Am I really this weak?
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Am I really this weak?
| Mon, 07-28-2003 - 11:34am |
Hey all - last week MM/and boss was in and out of town and then left with the family for a reunion - I told him I wasn't looking forward to the 6 days I would have to go without seeing him (since we normally see each other daily during the week) I thought he'd make SOME effort to see me while he was in and out of town - but he didn't - I was RATHER disappointed and found myself preparing to walk away (not JUST because of this but other things too) I wrote the letter I wanted to give him - had myself ALL psyched up ready to do it!
He walked in this morning and I was sorta cold to him - as the morning wore on - I wore down... 5 minutes ago he came back and kissed me - I kissed him back and all strength seems to be lost! I mean I had wanted to come in and see how he reacted to me - and this is 20 times better than I expected and yet do I just FORGET how he treated me last week? I mean HELLO how weak am I? I mean EVERYTHING I thought about over the last few days is STILL there and yet all he has to do is kiss me and I let him back!?!? UGH!!!!

What do you go by? Poster? Ima?
It sounds like MM may just have been busy last week...?? And it sounds like your ego was hurt, leading you to think much more about your A than he did (at least last week anyway). When I don't get my way, I tend to obsess about things. And then when I voice my frustration, whoever I am mad at says "what? what are you talking about? you didn't say anything all week? don't expect me to read your mind!"
Just a thought///
Do you work for MM? If so, and you really want to end the A--have you thought about the aftermath?
Before you pass on any letter to MM, let it sit for awhile. Then go back, reread it, and decide if that is how you are still feeling.
Good luck,
Alameda
Remember that MM is, well, married and has a whole other facet to his life. I know I keep different aspects of my life seperate (work, home, EMA, etc.) - even if they can overlap at times, it's easier for me to feel balanced if I keep them seperate. Do you think this is what MM was doing, to coin the word, "compartmentalizing"? It doesn't mean, though, that he wasn't thinking of you!
Hmmm, what is your definition of weak? Do you mean easily influenced, or lacking in your conviction? I doubt that you are weak...perhaps you are not just ready to end your EMA yet. Even if you feel the relationship is not what you want or need, it's still hard to let go when you have feelings for him.
Have you talked with MM about his feelings for you? Have you been able to come to terms with his staying in his M?, or are you hoping he may change his mind?, or are you happy with the relationship knowing it will always be secret? I guess I'm wondering what your expectations are of MM and the EMA. I don't think an EMA is for everyone because it's not always fulfilling for both partners.
I think that if you truly want to end the EMA because it isn't what you want, you will - you'll know when you've reached that place and you will be strong enough in thinking of yourself first. That's because you will realize you experience more downs then up and enough will be enough! But, if you aren't there yet, relax...enjoy getting to know MM better (because even if it's what about 4 months?, and you work together, you are still learning about each other), and enjoy the overall experience.
I had considered ending my EMA, and we had a break (although we did still talk) a few months ago. I've read alot on this board that a person can reach an emotional stage in wanting more in the relationship, and that's where I was when I wanted to end it, since I knew MM is not leaving his M. I came to the realization that, for me, I was in an EMA for MM, not the relationship. I do love him, and yes would like an open relationship, but I'm happy with what we have, today, and take each day at a time. I may change my mind next week, but that's next week. Of course, my situation is different than yours.
I don't think I've helped you here, but I can understand what you are experiencing. Do let us know how you are doing.
Meow