Should you get your lover back - quiz
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| Tue, 07-29-2003 - 1:37pm |
I was going to be out of town on business, but it got pushed out, so I am back. I started reading an interesting book, “How to get your lover back”, by Blasé Harris, a practicing psychiatrist. It is basically a treatise on healthy and unhealthy love, emotions, and how to create healthy relationships. It interested me because I don’t think winning back a lover is possible, but I am open to persuasion. I am still in part 1, so we will see. I wanted to post in case anyone else was interested in this topic too.
I liked the quiz at the start of the book, and thought I would post that with the author’s analysis of each question. You might find it interesting to take the quiz, or at least to read his analysis. It is only his opinion, but he is a practicing psychiatrist, and his opinion has more weight behind it than mine.
The advice is pretty mainstream, but it is professional advice. I was thinking about those that have decided to work on their marriages. BTW, I have no “agenda”, I just thought the quiz was interesting. I believe I have seen several question topics posted here. It is food for thought.
Each question has three answers. Agree, Disagree, or not sure. I will omit these lines to save space and typing. You are to select the most appropriate response for each question. There are no “right” or “wrong” responses.
Should you get your lover back?
21 questions to think about before you decide what to do next.
1. I may be hurt and lonely since my lover left me but, still, I have to admit that basically I dislike the kind of person my ex-lover is.
2. I really want a monogamous, romantic relationship.
3. If I don’t get my lover back, I will kill myself.
4. I do my thing, he (she) does his (her) thing; and if that brings us together, it’s wonderful.
5. It’s OK for me to lie to my lover if I do so to avoid hurting him (her).
6. It’s OK for my lover to lie to me if he (she) does so to avoid hurting me.
7. I am willing to change myself in any manner that is necessary to get my lover back.
8. If my lover spends time on interests other than me, he (she) should at least keep me informed of all those interests.
9. Sometimes I think “If only I had dumped my lover first!”
10. I agree with Janis Joplin, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”
11. I am willing to forget my feelings so that I can love my lover 100 %.
12. If I didn’t need my lover, I wouldn’t try to get him (her) back. (“Need” in the sense of something essential to life, such as air, food, or water for example).
13. My lover and I used to have fun when we talked together.
14. I should be punished for destroying such a beautiful relationship.
15. My ex-lover and I talked openly and freely about sex.
16. If I could hurt my ex-lover’s new lover, I would.
17. I should be the center of my lover’s life.
18. If I don’t get my lover back, I’ll never fall in love again.
19. My ex-lover used to beat me. (In this question “not sure” means, “Well, he kind of pushed me around.” Or, “Yes, but I started it”.
20. If I could punish my lover, I would.
21. I will never know everything there is to know about my lover.
OK, now the analysis of each question.
1. I may be hurt and lonely since my lover left me but, still, I have to admit that basically I dislike the kind of person my ex-lover is.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
Without liking there is no “bond” in a love-bond. Beware of the rationalization that when your lover comes back to you, his (her) basic personality will change. Characteristics and traits may slowly change over time, emotional and intellectual potential may become actualized, but a person’s basic personality very rarely, if ever, changes. If you don’t like the basic personality of your lover, who are you in love with? A big part, if not the whole part, of “the who” is the personality. If your answer was maybe, then give yourself time to sort out your feelings. If you need to spend time with your ex-lover to do this, there is nothing wrong with that, but if you are going to go to the trouble of getting your lover back, make sure you like your lover.
2. I really want a monogamous, romantic relationship.
Agree = +1, Disagree = -1, Not Sure = 0.
Getting a lover back is not only a matter of bonding to a particular person, it is a lifestyle choice. In fact, the clearest reason for not getting a lover back is a preference for the single life.
3. If I don’t get my lover back, I will kill myself.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
To reach the point of suicide as an alternative to getting a lover back is to reach the extreme of pathological dependency, and even if a lover does come back, no love is possible. To say “I feel like killing myself,” is different from “I will kill myself,” and indicates less dependency and could be a metaphoric description of the grief one experiences at losing something valued. A yes answer (“I will kill myself”) is so negative that I considered weighing it down with additional negative points, but the person who answers yes here will gather enough negative points elsewhere to suggest, at the very least, a rethinking of priorities before any decision is made to get a lover back.
4. I do my thing, he (she) does his (her) thing; and if that brings us together, it’s wonderful.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
A yes to this question indicates a willingness to fall in love but not to be in love. If love has any substance at all, it means a commitment to someone else, and commitment goes beyond mere happenstance. It includes a willingness to work at building a love-bond.
5. It’s OK for me to lie to my lover if I do so to avoid hurting him (her).
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
The truth may be enjoyed or changed or come to terms with, and if you love someone, you may help her (him) do any one of these three things, but it is hardly loving someone to throw a veil of delusion over reality, even at his (her) own request. To lie because of fear of violence is justified, but the need to do so indicates a seriously flawed relationship that probably has little to do with a love-bond.
