Confused about new EMA

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Confused about new EMA
15
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 7:19pm
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Edited 12/20/2003 1:42:02 PM ET by charlotte1203

 

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Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 7:38pm
I don't have any answers for you, but I'm posting in sympathy! My EMA started two weeks ago tomorrow, so it's REALLY new. My MM and I have also known each other for three years. We're both married, he has three young children, I have none. Neither one of us wants to leave our marriages, either. He finally approached me, because how he felt about me (whatever that means!) was driving him crazy and he had to know one way or another how far things were going to go between us. I would never have made the initial approach, but I was trying to make it as clear as possible that I was very receptive to whatever he wanted. We have only "been together" once so far--I really don't know how this is going to play out. Since at last we have finally made the big step, I am always afraid now that he will decide he really can't do this. I already know I have feelings deeper for him than as a friend. I haven't told him that, and I don't know how he feels about me, aside from being very physically attracted to me. Let me know what happens with you--what was it that finally made you decide to approach your MM? Do you feel guilty at all? (I don't, but I keep thinking I should!) Best wishes--
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 7:56pm
Thanks jeanbob. No, I don't feel guilty, and like you, I think I'm only feeling guilty that I don't feel guilty! Although I do worry about hurting my husband. I never thought I would feel this way too (about not feeling guilty). I approached him because he was my boss, and I knew he would never risk approaching me. I was leaving that job to move on to another, and I don't know, the thought of never seeing him again was too much. So I took a chance. It turned out he was thinking the same things about me. He is amazing. He is intelligent, witty, so handsome, so sexy, and completely unpretentious (the part I find most attractive about him). Oh well, thanks so much for your response. Let me know how things turn out for you too.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 8:05pm
Hi charlotte and welcome,

My EMA in many ways sounds similar to your own... except that I had only know MM but a few months before we took it further. I must admit I had doubts with my feelings when I first entered my EMA, but once I sort everything out... I thought I could handle a physical only affair. For me though it now been over 3 years... and I think over time and the things that MM and I have been through together have just drawn us closer... and I know for me that I have very deep feelings for MM and am falling in love with him.

However... that doesn't make me want more from him... he has his marriage that he is not walking away from and I have mine that at this stage will not walk away from either.

We email every day and talk on the phone at least once a week... we talk about almost everything and have always been open and honest and up front with our situations. I probably only get to see MM once a month maybe twice if I'm lucky. All the little things have opened me up and allowed me to love him.

So... from my point of view... yes! I think you can fall in love with somebody this way.

As for how you deal with it... I don't think I can really offer anything on that one... it's really all a matter of what perspective you put on everything in your life... and MM is just but one part... a very special part and for now I intend to keep that for as long as I can.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 3:20am
Charlotte,

You ask if it is possible to fall in love with someone you

see only twice a month. Since you are attracted to him, I must

say it is highly likely.

Your mind will fill in the "gaps" in your relationship. It will

not fill in the annoying details of everyday life, like how he

leaves his clothes laying around, how he never puts the toilet

seat down, how he never helps with the dishes. Trust me, it will

only fill in the madly passionate sex, the glances, the touches...

So yes, it is even more likely that you will fall madly in love

with someone you have limited access to.

You say your M is "not that bad", and you don't want to leave

your H. OK, what is missing that you need this other man for?

There are lots of reasons here, don't think I am putting you

on the spot. You should answer these questions for yourself,

be honest!

Are you setting yourself up for a big fall? Perhaps, what do you

expect from this relationship? Answer that and the rest should

be easy.

Your multiple edits suggest you are worried about posting here.

Relax, we only want what you want, your happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 8:43am
When I find myself wondering about all of the "unanswered" in my EMA I try to tell myself that there are just something feelings that don't need to be discussed because they just dont matter in the big picture. The only problem with that is that eventually curiousity kills the cat! I'm stuck in a very terrible stage right now in my EMA. I'm married, fully intend to stay that way, he's in a committed relationship, we've both discussed the fact we'd never work together, he's "in love with me" and I can openly admit to loving him. The "L" words been said but did it really need to be? Sometimes I wish it hadn't, maybe to protect myself...who knows...bottom line is sometimes we need to just let things be what they are and not try so hard to define things or put things into words - just let things be...but unfortunately that's not a simple task
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 9:07am
Charlotte,

I just wanted to let you know your not alone. Our situations are very similar. I'm also M w/. 2 small chilren and my marriage is really pretty good other than lacking passion and affection from H. I have been friends w/ OM and there has been an intense mutual attraction going on for months, however he did make the first move. We rarely talk about our future or emotions, I know were both scared. I don't want to scare him off either. The one time I brought it up that maybe we can see each other more other than just being intimate he said something that he feels guilty enough and that he doesn't want to get caught if we were seen together. I know he's holding back. BTW he is single.

