A real possibility of his divorce??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
A real possibility of his divorce??
13
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 11:24am
Hi everybody!!

I have never been married, but the man I am seeing is.

I told him that I needed him to take the next step -divorce- because I was no longer content with our actual situation.

But he finds this task way to difficult. I understand this because he has been married for 25 years.

I would like to ask you if you think there is a real chance to get out of such long marriage. Mysecretsout is in a similar case and she thinks that there are so little chances of it.

Do you think there is A REAL chance?? Have you ever known A REAL case?

Do you think there is a chance that he could be saying this in order to keep both options?

I am deeply confused!!!!!!

Thanx a lot

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Avatar for imopus
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 11:57am
i think it depends on the guy and the situation... but you have given him an ultimatium. his actions after this will tell you something about his seriousness... in answer to your question is it possible after 25 year to divorce... Yes! but i think it doesn't happen very often. a divorce does take time but if he doesn't take the step... ie seeing a lawyer, filing etc... i wouldn't put too much hope in it... he may be stringing you along... i hope not but i have to be honest... maybe some of the other ladies will have better advice...

opus

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 12:03pm
It happens, but very rarely. I'm trying to end a 17 yr marriage, but even I'm waiting on a few things to take place. I know how seriously I intend to do this, but I'm sure to my OM, it must look like I'm bsing or stalling or something. Luckily he doesn't care too much if I stay married or if I leave, because we're not talking forever after for ourselves. I'm leaving for me and my sanity, not to be with OM. I certainly hope that, after time, we're still together and we'd be able to consider a future, but he's not why I'm leaving my M. And that's the way it needs to be for your MM. Unless you two have that one in a million relationships, he MUST end a marriage thinking only of his reasons, he can't be ending it for you or any other person.

So no, I don't think it's real likely. Wish I could be more positive for you.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 5:11pm
Well, your question has two sides.

Can he get out of his M? Of course he can. If he wants to.

WILL he get out of his M? Only if he wants to.

Have I known people who have D after a lengthy M? Yes. One couple I am close to got a D after 35 years! So it happens, if one or both parties want it to. Motivation is key here. Your MM sounds scared and not all that motivated. Because the fear of the unknown is scarier than the fear of the known... his life at home may not be all that great, but after 25yrs he has THAT routine down pat. You are an unknown, and as you've previously posted, the ramifications go beyond your R and into your work and community. That probably weighs pretty heavily on him.

Good luck to you. You've drawn your line. Think about what you plan to do if he won't cross it.

take care,

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 7:12pm
If he has told you he will not, can not, won't then darling up to you to stay in a constant A...have been ther for 2 and a half years yet mine says he will leave just do not know when...Mine I know is just putting things off, but have gave myself the fifth and final deadline, as time goes by, life goes way to fast, we love, we love, we love, and then the vacations start, the holidays, the christmas alone, the new years alone, and all you become is a voice on the phone, yes he loves you, yes he cares, but he drowning and you saved him, you are his breath f fresh air, his life line to a real love,, but how long do you hold on to no hope, no dreams,, to accept to be second best, that is what you become can you???? if you anwer no,, then darling hold your head up high and walk away, and when you find that strenght , tell me please where it came from, for to love and to walk away hurts more than to walk away from something you just do not love, we never look for the strenght to hold on, it is the strenght to let him or her go,, that is so hard to find, cause love blinds us, but if he offers no hope, walk and life, love and happiness is always right around the corner, sometimes you must close one door , so you may open the next..

Good Luck, my heart is with you

always waiting, such patience I have

Ladyinwaiting40

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 9:08pm
HI,

I don't look at myself as 2nd best. I mean yeah she gets to sleep next to him and do a lot that I don't get to do with my MM, but I've seen him with her, and he tells me when they're not getting along, and I just don't think my MM can act that well, to be passionate with me, and give me all his free time. Theres just so much that he does to me and for me that I just can't even believe he's this way with her, there m is so routine, and almost like a business deal that theres no intamacy and no love... Of course I only see his side, and what he tells me, and I've even told him when he's the one who's wrong during their disagreements. Of course we've been in this EMA for 18 months and we've worked through a lot, but I gave him "the ultimatum" a few weeks ago, and he didn't take it very well, Now we've recompromised our R and so far so good, neither one of us is expecting anything other then what we have and we're appreciating this for what it is. I want to be the positive in his life, and I want to be the center of his romantic life, and if things fall into place and we both leave our M (not for each other but for ourself) then we'll be together. I'll tell you one thing, I'll never give him an ultimatum again, I don't want him to leave because I forced him, then he'll regret it and resent me. He'll leave when and if he's ready, and if I'm still around, we'll be together. My life is my own, and I chose what I deal with and how... even if it hurts.

