here I am, and I'm not unhappy in it. I have a lot of mixed feelings. I love this man and he means a lot to me. Sometimes when I think of him and his wife together, I feel very jealous. But that never lasts, because my shameful secret is that I wouldn't want to be married if I had the choice. I prefer to be single, but sometimes I want more because I don't have it. Does that make any sense? The mm calls me every few days and I see him 2 times a year. He has asked to see me more, but I refuse because I am afraid of others finding out. I like having sex with him, and he enjoys it with me. We are close friends, and have been that for almost 10 years. We talk about politics, life as a single (me), life as a married (him), we can talk to each other for hours about anything. I like him being my friend and lover. So whats wrong with this picture? Why can't I be content with this? Feedback, please.

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I also prefer being single and have been for about 14 years. My running joke against second marriages is, "That's why they invented divorce." Okay, not all that funny, but you get the point. Having mixed feelings is an earmark of these relationships, so you're certifiably normal.
Ten years is a long time to be friends with someone you're attracted to. I should know, I've known the MW I'm seeing about 17 years, and we've been lovers for 10. You never know what or who may come into your life, so I don't believe a person should ever pass up a good thing like chocolate, a great bottle of wine, or a beautiful person who makes you smile & pant. And after 10 years all I can say is my good thing just gets better.
My advice for you is to spend more face-to-face time with this man.
Good luck,
--LG
Sure, you love this guy, and he loves you. But it's not like you can tell the world about your happy love affair. You know in your heart that society frowns upon this, and you know in your heart that there is something sordid and deceitful about it. So, why should it be any surprise that you are not fully happy with it?
Quiet - only you can answer the question of your ambivalency towards this R. If you do want more from MM, then you have to look carefully at whether this is really the right R for you. Is he able and willing to provide what you need and want? He has to be both ABLE and WILLING... just being one or the other doesn't cut it. If you don't want more from MM but there is something else niggling at you -- whether it's the moral aspect, the obvious dead-end to the R, whatever -- YOU have to define what that is and what you want to do about it.
If you met Mr. Single-and-Fabulous tomorrow, would you be willing to let go of MM for the chance at a future with Mr. S&F? So how important IS that long-term view to you.
Whatever you decide, good luck. But I don't think anyone can tell you the solutions here... you need to take some time to figure yourself out.
take care,
lily
As for free thinkers like Christopher Columbus, Ben Franklin, the Founding Fathers, etc., well, they had a tough row to hoe. Life is not easy for people who go against the grain. But at least in the case of the explorers, inventors and framers of the constitution, there was a greater societal good to be gained. In the case of someone who is a relationship maverick, making rules up about fidelity and such, there is no particular greater societal good to be gained, and THUS, it will be harder for her to justify it.
How interesting! Your point about greater societal
good. If I understand you correctly, the morals are
different for famous free thinkers, because there is
some greater societal good. I find this moral
relativity totally unexpected.
It would logically also call for the creation of some
sort of moral and societal good value system. Persons
of sufficient societal value would be permitted moral
transgressions up to some point. Like OJ shouldn't have
gotten away with it, he only golfs anyway, but Clinton
should, because he had a great economy.
I think it may actually work this way, I didn't think
you did. You can have and do anything you want in life,
you just have to be willing to accept the consequences.
Please read my words and don't twist!
Thanks!
However, there is still a stigma about these relationships, and I feel afraid of the backlash. If my kids, friends, family, or his wife found out, life would be pretty miserable. I wish I could find a way to be at peace with this, cause I'm not willing to drop him again. Thanks for your feedback.
It is unusual, talking about such personal
things here with total strangers. There is a
great commonality of emotions and reactions
though that transcends age and gender. I am
continually amazed at how similarly people
are put together emotionally.
Nothing in life is totally risk free, but posting
here is probably a lot safer than most things
we routinely do on a daily basis. You occasionally
meet some abrasive people, but they are pretty
rare. Most people here are amazingly helpful
and tolerant. You are relatively anonymous here.
You do have a choice about being married, and
it is good that you know you don't want to be.
I suspect I would be much happier single again
myself.
You say your MM wants to be with you more, but
you just don't want it. The point is that you
could have more of him in your life if you wanted.
It seems you are conflicted. On the one hand you
want more of him, on the other less. It is up to
you to decide what you want, but the choices are
mutually exclusive. You can't have both. So pick
your level of comfort, or conversely, your level
of least discomfort. Then be happy, you have done
your best.
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