When you said:"I don't want to leave my husband, but I am starting to feel like if I loose this man, if he suddenly is no longer a part of my life, there is going to be a huge hole there." I have this exact thought.

I also feel that I'm falling for OM even though we don't see each other to much, and I know I'm setting myself up for a fall because I'm fairly certain I could never leave my H.



Your not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 2:39pm
Thanks to you all for your responses. You have all given me a lot to think about. I will continue to think about why I feel I need a relationship outside of my marriage, and try to get it clear in my head what exactly I am expecting from this EMA. Meanwhile, I will say that I honestly don't want it to be more than it is...I know it never could be - that it could never work. I do think it is okay for us to care about each other, and be there for each other along with the sex. If I fall for him, I fall for him, and as one of you said - it really doesn't matter whether it is said or not. I also think that I rationalize (maybe in order for justification) that it's insane to think one person (i.e. a husband) can fulfill all your needs throughout a lifetime. (Which is why I feel I need this now). I also think it is possible to love and/or deeply care for two people at the same time. But I will think about it all more. Good luck to all of you, and thanks again!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 10:53am
Charlotte --

I think it's completely possible to fall in love with someone even if you don't seem him that often. After all, you have known him for some time, and have worked with him.

Still, it's possible that your feelings aren't truly those of love, but more a combination of having a spring in your step, something new and fresh in your life - that sort of thing.

I find myself raising similar questions (in my own head) lately . . . am I falling for my MM , even if I deeply love my DH and plan on remaining married and someday having children with my DH? It kind of hit me hard over the weekend, when I had a BAD DAY (family stuff), and despite my DH's consoling and sweet demeanor about the whole thing, what I really wanted was to be in MM's arms :o(

Give yourself some time ... the answer will eventually reveal itself (patience is both the reward and punishment of EMA's, in my humble opinion!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 11:16am
Hi Char. I wanted to fill you in on my story, but it's pretty long. Can I email you?
Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 1:09pm
Char, just wanted to let you know that our situations are alot alike. I too have only been seeing MM for a few months and I did initiate contact with him (this time) I've known this man since I was 16 and he was 23, we dated a few times even then having to sneak around so my parents wouldn't find out. I met him again when I was 21, we were both married, he was my boss...and at age 23 I found myself having an affair with him...which ended quite horribly I must say. I've never forgot him, he's never been far from my mind for 12 years and when I ran across his email a few months ago at work...I took a chance and emailed him. We have talked every single day since and are now in a full-fledged sexual affair...that to be honest, I never really thought would happen. We both had said no strings, no emotion etc. << I think I was the one saying it the most actually. It hasn't turned out this way at all, he told me that he had "feelings" for me and several other things that really scared me. I tossed and turned on it for 2 weeks before finally telling him that I too had "feelings" for him and that I had also been wrong to think our feelings wouldn't become involved etc., We haven't actually "discussed" WHAT those feelings are by the way. I do know that I could not possibly see me leaving my marriage at this time in my life for him. I think I do love him, how could I not? But at the same time, I do love my husband. I know that sounds totally CRAZY doesn't it? But, it's true. I have three kids and my MM has two of his own also. He also says that leaving his marriage is not a possibility at this time for him either. I totally understand as my situation is the same, but at the same time I have such mixed emotions...sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. I too feel that if MM weren't there, I'd be missing something so huge in my life..I wonder if I'd ever get over it. I can't fantom the thought of not seeing him, or talking to him or having him in my life like I have the last 12 years. I know something is there....for me and for him. I just wonder what's the point in ever telling him that I think I do love him, since it's possible we may never totally be together, then again...after all these years and things we've been through, sometimes I'd just like him know that I do love him and don't expect anything in return...or do I? See, I confuse myself. I thought I was the odd ball out here because everyone keeps telling me...find out what's wrong in your marriage, figure yourself out first, etc. And that may all be true, but the truth is...I have a good marriage. The first 4 years were hell...he found out about the affair 12 years ago, he forgave me...as I had him two years before that...we were both young, chalked it down to that, started over and have truly had a blessed life to some extent. Sure we argue every now and then, who doesn't? But he's a wonderful man, the best dad ever, AND he's always there for me. He's kind and loving and shows me attention "almost" every single day...so I wonder "what's my problem?" Why am I doing what I'm doing? Anyways, I too find it so hard to be in this situation and know without a doubt I will end up hurting in the end for all this, either way it ends. I just know I don't want to lose MM again, not this time...but I don't want to hurt DH and kids either. I'm so mixed up it's unbelievable. I'm glad to find someone that says they too can't see leaving their marriage because I really thought I was in such a minority! Would love to talk more!

{{Hugs to you}}

ARH

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