And plus to look at this like I"m 2nd best would totally make me feel used, and unwanted.

My MM has been m for 23 years, has 2 young boys and says his only hang up is his boys. I believe him, He's had a few A's on his W and hasn't been happy for 6 years with her. He doesn't have the B*lls to leave (LOL) but I know things won't get better with his W, atleast not as long as he has me to compare her with, cuz I'll never be like her.

My mom and dad we're married for 20 years and got d. It happens, it can happen, think positively.

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 9:14pm
Hannah, I wish I knew the answer, but I am in the same boat as lady waiting. The MM I am in a relationship has told me he will leave and D, but its been a year now and I am still waiting.I will beleive it when I see it. I am also single.

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 2:50pm
Hi all

First of all I wanna thank you people for your support: imopus, luckyme814,lilys_lyric, ladyinwaiting40, lexylew and hope4meyet

Yesterday I put an end to this. I am waiting for his reaction…

I have mix feelings, but I think this is the best for both

Thanx again…

PS I still do not complete realise of what has happened…

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 5:43pm
Hi, this is so hard. I'm in the same boat. I know the right thing to do is just pull back, allow him to go into his "cave", and NOT contact him. This is like fasting from all food, holding your breath. Very, very difficult but necessary. I remember once a long time ago, I wanted to go out with a guy but was too shy... I waited TWO YEARS before asking him out, when I finally did he was there to pick me up that night! Guys remember us, believe me. If we "cut them off", play hard to get, they are all the more eager to have us. Stupid but true! We ladies aren't like this and find it almost impossible to be aloof, but I just know it works. I haven't contacted my MM in a week, he wants to get his divorce finished before we get together. He's proposed, we're deeply in love, but his wife is stalling the divorce and is vindictive. He's afraid she'll find out about me and make things MUCH worse. He's been separated, by 8000 miles, almost a year. So I have to wait, maybe 6 months to a year, but this guy is so worth it. I feel like sh.. but true love doesn't come easy... hang in there, hang back, let him work out his issues and he'll be back... Love and Hugs, Annie
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 6:21pm
Hanna: Oops! I hadn't read all of this thread, so I missed your post saying that you had ended things with MM...Just in case you reverse, I'll leave my original post as is...

Hi Hanna,

If I remember from your earlier post, you are young and are already doing a postdoc. I assume you are a very intelligent woman and have worked hard to get where you are so quickly. Congrats! But have you branched out of academic life at all? Personally, I get very tired of the academic life--it's good too get out, go to bars, dancing, hiking, etc. For some reason, I have trouble picturing MM enjoying those kinds of activities with you. Do you socialize with ppl your age, who are at the same point that you are at?

Remember, you and MM are not at the same point in life. He is 50, you are what -- late 20s/early 30s? You may want a family one day, you may not. You may want to get married one day, he may not want to remarry...and, yes, you may meet someone else...but you won't if you don't try...

I know you love MM, but if you are not comfortable/happy being the OW, then you should walk away. Chances are, he will not leave his W just so he can date you openly...

IF and when he does D, then you maybe you could make a future together, but do you really want to wait that one out?

Not trying to be harsh here, but IMHO, you aren't going to be happy until you know for certain that you have MM 100% or not at all. You've told him what you need, and he has told you he can't meet those needs. As hard as it may be, I suggest you get out and enjoy yourself...

Good luck, sweetie!

Alameda








Edited 7/31/2003 6:24:53 PM ET by alameda78

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 11:20pm
Hi Annie

It's so cool that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel... I'm glad for you! Since MM cancelled on me today, I'm irritated but your post is just what I needed to read right now.. I need to hang back and let him come to me... it's hard but I know he will.. He always does.

hugsssssss

thanks again

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