Marry? Are you kidding?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 07-28-2003 - 1:00am |
As an aside to the topic of marriage--which often comes up here--and as a general discussion, I thought I'd post this. Rose & I seem to agree, though I won't speak for her here.
What's the big deal about being married? Being single has SO many advantages that you can't list them. Many people, especially younger folks, seem to equate "single" with a host of wicked terms like "loser, F-up, unwanted, ugly, stupid, etc."
I don't want to bag on married people, nor will I. I will, however, point out the obvious: being married sure don't make folks happy. I have a few dozen married friends who I love, but I know they "question" their lives often; my GF is a MW. Nuff said?
Lookit, I'm not saying married people suck--my best friends are married. I'm just saying that being single is an enormously refreshing lifestyle, and I couldn't see being married again--ever.
I'm just not insecure about being alone, and I don't need any ol' body next to me at night. And I don't see being married having to do with the kids: mine were 4 & 6 when I invited the little woman to move out in 1989--the kids are in college now, and they are just fine.
This is simply a short, personal narrative. I hope no one here takes the above as an indictment. I'm simply tossing out the idea that being single isn't a freakish notion. Once you've done it, you'll never go back.
--LG
PS: If you wonder if I'd marry my MW someday & live with her--listen to K.T. Oslin's song, "Live Close By, Visit Often" That's the answer. Single's good, guys.

I think your most important point is that single is good
for you. Just as affairs are not for everybody, certainly
marriage is not for everybody. Nor is staying single.
The truth is that all of life's decisions have pro's and
con's. The appropriateness of any decision depends really
on what the person making it wants. Being single has
advantages, but so does being married, and so does an A.
They all have downsides too. There is no panacea.
If you don't question your life often, how do you know
when you want to make changes? I think everyone looks at
their own reality pretty often. When they become unhappy
they make changes they think will make them happy. I would
be far more worried if you never questioned your life and
the course it was taking.
Since all people start out being single, before they are
married, saying "Once you've done it, you'll never go back"
just seems wrong to me. If it were that great for everyone,
nobody would be getting married. Obviously they are. So at
some level, marriage meets a significant inner need for a
lot of people. Not everyone, but for a lot of them.
I am glad you are happy being single. You could meet someone,
fall deeply in love, and I would be happy to see you married.
It is your choice. I celebrate your ability to choose, as
well as your very appropriate choice.
You make some good, though broader, points. Pros & cons to everything, that's correct.
Let me try to focus more on the point I clearly didn't articulate in the original post. I was trying to discuss the extreme pressure there is on people to get married, stay married, or remarry:
To marry--When are you going to get married? You're not getting any younger. When are you going to settle down? Your clock is ticking.
Stay married--It's just the 7 year itch, you'll get over it. You can't split up, think about the kids. What are you going to do if you divorce, it's a jungle out there.
Remarry--So when are you going to start dating again? You've been living alone long enough & it's time to get out there. So when are you gonna find Mr/Ms right?
So all I'm saying is that the culture isn't hard-wired to think of people going through life single--there's always that "hope" (read: pressure) that the single people we know will marry. Why even in your last paragraph, Desert, you naturally mentioned that I might meet someone, fall deeply in love, and marry. It's subtle, but still there (and yes, I know it wasn't your major thesis).
Society's expectation that people be married is culturally ingrained, and I believe it's that expectation that often times messes with peoples' heads when they are in transition.
Make sense?
--LG
Edited 7/28/2003 10:33:58 PM ET by leviguy
About that 7 year itch...I am not married, but we have been together for about 8 years. The past couple years have been rough for both of us -- lots of changes in our lives. We have actually separated a couple of times in the 8 years to get space, reevaluate the R, refocus, etc. And each time, we ended up back together.
And even though I always thought we would get married eventually, the A is making me reconsider so many things about myself as a present G/F, future W...
Obviously, I don't fit the mold for those that marry right away--despite my mother's (and a lot of others')expectations. And I don't 'need' to get married for stability, $, or anything else. And kids? Well, I have always thought I would adopt, so the clock isn't ticking...
So my question is: why really get married?
Alameda
I will try to explain my position and hopefully also address what Desert was trying to say.
First, let me say that I am not anti-marriage, nor do I say that I will "never" remarry. However, single life is a better lifestyle for me and "if" I ever got married, there would have to be some allowances to compensate for that. Meaning that I would not then adopt a different philosophy for "married life". I believe in monogamy, and am a one guy woman - as long as it works. However, if I was monogomous simply for "other" benefits in a relationship, I personally would have a different viewpoint and frankly would not be very good at it under a "tit for tat" basis. LOL So I believe that a person has to look at why they believe in it and their motivations behind practicing it. There is nothing complex in my motivations, if it works I'm there, if it doesn't other things do not make up for it.
Now for me, I don't have the "needs" that most have for marriage. Without those needs, it comes in second place for me. For one, I love coming home to an empty house and a good meal does not get better with company (but can be more enjoyable with a good book LOL); I am not lonely in my own company and if I feel like company, I prefer to go to them rather than having them always around; I don't believe in "The One" but know that I can be happy in a variety of company with compatibility in different areas; and the big one that I hear is that I don't believe that marriage means that you will not die alone. We all die alone and the more you suffer the more alone you become. Not only that, with sickness, death, and divorce, marriage in no way guarantee that this person will be there in the home stretch, so it is like going to a casino IMHO. Old people find love and companionship, so I don't feel like I need to "hook" someone while I am younger looking. However, if my viewpoint changes later in life, I have no doubt that some old guy (feisty of course LOL) will be more than happy to spend time in my pleasing company. LOL
I totally agree with your words about "living close by, and visiting often". Love does not erase my need/contentment for personal physical and emotional space. So it isn't a matter of finding a love that will "transform" me and my thoughts, but rather simply having a love that is allowed to take up a little more space in my world. :-)
WRT Desert's comments, frankly the only "con" to my single lifestyle is dating someone who can't accept it and frankly that becomes "his" con (sorry but my suitcase is built for one LOL).
Rose
I can understand where your thoughts come from in the societal pressure to cohabitate with a mate. Since I am D'ing, and although few know what our M was like, there are those that don't understand why we don't just work it out - they do not understand how I can smile and look forward to independence. And there are those that are *already* talking about my "getting out there", "you'll meet someone else" - even my children are asking questions about a step-dad! Puleaze, lol!
I am so looking forward to being independent, and can see my EMA with MM being my primary relationship, and being life-long. I think I'll have my cake and eat it too! But, that's how I feel *today*.
I have learned that one cannot say never, not ever, in some things. I wouldn't've thunk I'd ever be in an EMA, but here I am. One doesn't always know what is around the corner if they are keeping an open mind and experiencing life to the fullest!
Of course, I'm glad that you are happy with MW and your relationship! I'm glad you know what you want, and have that. I promise if things change for you in the future (because sometimes we don't have control in how our life changes), I won't say "I told you so", lol!
Have a great day,
Meow
Glad you popped in.
Meow
Meow, since you promised not to say "I told you so" someday in the future, I'll reconsider my use of the N ("never") word. Okay? :--)
--LG
PS: Enjoy your cake!
PS2: Good thoughts/sharing, the rest of you.
But that's how I feel today. Anyway, that lucky guy will have to wait a long time after I'm D to put a ring on my finger...
hugs!