There are situations in which the truth may be implicitly known without being explicitly talked about. For example, suppose you had an affair with someone else last summer and you know your lover knows it, or suspects it, but both of you diplomatically avoid talking about it. However, even here the ability to openly discuss the issue would be the mark of a truly strong love-bond.
6. It’s OK for my lover to lie to me if he (she) does so to avoid hurting me.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
The more someone loves you, the less likely they are to assist you in avoiding reality, even if reality hurts. If you answered “Disagree” to this question but “Agree” to question 5, then shame on you for applying one standard to yourself and another to your lover – you should score this question 0.
7. I am willing to change myself in any manner that is necessary to get my lover back.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
A willingness to change oneself “in any manner” indicates a profound disrespect for oneself and is the psychological equivalent of suicide.
8. If my lover spends time on interests other than me, he (she) should at least keep me informed of all those interests.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
The need to be kept informed may be an indication of an unhealthy dependence and/or lack of trust. In a loving relationship, information is spontaneously shared, and there need not be an accounting of ALL interests.
9. Sometimes I think “If only I had dumped my lover first!”
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
Agreeing to this remark suggests a desire to soothe a wounded ego or even a desire for revenge, neither of which are compatible with a genuine desire to get a lover back.
10. I agree with Janis Joplin, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
Janis Joplin’s song, written by Kris Kristofferson, refers to the “freedom” that results from the breakup of a relationship. One is then free to do something else – pursue another relationship, try the single’s life, or try to get a lover back. To say that there is “Nothing left to loose” goes beyond the natural grief that often comes with a breakup, and indicates excessive dependency and a low sense of self-worth.
11. I am willing to forget my feelings so that I can love my lover 100 %.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
If a love-bond is to be strong and stable, it is necessary to give priority to love rather than “feelings”; however, it would be very unhealthy to forget your feelings (e.g. anger, sadness, desire). To attempt to do so leads to frustration and resentment. The subconscious does not forget feelings.
12. If I didn’t need my lover, I wouldn’t try to get him (her) back. (“Need” in the sense of something essential to life, such as air, food, or water for example).
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
If without need, there is no desire to get a lover back, then need (dependency), not love, is all there is.
13. My lover and I used to have fun when we talked together.
Agree = +1, Disagree = -1, Not Sure = 0
A lot has been written in romantic fiction and elsewhere, about intense passionate moments, but what consolidates a love-bond are pleasant times shared together, the more the better. An essential ingredient of pleasant times is the ability simply to enjoy one another’s conversation. Without that, no amount of passion can sustain a relationship.
14. I should be punished for destroying such a beautiful relationship.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
The belief that one needs to be punished is very destructive. Such a belief becomes a prime directive within the subconscious, so that even without being fully aware, one acts to fulfill the directive. Getting a lover back then becomes more than one deserves and therefore unlikely. Even if you have destroyed a beautiful relationship, the guilt you may feel should serve as an alarm, not a call for punishment. There is nothing to be gained by beating up on yourself.
15. My ex-lover and I talked openly and freely about sex.
Agree = +1 or +2, Disagree = -1, Not Sure = 0
More important than whether or not you believe you and you lover have a good sex life is open and free communication on the subject of sex. Most American couples still have difficulty talking about sex, even in the privacy of their own bedrooms. No matter how good the sex may be – and without plenty of communication it may not be as good as you think – it can be greatly improved by talking about it. Good sex is good communication made physical. If, in addition to good communication, you and your ex-lover were compatible with one another when naked in a lighted room, then score this question +2.
16. If I could hurt my ex-lover’s new lover, I would.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
The desire to hurt an ex-lover’s new lover reflects a lack of self-confidence and, in fact, indicates that one believes the competition is a better lover. Part of loving is accepting the fundamental principle that the person you love has the right to choose who he or she will love. There is no point in blaming “the competition”.
17. I should be the center of my lover’s life.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
Your lover should be the center of their own life, and the more they are, the more effective is their capacity to love others, including you. Another way of saying this is that a person must love himself before he can love others. If you are in a romantic love-bond with someone, then you are a very important part of that someone’s life, but, in a healthy relationship, you are neither the only part nor the center. To demand that you be so is to insist on psychological dependency, which is hardly a loving thing for you to do.
18. If I don’t get my lover back, I’ll never fall in love again.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
Most people who experience a permanent breakup end up in another relationship. That is because individuals tend to have orientations to particular lifestyles. A person is unlikely to enjoy a happy life in any love-bond if the couple’s life is not already his or her preferred lifestyle.
Sometimes the reason a love relationship doesn’t work out is that a person with an orientation to a single’s lifestyle is trying to force himself into that of the couple. Some people are happier as singles but get caught up in the passion of the moment and try to force a love to work. When their love inevitably fails, naturally they say, and really mean, that they will never fall in love again.
19 My ex-lover used to beat me. (In this question “not sure” means, “Well, he kind of pushed me around.” Or, “Yes, but I started it”.
