Choice taken out of my hands

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Choice taken out of my hands
7
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 7:22am
Well I know longer have to make the choice about spending the day with him on Sunday, he came to see me for all of 30 seconds, looking harried and very distressed. His W, even though they are separated, his harrassing him, stalking him. She verbally attacked that OW, the one he slept with, and even went to her house. He told me that his W said, that if he doesn't move back home she is going to follow him everywhere and if she even sees him talking to anyone else, she is going to harass that person. So he is backing away from me. Which is fine, he has to do whatever he needs to do. I am more worried about him. And I really think that he needs to be firm with her, and maybe even press charges against her. But I don't think he will, because he will worry about how it will effect his kids. He did tell me he was trying to get her help. And if she happens to see me talking to him? Well, just let her start with me, I don't take sh**. And I am not the one she has to worry about anyway.

So I am kinda glad that now I don't have to make this decision, I know we will not be spending any time together in the near future. So it is time to take a deep breath and really plunge in and work on my M. He has to work on his problems, and he also has to develope some back bone, I mean I love him to pieces but come on, he's letting these 2 women walk all over him and manipulate him. (While I stand on the sidelines, just being here in case he needs me.) There is no reason why he has to accept meals or gifts from OW, (since he keeps saying he is not ready for an R, then why encourage her?),there is no reason why he has to accept being stalked by his W. So I will remain his friend, and squash the desire I have, and refuse to get caught up with him. I will not contact him, I can't anyway, his W destroyed his cell phone. So that makes it easier, and eventually I know, if I remain distant, these feelings I have for him will fade.

Hmmm, I wonder if he will cave and move back in with W?

itty

Avatar for imopus
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 11:50am
wow mm sounds like he's got himself in deep... i'm just glad he's not dragging you down with him... i think it's best to just sit back and wait it out... sounds like MM has a lot of baggage he's dragging around with him W and OW... i think it's the right decision to step back and work on you M and just give MM the friendship when he need/asks for it... IMHO

and about running back to wifey well there's a lot of history and kids... so it wouldn't surprise me but i think he's a fool if he does... letting her gain control over him would be a mistake...

opus

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 1:59pm
Hi Itty,

I think staying clear while he sorts it all

out is very wise. I'm glad you are safe.

I doubt it will work out with W, the way she is

acting. It is not behavior that would endear

her to me! She obviously is feeling very

threatened.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:04pm
He might very well cave in and move back in with his W. I don't think you need to worry about this man anymore. If he chose to be abused by his wife, then so be it. He needs to get a backbone and stand up for himself. Meanwhile, I don't think you should put your life or marriage on hold for him. Keep going at your marriage and see where you find yourself some three months from today, then take it from there. Good Luck!


Edited 7/29/2003 3:05:59 PM ET by i_another_lurker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 4:39pm
I agree w/the others, Itty. Go on with your own life. And anyway, if you *were* going to make major life changes for a man, wouldn't you want him to be a man to stand up for those changes, and not run back to wifey because she's nagging him?

Her behavior sounds like a psycho bully and he would do well to be rid of her. But it doesn't look like he knows how. Until he figures that out, he will not be able to give you what you need anyway. Sounds like you have better chances w/H, who may not always be prince charming but sounds like he has a stronger spine.

Good luck and keep us posted!

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 10:40pm
All afternoon I thought about this, and it is as if all of you had the same thoughts as me, he does need to stand up to her, and tell her to back off. And I am backing away from him. He did pop in quick to see me, said he just wanted to say HI, and that he couldn't stay because he was bad. Whatever that means, I think there is alot more going on than he says. So, I am staying put, because after all, why should I mess up my life, and cause myself more grief? I am kinda glad all this happened, not that I want to see him hurt, but now I can move forward with my life without cluttering it up with him. I think I will still have longings for him, (I know I will) but this makes it a whole hell of alot easier for me. And then I thought, what if I had left my H, and he ended up with this OW, where would I have been then? And besides H does have alot more backbone, and I need a man who stands up for himself, and who will stand up for me too!!

Thank you my friends,

Hugs,

Itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 12:20am
Itty,

Great insights. Good for you!

(hugs)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 6:44am
Hey Desert,

Guess I am finally learning the lessons I should have learned long ago.

(((((Hugs))))

itty