Mixed feelings about my affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Mixed feelings about my affair
20
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 6:41pm
I am not used to talking about my relationship with a married man. I was raised not to do this, and it took me by surprise. But here I am, and I'm not unhappy in it. I have a lot of mixed feelings. I love this man and he means a lot to me. Sometimes when I think of him and his wife together, I feel very jealous. But that never lasts, because my shameful secret is that I wouldn't want to be married if I had the choice. I prefer to be single, but sometimes I want more because I don't have it. Does that make any sense? The mm calls me every few days and I see him 2 times a year. He has asked to see me more, but I refuse because I am afraid of others finding out. I like having sex with him, and he enjoys it with me. We are close friends, and have been that for almost 10 years. We talk about politics, life as a single (me), life as a married (him), we can talk to each other for hours about anything. I like him being my friend and lover. So whats wrong with this picture? Why can't I be content with this? Feedback, please.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 9:00pm
Qwiet,

I also prefer being single and have been for about 14 years. My running joke against second marriages is, "That's why they invented divorce." Okay, not all that funny, but you get the point. Having mixed feelings is an earmark of these relationships, so you're certifiably normal.

Ten years is a long time to be friends with someone you're attracted to. I should know, I've known the MW I'm seeing about 17 years, and we've been lovers for 10. You never know what or who may come into your life, so I don't believe a person should ever pass up a good thing like chocolate, a great bottle of wine, or a beautiful person who makes you smile & pant. And after 10 years all I can say is my good thing just gets better.

My advice for you is to spend more face-to-face time with this man.

Good luck,

--LG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 1:32am
I think that you are having trouble feeling content with this because you know that it is morally wrong. It probably also bothers you that you are not in a "real" relationship. You say that you don't want to be married and prefer to be single, but I can't figure out why - do you date? Do you party a lot? I think that another reason you are discontented with your affair is that you really DO want more out of life than a man that you see twice a year, but you can't see this guy more than that because you don't want people to find out about this.

Sure, you love this guy, and he loves you. But it's not like you can tell the world about your happy love affair. You know in your heart that society frowns upon this, and you know in your heart that there is something sordid and deceitful about it. So, why should it be any surprise that you are not fully happy with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 8:05am
Yoga - If we all went along with what society thought was right, we'd all still think the world was flat. And why on earth should everyone want to get married? There are plenty of single people out there who are happy in that position and it has nothing to do with loose morals or partying a lot... some people simply prefer being single.

Quiet - only you can answer the question of your ambivalency towards this R. If you do want more from MM, then you have to look carefully at whether this is really the right R for you. Is he able and willing to provide what you need and want? He has to be both ABLE and WILLING... just being one or the other doesn't cut it. If you don't want more from MM but there is something else niggling at you -- whether it's the moral aspect, the obvious dead-end to the R, whatever -- YOU have to define what that is and what you want to do about it.

If you met Mr. Single-and-Fabulous tomorrow, would you be willing to let go of MM for the chance at a future with Mr. S&F? So how important IS that long-term view to you.

Whatever you decide, good luck. But I don't think anyone can tell you the solutions here... you need to take some time to figure yourself out.

take care,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 10:22am
I agree with you Lily, but the poster was expressing discontent, and I was trying to help her think of reasons why she might be less than happy.

As for free thinkers like Christopher Columbus, Ben Franklin, the Founding Fathers, etc., well, they had a tough row to hoe. Life is not easy for people who go against the grain. But at least in the case of the explorers, inventors and framers of the constitution, there was a greater societal good to be gained. In the case of someone who is a relationship maverick, making rules up about fidelity and such, there is no particular greater societal good to be gained, and THUS, it will be harder for her to justify it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 3:24pm
Yoga,

How interesting! Your point about greater societal

good. If I understand you correctly, the morals are

different for famous free thinkers, because there is

some greater societal good. I find this moral

relativity totally unexpected.

It would logically also call for the creation of some

sort of moral and societal good value system. Persons

of sufficient societal value would be permitted moral

transgressions up to some point. Like OJ shouldn't have

gotten away with it, he only golfs anyway, but Clinton

should, because he had a great economy.

I think it may actually work this way, I didn't think

you did. You can have and do anything you want in life,

you just have to be willing to accept the consequences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 4:00pm
Leviguy, thanks for the feedback. This man means much to me, when we talk to each other on the phone we usually hang up with a smile on our faces! No sex talk, just everyday conversation, go figure...He lives way across the country and this is about as good as it's going to get, I guess. It just seemed to be kinda crazy to regret the affair at times but still love the guy and the buzz we have with each other :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 4:06pm
Wow - twist my words, why don't you! I didn't say that it is okay to bend your MORALS in some cases but not in others!!! I said that those who break with convention for the greater good (inventors, explorers, for example) may have an easier time justifying their break with convention to society. On the other hand, those who break with convention for personal gain alone (those in an affair, for example, and don't tell me they do it for the greater good!!) may have a harder time justifying their break with convention to society.

Please read my words and don't twist!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 4:17pm
I don't see it as sordid, because there's something pure and genuine about what we're thinking and feeling for each other. The friendship part is more important than the sex part, it's the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I'm not going to say he's my soulmate, cause that's not the way I feel. It's more like he's an important part of my life and things seem not as bright in the world without him. He's there for me if I have a problem or a situation, and I'm there for him.

However, there is still a stigma about these relationships, and I feel afraid of the backlash. If my kids, friends, family, or his wife found out, life would be pretty miserable. I wish I could find a way to be at peace with this, cause I'm not willing to drop him again. Thanks for your feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 4:26pm
Qwiet,

It is unusual, talking about such personal

things here with total strangers. There is a

great commonality of emotions and reactions

though that transcends age and gender. I am

continually amazed at how similarly people

are put together emotionally.

Nothing in life is totally risk free, but posting

here is probably a lot safer than most things

we routinely do on a daily basis. You occasionally

meet some abrasive people, but they are pretty

rare. Most people here are amazingly helpful

and tolerant. You are relatively anonymous here.

You do have a choice about being married, and

it is good that you know you don't want to be.

I suspect I would be much happier single again

myself.

You say your MM wants to be with you more, but

you just don't want it. The point is that you

could have more of him in your life if you wanted.

It seems you are conflicted. On the one hand you

want more of him, on the other less. It is up to

you to decide what you want, but the choices are

mutually exclusive. You can't have both. So pick

your level of comfort, or conversely, your level

of least discomfort. Then be happy, you have done

your best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 4:28pm
Very good questions, Lily. I've been thinking about them. I love the mm, I have known him since we were kids (although we pretty much couldn't stand each other then), we have the greatest friendship. I don't think a marriage between us would work, he is, how can I say this, a stuffed shirt, LOL, very conservative in his thinking. I am the exact opposite. In this case, opposites attract and stay attracted. We live across the country from each other, and I think that's a big factor. I date, but have not been in a serious relationship for awhile. If a compatible guy came along in my life, I would try to keep the friendship with the mm if he were willing to, but I would not be intimate with him if I was in a committed relationship with the compatible one. Suffice it to say, things would change, definitely. Thanks for giving me food for thought.

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