Agree = -2, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = -1
If “used to beat” means you were beaten until your lover left you, then you can expect more beatings when you get your lover back, unless you are very careful to set limits – including taking legal action if necessary. Even then, it’s difficult enough to make a relationship work without getting involved with someone who has demonstrated a profound impairment in their ability to love. Such an impairment does not go away simply because there has been an apology or pleasant intervening moments. You must be very careful to make sure that in some way you are not deliberately seeking out problem relationships; bear in mind that most people claim they aren’t deliberately looking for problems even if every romance they’ve ever been in has involved an impaired lover.
If beatings occurred, but really do belong in the past, you must be careful to make sure that some other form of abuse has not taken their place. Remember, you are loving no one, neither yourself nor your lover, by tolerating abuse.
Being pushed around may not be as bad as getting punched, but it is a gross form of disrespect and, if tolerated, could be a prelude to more severe forms of disrespect. “Yes, but I started it” may mean that both you and your partner have given priority to anger over love, but it is also a phrase used by those who do not want to admit that their lover is not loving them.
20. If I could punish my lover, I would.
Agree = -1, Disagree = +1, Not Sure = 0
Anger is a natural enough response to being rejected by a lover, but giving priority to anger, which is what one does by wishing to punish a lover, will make for a very unhealthy and unstable love-bond.
21. I will never know everything there is to know about my lover.
Agree = +1, Disagree = -1, Not Sure = 0
People who love and are loved continue to discover hidden potentials in themselves and in those whom they love. The belief that you know everything there is to know about your lover closes down the possibility of the ongoing mutual discovery process that is an essential quality of successful loving.
Evaluating the results:
This test is meant to be a general guide to help determine whether or not you should attempt to get your lover back. The closer to +22, the more you ought to consider, and the more you are likely to succeed at, getting your lover back. If your score is closer to -22, then not only is there less chance of success but if, against the odds, you do get your lover back, even success is not likely to be a happy event. Scores hovering closer to 0 may indicate confused feelings and/or beliefs, not an uncommon state of affairs in someone who has been rejected by a lover. Think about the questions, read the book, come back and think about responses again. Perhaps your answers will change. That’s OK. This is an “open book” test. Whatever your score, you must decide what you do next.

but i took the quiz based on my present Rs with BF and MM and came up with 19. apparently i'm good in a R except i want to be the center of the universe and know where they spend time and interests away from me!
thanks again,
gurl
This was quite an interesting quiz, and I scored high, close to 22, I answered the questions based on my EMA with my exSM. However I wonder what I would have scored a year and a half ago if I would have taken the quiz then. It took me a long time to "get over" him, but I really think that if I would have truly loved him then I would still be missing him. I think that I truly "believed" that I loved him, but now I have a tendency to think that he was more of an escape, a safety net for me. This quiz gave me alot of insight.
Also, I don't believe that once a R is over you can regain what you once had, that it will never be the same that it was. And if someone is "stuck" in the past, longing for something they don't have anymore, they need to learn to go forward. I think it is a matter of perspective...as for myself I am glad I had the experience of knowing my exSM, he was a wonderful lover, a great conversationalist, and had a alot of good qualities, but I am also glad that I have moved forward...there is so much life to live, so many people to meet, things to do, places to see...I would rather think of my glass as "half full" than "half empty".
Thanks,
itty >>>>>>>>>>>>>moving forward
That is a fabulous quiz! I think that it hits the nail on the head in so many ways - it truly captures the feelings of so many women in EMAs. It also seems to capture the way the partner of a narcissist must feel. And there must be a correlation between being narcissistic and being in an EMA (a "narcissist" clinically speaking is not someone who loves themself too much but rather someone who believes that their frame of reference is the ONLY frame of reference and that their wants and needs ought to trump all others, including those of their partner, of society, etc.)
P.S. I didn't know you were a GUY!
Yeah, I liked the quiz too. But more importantly,
I liked his explanations of the questions. Many of
them were difficult to "read through", so an honest
answer gave me several insights. I didn't keep
score, I just did it for the self knowledge.
I will finish the book in a few days, we will see if
he persuades me that it is possible to turn around
lost love. I am a doubter, but in my heart I hope it
is possible. Like many, I still have a M in disrepair.
It is odd, offering suggestions to many people with my
own life in disarray. I feel "Physician, heal thyself".
Having been in many of these situations though, I can
certainly relate to what people feel. Maybe I should just
reserve my opinion on Marriages. I have gotten several
positive comments on my posts, I seem to be pretty good
at affairs. A dubious honor?
As far as being a guy, I told someone else that, in
the language of the disabled, I was vaginally challenged.
The name probably throws people off too, it is pretty
flowery. I was trying to find a login, and everything I
typed kept coming back with a numeric suffix. I didn't
want to be the 22nd anything, so I just kept entering
things off the top of my head, and that was what I got.
Stream of consiousness logins can be dangerous. It does
have significance for me, and one other person, but I
doubt she will ever see it.
I do like women. All right, I love them. Guilty as charged,
a repeat offender, and un-appologetic to boot. Better throw
away the key on this one.
keep up the great typing!
gurl
I guess I feel all knowledge is good, especially
in this area. If I waste some time and a few
bucks, so be it.