How do you get away with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
How do you get away with it?
13
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 10:40am
OK. I'm pretty sure I can't stop this from happening. I've just been so lonely for so long. Just having someone actually LISTEN to me is SO appealing. Now my question is how does this happen without my husband finding out? Any advice? I feel so bad trying to be sneaky. How do you carry on with someone else without your spouce finding out?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 10:55am
secret, if you decide to go forward, please be very careful. no public places and no home phone calls. if you have cellphone and can control the billing, have it sent to your place of employment instead of home. you can be working late or shopping with a girlfriend. tell the girlfriend you will be out with her and not to call your house for that certain timeframe. if you can tell her what's going on, do. if not, just ask her to not ask questions and just not call your house when you let her know you won't be there. maybe your lunch hour. there was a thread on here early about this topic.

just be careful and don't think for one minute that your H won't check up on you or go through your belongings/purse. i thought my BF would respect my privacy, but he dug around until he found an old diary with only 8 entries that i thought i'd thrown out, but was buried under old papers in the back of a closet.

good luck, honey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 11:06am
Thanks so much. I can't tell you how much this means to me to actually find supoprt like this. I really thought for a long time that my life was over. Now I'm actually happy for the first time in years. there's been so many nights that I have cried myself to sleep out of pure loneliness with my husband laying right next to me. But I can't leave this man because I have a have a child that he is devoted to. He's a great dad but a loveless husband. Thanks again. I feel like I'm 16 again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 11:08am
For me, the key is keeping things good at home with my DH. Be happy at home, be loving, cuddle, have sex, talk about our future -- all things that I enjoy doing with him anyway!

By keeping the DH happy, I believe he is less likely to be suspicious or worry. I have always had guy friends, too. I usually am pretty honest about where I'm going, though I leave out details -- ex: me and the gang are going out for drinks after work (I just leave out that MM and I managed to hook up later on for *dessert*) Socializing with my MM and his DW also keeps my own DH from thinking anything's up.

However, my situation is probably very unique. I know my MM has to be far more careful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 11:21am
Secret, the best advice I can give is to not change your normal routine at home. If you go out every once in a while, continue doing that. Don't just start going out every night all of a sudden. This will cause a red flag to your H. Also your sex life with your H cannot change either. All personal appearance changes must be subtle and gradually eased into. You have to communicate your desire for these changes before you actually get that new hairdo or spend $300 in Victoria Secret. Your H has to honestly feel that you are doing this for him.

Another point of advice is to do most of your phone communication at work. That way there are no phone records and if you call his cell, or he calles your cell, that can easily be played off as a business call. BUT, the work # cannot come up often on your cell phone bill either, or H gets another red flag.

Basically you are living a double life. You have to learn not to let one relationship affect the other. If you truly want to go through with the EMA, you have to plan for everything. You have to know in advance answers to questions your H might ask about your whereabouts.

I don't think anyone on the message board will say having an EMA is easy work. Most would probably say that it is easier not to have one, but if your and your OM/MM feelings are genuine, then it is definitely worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 12:34pm
oh secret, if you are that unhappy, please find a therapist to help you understand why you would stay in a loveless, unhappy M even if there's a child involved. i felt the exact same way after 16 years of M and 3 children, and i left. i felt like i would have a nervous breakdown if i didn't go. i had nothing but our clothes and two beds, but we made it, the kids grew up healthy and happy and i've NEVER, EVER looked back.

distract yourself all you can, but still you have to go home to your H. make your life and your child's life happy.

take good care of you,

Gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 12:46pm
i agree with you, emmy, about with keeping your H (or in my case BF) happy at home. have even advised my MM to do that with his DW. and we four are social almost every weekend so i know all that's going on with MM and DW.

but when the EMA gets emotional, someone is bound to notice the glances, extra touches, smiles, whatever. that's what happened with my A and that started my BF thinking. he and i were having many, many problems and i was withdrawing from him. i wanted him to leave (it's my house) and end the R. when he confronted me about his suspicions about my actions around MM, i denied it totally and told him that his selfish behavior (personally and financially) were driving me away, not another man, which was and is true. BF is trying to change and is much more attentive and loving.

so back to your original point, yes, i keep him happy at home and he has settled down with his suspicions about the A.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 2:01pm
GURL --

WOW, sounds like we have someting in common! DH and I socialize with my MM and his DW too! So I tend to know everything that's going on with them. However, MM and DW have a LOT Of problems and issues in their marriage. Even without the EMA, I seriously doubt that they will survive as a couple (none of us have kids, so that helps keep it less complicated and easier to manuver around).

My problems with my own DH are completely independent and separate from my EMA -- that may be hard for some people to understand, but I believe it to be the truth. I'm actually very happy with my marriage -- but there's always room for improvement.

