just a question for all

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
just a question for all
13
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 8:42pm
How do we get where we are that we need a forum, how do we get where we are that life takes a dramtic turn, how do we get where we are and still have hopes, dreams, a wish!! How do we get where we are and still hold our heads up high, how do we have to deal with society always looking down on us, yet we survive, how do we smile when we see a an emaail of whispered words, how do we see light, hope in the silence of three little words spoken across the air waves, how do we see our dreams in stolen minutes of time, how do we see and feel the passion of one's touch, how do we share those things and times with so few, yet we so cherish?????????

I think that love where we may find it and all the problems aand all the trials it brings, it is the LOVE that we find in someone so dear that makes us hang on, be foolish as I may hanging on for over 2 and a half years no end in sight and excuses I could number..

It is love that keeps us whole, it is love that makes this right and it is a love thaat has no boundries, has no space nor time

It is just a pure love, that keeps us here

okay now let me out LOL

Ladyinwaiting40

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 9:28pm
It's all about choice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 9:44pm
nope never about choice, love does not come from choice it comes from the heart

choice not a facturer here!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 9:46pm
I love, love, love hot fudge sundaes, but if I ate one for dinner every night, I would become fat. So, I choose to not "go there". That is what I mean by choice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 9:59pm
Yes I agree, but does a hot fudge sundae, have touch, have feelings, give you back love, does that sundae make you all warm in the morning, does that sundae make you think about tomorrow, does that sundae make you have wishes dreams okay maybe desires, having an A is not just about LUST, it is about finding the sundae that you do not want to eat, you look at it this way aand that ad just can not commuse it for it is something that you waited your lifetime for and you have NO SPOON!!!!!!!!!!!

it is never matter of choice, choice is to easy, love is never easy!1

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 11:13pm
What you describe as the differences between a man and a hot fudge sundae are merely the differences in the benefits each one gives to you. The fact that a man is more satisfying than a hot fudge sundae does not mean that being with him is not a choice. It is always about choice. Love left untended does wither away. And sometimes it is better that way. Desire left unquenched eventually diminishes. When you love, when you desire, you always have FREE WILL to act on it or not to act on it. Maybe it is harder to resist your man than it is for me to resist a hot fudge sundae, I'll give you that. But it is still a choice any way you slice it.

Avatar for secrets86
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 11:40pm
I had to jump in b/c I thought you Ladies

were having a good discussion on some interesting

points. I've heard it said before, and I completely

agree with, that people are forever using the word

"love" not only too frequently and frivolously, but

also incorrectly. Love really is about emotions and

feelings, and is unconditional. To say we love a

sundae (don't we all haha), or to say "i love dancing"

or "i love traveling" is really using "love" incorrectly.

We don't truly mean "love" in its true sense, but rather,

we like something (or "really really really like something"

lol).

I do not think that you CHOOSE to fall in love, nor do you

or CAN you, choose whom you fall in love *with.* When I

started feeling any sort of emotion towards OM as more than

just my friend, and when I realized I had started falling in

love, I said a million times that I wish I hadn't. That if I

had a CHOICE I would not feel all that I do for him. You can

say that I did have the choice to pull away from him & remove

myself from that situation. And if you were to say that, you'd

be absolutely right. I had the CHOICE to change the *situation*

NOT the emotion. Emotions can not be turned on and off like a

light switch. Some stay w/ you forever, and others can, and will

fade.

People are CHOOSING to remain in A's... they are staying in that

situation b/c in some way, they are getting SOME payoff for it.

People won't continue to do something if they're not getting some

sort of payoff for it (yes, I watch Dr.Phil haha). An emotion is

uncontrollable. Whether you act on your emotions IS controllable.

But the emotion itself, is not. Nobody decides to feel angry,

upset, jealous, embarrassed, sad, happy, excited, etc. - they just

do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 12:37am
Hey secrets,

I agree with you that emotions can't be turned on and off easily and that they can be controlled. It is a matter of imposing our rationality onto the impulse to act on our emotions. Rationality allows us to control our wants, desires, and emotions.

For example,

John is 3 years old. He has no concept of what is "right" and he sees candy on a shelf in the store and takes it. He cannot control his desire. His actions of course are understandable, and hopefully Parent will intervene to rectify the situation...

Jane, however, is 30. She is very angry with H. Rather than explode, she opts to suppress her anger and deal with it in a rational way.

What we deem as rational, however, cannot be so easily explained, or defined. Oftentimes it is what society imposes upon us, but in today's world, it seems that everyone has their own yardstick...

I personally am having a very difficult time justifying the A to myself. The 'rational' side of me has been conditioned by a very Puritan household (and let's face it, country)...So I am feeling a little out of balance for not controlling my desires.

So for me, it is a matter of readjusting that yardstick or ending the A.

Alameda








iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 12:49am
Secrets,

I said you CHOOSE your actions. Of course you can't choose your FEELINGS. You fall in love. But you still have a choice whether or not to act on it.

Right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 1:00am
Yoga,

I agree. But at the same time, it's so hard, you know?

I know a lot of women here say that if they could do it over again they would do things exactly the same way. But I wouldn't. When the A started, it was purely physical for me. The desire was real, but the love was non-existent. It started because I was missing something in my R. And then came the L feelings. Had I not started in the first place, they never would have developed...So if I could do it all over again, I'd work on my R first.

But unfortunately I don't have that luxury. And unfortunately the feelings that develop are as real as the initial desire...

So with strength, I will be able to WILL myself in the right direction, whatever that may be...

Sorry for rambling here,

A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 6:16am
Ain't love GRAND??!!??!!

Well said Lady! Nothing but Love could ever be as screwed up as this huh?

CFH

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