need some advice plz!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
need some advice plz!!!!!!!!!!!!
3
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 6:14pm
will make it short and sweet!

Have bben seeing him for over two and a half years, I got caught early into our relationship was given a choice and I left a 21 year marriage, did not know you could love someon so deeply and so dear. I took a chance and well 2 and a half years down the road he still is with his W. He promises to leave her , that is the only reason I have stayed, I have a hard time with this whole A. not saying it is wrong,, but just want him to make things right. He keeps saying to me yes I will leave but just do not know when, he says so many things involved, three kids and all. Last time he tried that excuse told him to stop using it, told him that he made me feel like I was some horrible monster to leave my three kids dad, told him to stop that excuse, to easy for him to play on that emtion, sure he loves his kids, but a love for a woman and for your kids are different..Have come to a point that I have had enough of his excuses, but yet love him so dear, I believe he will eventually leave, but feel that I am making his life easier for him at home, cause he has someone to constantly love him through his bad and good days, someone who loves him no matter what, yes we have tried breaking up but somehow seem to end up right back to where we are...just do not know what to do ,, one day he says plaese just love me , have patience and wait and then today he says only you can know if you want to wait,,,am getting such a mixed message do not know what to do any more,, please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

always waiting

Ladyingwaiting40

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 6:38pm
Hi Lady and welcome,

Hon... this is one decision that you need to make on your own. You can not rely on the words of your MM and you can not force his hand in the situation either as it may just come back to bite you on the butt later on.

Please don't think I'm being harsh... just trying to get you to see the whole picture. Your MM must only walk away from his marriage for reasons of his own... he can not and should not ever do it for the love of another person. There are obviously problems within his marriage and he needs to realise these first and work on them... not nessecarily the marriage, but the problems or chances are they will just follow him to the next relationship... being the two of you and when and if things do not go right... he may just blame you for it all. Do you see what I'm saying????

You need to sit and look at your life... are you prepared to sit and wait for him?? and if so... how long??? in your own mind give him a time frame to work with... you can even let him know... tell him you are not prepared to wait forever and want to live your life... but if you do this you must go ahead and walk away as planned... otherwise he will just expect you to be there and it will do nothing to make him sort things through... why should it?

As hard as it is... if you are not prepared to sit and be the OW you need to do this for yourself.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 8:20pm
Hi Lady, and welcome.

If you knew that MM was *never* going to leave his M, how much longer would you want to be with him?

That's the question you have to answer. Because right now he's giving you every indication that he is staying where he is. And once you have the answer to that question, you can get on with YOUR life. Let's say it's six months... then circle that day on your calendar and know that in six months, if he's still w/W, you are moving on. And you can share that date w/him if you want... not as an ultimatum, but as sharing information so he understands where YOU are coming from.

You have a life. You need to live it for you. Not for MM, not for whatever kind of life you left behind. So get moving on it.

And good luck. It's not easy. But it can be done and for your own sake, it needs to be done. Stop worry about whether MM will leave his W or not because you have no control over that. Given today's situation, decide what you can live with and for how long, and move on from there.

take care,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 8:37pm
Lily --

The way you boiled it down to one question -- if you knew that MM was never going to leave his marriage -- was very insightful! In fact, it has given me a lot of clarity all of a sudden . . . funny how one sentence can pack such a punch! I am happy with my M and my EMA, but have been struggling some side emotions that accompany it. THANKS!


LADY --

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a roller coaster of emotions. It sounds very difficult to deal with your MM's actions and words, especially when they conflict. My EMA's have not been of this type . . . but I know that you will find a lot of support and good advice here. HANG IN THERE!!