Emmy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 2:24pm
hey emmy --

i'm not married but with BF for 10+ years. our kids are grown. i was married for 16+ years and left the M because we drifted so far apart over the years there was nothing to fix. i just couldn't love him anymore -- no matter how much money there was or how many children we had!

have had several Rs since my D and this one was good until i finally decided i didn't like the selfishness (traveling w/o me whenever he felt like it, not helping financially except bare living expenses, separated for 24 years!!), and many other smaller issues. i decided to end the R even though it meant losing my entire life (except my girlfriends, thank goodness). but BF stepped up and after a long, long weekend of airing all issues, he has filed for divorce, finances are flowing, traveling with me, etc.

on the other hand, A with MM started simply as a sexual outlet for both of us (his DW had medical problems and not interested in sex, my BF was away and/or remote and not interested), and we were soooo attracted for years before actual action occurred. they have no children. i thought that once DW's medical problems were solved, they would get back on track and MM and i would be over. i was prepared for that outcome. however, 18 months went by and MM started asking for more time together, overnights, lunches, etc. i was surprised but went with it. after the first overnight, i was depressed for days because of so much contact and talking. found myself really falling for MM. and he says the same about me. we have not said the L word directly to each other. but that's only a matter of time. MM and i are connected all over the place and i just cannot imagine not having him in my life. and once again, he says the same thing about me! our social lives are completely intertwined. his DW and i are planning his b-day party for friday!

in my life, i do love two men. not equally, but i do. am i one of the confused people? nope. i know what i'm doing and i'm keeping all of it afloat. everyone is happy and that's the way it will stay.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 2:43pm
Secret,

You are getting good advice. I don't think it

is possible for one to have an A without the spouse

knowing something is afoot. You have already aluded

to the giddy, happy feelings you get. If you go thru

with it, they will become a whole lot stronger. Esp.

after the long dry spell you have been in.

Your problems break down into several areas.

Your comings and goings need to remain normal. You

need some place to be alone and not discovered,

someplace you both feel secure. Cars are a natural,

but beware of parking lot cameras. Vans are better.

Beware of other traffic. Be sure to clean up after

yourselves, watch out for items dropped from pockets.

You can rent a hotel room with a credit card and yet

pay cash at checkout to avoid it appearing on your

statement. At work is pretty risky, there are

security cameras everywhere these days, some so

small you can't see them.

Communication is a problem. Most companies monitor

email. Some monitor calls. Telephone #'s appear on

cell phone statements. A simple calling card can

shield your end of the call. It appears as a

California # with the card I have. Beware of old

email, it can stay in your computer and be

recovered. If your H is computer savy, there are

programs that will watch your every keystroke and

log them to a file for him to later inspect. A free

hotmail account for each of you is a good way to

avoid some of the dangers of emailing each other,

but is not foolproof. You may wish to use a public

computer at a cyber cafe to avoid problems with the

home or work computer.

The looks and touches will be difficult to avoid

once you go through with it and the feelings get

much stronger.

There are other problems too, but this is a start.

All of these things can be delt with, but it takes

care and a good measure of luck. Having an A is

really quite a bit of work.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:50pm
I think each EMA has different quirks to it as far as what precautions need to be taken to keep it undetected. Unfortunately, I think in most cases our husbands/wives suspect something is going on and in all reality that breaks my heart. Therefore, I have made it my #1 goal to not be found out. I couldn?t bear knowing the pain this would cause my DH or my OM's fiancé...hurting them is not our intention. Some may ask "why the hell do you do it then" and I'd have to answer that "because we're smart and we can!"

When I started this EMA I made some personal rules to follow.

1) I never lie so I can see my OM...I never say I?m going shopping and just go see him...I?m sure to go shopping somewhere within the time frame that I'm gone. I then have something to bring home and it generally just makes me feel better about the situation.

2) I never risk raising questions with DH in order to see OM. For instance, if I don?t have a reasonable excuse where I?m going and time to go there and see OM, I don?t go at all.

3) I always am certain there's not things I can't explain immediately if questioned...if my car is seen at a hotel or in a parking lot I have an immediate excuse ready to roll if asked and a friend who will back it up for me if need be.

4) I vowed to never put OM before any obligations involving my DH or my family and friends. If I have plans, I will not break them to see him - that raises suspicions.

5) I don?t write anything down or keep ANYTHING that is incriminating...receipts, gifts, emails, telephone numbers...it all gets destroyed unless I can explain it undoubtedly...I never just toss hotel receipts, I shred them and have burned them. I try not to even give my real name when I check in and always give a fake phone number and transpose numbers in my address or give a false PO Box...what if you leave something in the hotel room and they call to return it to you? THINK THINK THINK, have it ALL figured out...

6) I have and will never go overnight. My situation doesn?t allow this opportunity normally anyways, but even if it did I wouldn?t. I was suppose to one weekend and DH wasn?t suppose to be home until Sunday and he showed up Friday night/Saturday morning at 2 am to surprise me...you just never know FOR SURE!!!! I was suppose to spend Saturday night in a hotel room with OM and Friday night at midnight he was supposed to meet me in my front yard for a lil woodland adventure - someone was watching over us that night, something came up and he couldn?t make it...damn the luck

All in all, there are a ton of rules and you must make them and follow them but bottom line get rid of anything that can nail you to the wall, phone bills, receipts, letters, email, cards...know where to find the delete button and use it! Don?t let your emotions get in the way of your intelligence! And when all else fails...DENY, DENY, DENY!!!!As long as you dont give them a way to prove it all is well...

One final note, someone said your routine cant change and they couldn?t be more right. If you start staying out late, going out a lot, dressing differently, caring for yourself differently, increase/decrease your intimate time with your mate questions will raise quicker than Sh!%! Once questions are raised most spouses won?t just ask if you're messing around, they will become sneaky and check up on you and that's when you get BUSTED! The normal spouse doesn?t look at the detail on phone bills but give him/her a reason to and they will!

Good luck everyone!

Liberal

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