Is this an emotional A or ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Is this an emotional A or ?
4
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 12:32pm
Where do I start? I guess I never thought I'd find myself on this board. I'm 26 M to a wonderful man and father, who I love with all my heart. I don't think I could ever imagine life without him. The problem: I've been going through a really weird faze lately. I am much more outgoing and flirtatious, I've been buying new clothes, I've totally changed my hair, started wearing makeup again, dressing kinda sexy etc. And suddenly instead of spending my the majority of my time at home I want to go out. I work full time and have 3 kids, prior to this change to the new me I used to spend all of my free time at home, I would go out maybe twice a year and I was ok with that. Suddenly I want to be alive, and my husband who is more then happy to spend all of his time at home is freaking out. He's always been a little insecure, I always reassure him that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But lately he's been trying harder then ever(over-attentive) and being extremely insecure (accusing me of cheating constantly) I suddenly feel like I'm being suffocated. If I wasn't so young I'd think I was going through a midlife crisis. I don't want to lose my husband. But I don't want to try to be something I'm not.

Ok here's where it gets confusing...there's a man I work with and omg, It's almost indescribable. It's really scares the both of us. So far there has been no i/c. We IM eachother all day, talk about our lives, relationships, our kids, our hobbies, our insecurities, our problems, our dreams and our fantasies. Things heat up no matter what we talk about. We spend what seems like hours staring into each other eyes. It's like there is no need for words. And whenever we see eachother we have huge smiles on our faces. It's the most wonderful feeling. And yet the worse feeling always follows because we know that we can not have eachother. He's told me that he doesn't want me or his children to go through the pain a double D and would cause and he knows that he couldn't share me. So now here we are. At a cross roads and we can't move forward and we can't move back. So do we just stay where we are? Can we? If anyone else has ever been in this sit. before please please any advice would be really appreciated. Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 12:41pm
haley577 ~ run, don't walk from this situation. Its not going to take you anywhere in particular, only on roundabout rollercoaster rides. LOL. Not what you wanted to here, but you asked for it. ;) Yogachick might have something insightful and indepth to say on your situation, if you stick around. She is our in-house therapist/psychologist.


Edited 7/29/2003 12:41:56 PM ET by i_another_lurker
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 1:02pm
Hi haley,

It sounds like you are relatively happy with your M. You and I are about the same age, and I have been with my B/F for 8 years. And I can relate to your desire to get out and do things...and B/F and I have gotten in many fights over doing new things.

But believe me, if I knew then what I know now, I would have done things a LOT differently. Here is my advice to you:

Work on your M. Tell your H how you feel. Tell him you don't know what is going on in your mind/body, but that you feel trapped--maybe it's the house, maybe it's the routine, the kids, etc.

The reasons aren't really important, what is important is how you deal with the confusing feelings...tell him that you need him to not only be a wonderful man, but ALSO a wonderful husband (note that you didn't mention that in your post)!

Try to get your H to react to you differently. You may have made a lot of changes, but have you been treating your H differently, too? Maybe you need to spice up your M--romance, sexy clothes, etc--seduce your H, and if he is still non-responsive...

If you can't *force* your H to go out, do things with you, make you feel special, make you feel wanted, then you guys should consider couples counseling. I haven't done it yet, but I plan too...maybe some of the ladies here can comment on it for you.

Good luck sweetie, and keep us posted,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 1:13pm
Hi, I have been in an emotional A for a year, and all I can tell you is that the longings get worse, get stronger as you go. This is a time for you to make choices. You can choose to pursue this OM, or you can walk away from OM and work on your M. Neither choice is easy. MY MM and I also have not pursued more than a friendship, even though it has gotten hot and heavy, (the flirtation). We are both m, he is actually separated, but I think his W still controls him. Because of circumstances in his life. (read my recent post) I am bowing out graciously, well trying to, and working on my M. My H and I are going to counseling, and it seems to be helping alot. I am alot older than you, but I have had the same longings, to dress sexy, act sexy, go out, and my H also is insecure. I have grown very attached to mm, he has been there for me and I for him, we are best friends, and I care deeply for him, this is why it hurts to let go. It is a hard path, whether you pursue the physical or not. Already I miss him.

hugs

itty

Avatar for imopus
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 1:14pm
hi haley~

i think life is a series of "mid-life crisises" only they don't always come at mid life... LOL! but seriously for what ever the reason you have made a change in the way you perseive yourself... you have changed you cloths, personality etc... it sounds like you have gained some self confidence with age and want to show the world that you think your a beautiful, attractive chick... and that's just awesome!

now as to the state of your relationships... i think you have to look at each one separately because that's what they are separate... first your R with H... i to know how difficult it is to have a H that you are constantly having to reassure... who has insecurities... it can ware you down... and that feeling of suffocation is really hard... but if you are honest about loving your H and not wanting to loose him you need to break your emotional connection to this other man and try to reconnect to your H... there is no other easy way...

but this said... i think there are things you can learn from your R with this other man... ask yourself what is the need that is missing with H that MM seems to fulfill... maybe this can help you reconnect with H... it is always exciting to get to know someone new... someone who you can share all that information about kids, hobbies, etc.... these are things that easily lead to forming a new relationship... but how much are you willing to risk to have this relationship... only you can decide that...

EMAs are very difficult... tread cautiously... i would never recommend it to my friends LOL! but if you do find yourself on this path know that this group of women (and a few men) will listen and offer support when you need it...

opus