Please help! New to board & situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Please help! New to board & situation
20
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:07pm
I've been happily dating my BF for 2 years, and we've been planning on eventually getting married. I'm so confused because I met OM about a month ago, we instantly clicked and became great friends, and (even though we've tried not to!) we've been cuddling, kissing, and doing a little more than that for a few weeks. I'm struck by the intense attraction and increasing affection I have for OM. Even though we haven't gone all the way, he is able to please me like no one has ever been able to please me before. It's amazing what he is able to make me do, but that's all I'll say about that! So all this makes the great sex BF and I have always had seem like...less. I know that if BF had not been in my life, OM and I would have instantly begun dating, as we are right for each other, too, in so many ways!

I love my BF more than anything and can't imagine being without him, but even before OM came along, I had been waiting for him to get his life together (indluding getting a job so that he could stop living off his trust fund) so that we could move forward. I sat him down last week and basically told him I don't know how much longer I can wait. He said he's terrified of losing me and that he wants to do whatever it takes to avoid losing me. I really think I lit a fire under him with that talk, but he's got so much work to do, and I'm beginning to think I need a break (NOT a clean break) from us. This is not all b/c of OM. But I don't know how much longer I can wait to go all the way with OM and couldn't live with myself if I were to do that with him while in a relationship with someone else. My gut feeling is that I belong with BF, and I don't want to lose him. I don't know how to approach taking a break at all. I want to do the right thing but don't know what that is! Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:24pm
hello angel and welcome to the board. you say in your post that you love your BF more than anything but are thinking about taking a break from the R. do it! sounds like you want to get on with your life, dating other men (or your OM!) and being happy. if you're not happy with the 2-year R, bag it and move on. if the OM is way on your wavelength, whether it's about marriage, kids, or just having fun, (as you say, he is right for you i so many ways!) then you should explore your options with him. you're not married and as far as i can tell, no children are in the picture, so move on girl! enjoy life and love the one you're with.

jmho,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:39pm
Thanks for your response. YES, a big part of me wants to do just that--to dive into a whirlwind experience with OM, but I've always considered my BF to be my soul mate. I feel that our R is worth working on if it's just a situational thing (his present lack of direction) that is causing me to have a few doubts. He, too, is so right for me in so many ways, and like I said my gut is telling me that we belong together. However, I feel a break is imminent (sp.?). I just don't know how to inititate a break. I've always initiated break-ups and am better at those. I cannot stress how wonderful he is and how I don't want to lose him for good. How does a break work? How do I do it? Do you know? I also feel that what OM and I have between us cannot be denied either and must be explored. That is another reason why I must look into a break. But I have to handle it delicately. Any advice on how best to do this?

Hugs,

Angelkat

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 4:58pm
Angel,

As I read your post, you want both guys. Normally

you don't want a break from your soul mate, but

you do.

Know that if you take a break from BF, it may never be

the same. Have you considered he might find someone

else while "on break"? How would this make you feel?

How would you deal with this?

If you are off making time with OM, would it be cool

for BF to do the same with someone else? How do you

really feel about him?

Your situation is a lot less complex than most of them

here. You have no kids, no M, and sound pretty young.

You could afford to screw this up, and still survive

quite well. So consider this a learning experience.

It sounds like you have gotten BF's attention. Your

opinion of him may improve if he makes the changes

you have asked him to make. Have you given him the time

to make them?

Be aware that you know BF a lot better than OM. There may

be some downsides to OM. You might also find OM an

even more perfect soul mate, I can't say. His sexual

technique sounds like it is a lot better. Could you teach

BF similar techniques? Could you be satisfied with sex

that was "adequate" and not "fantastic"? Careful with this

one.

If you want a break, then tell BF what is about to happen.

Whoever owns the house/apartment, the other should move out.

If you wish, negotiate a date to get back together and see

if anything survived the wreck. It is a big step, but you

will survive, even if you make a mistake. Life will just

be different than it would have been for you.

You need to make some decisions. You are in charge of this

life. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 8:07pm
Good answer, guy. Can I say, desert, just how much I like your posts!!!

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 9:08pm
Hi angelkat and welcome,

I think you have done the right thing by sitting b/f down and explaining things to him... but as desert said... you need to be able to give him time to change.

Sure... a break can be a great thing... but I think you will also need to explain to him what sort of break it is. Is it to find yourself... date other people... I know that's what you see it as... but what about him. Too many relationships fail under the understanding that the partner wanting the break... just wants a break and the other partner can not always deal with the fact after that there has been someone else involved... I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.

You could also use the break to work on the relationship with b/f... as long as he's understands the conditions and willing... you could also 'date' him as well... it's wonderful to start a relationship all over again... which is probably why the relationship with OM feels so good.

You do have many options that the rest of us dont... but the one thing that is similar... in all this you still have the risk to lose b/f... he may not be prepared to sit back and wait for you to decide and may find someone else in the meantime. If you are prepared to take that risk... then I would say go for it! find yourself and what you want before settling down.

Please let us know how things do go.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 12:40am
Lucky,

Thanks, I just call them as I see them, and try to

at least do no harm. Sometimes I even help.

(hug)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 9:15am
Oh Wow!! I know exactly what you are feeling and was in the exact same situation you are in, just last year!!! I have read other people's replies and they are in a combination right to a point. But I have been in this exact predicament and let me share with you what I have learned. Reading your message I get the sense that right now there is an intense physical attraction between you and other man. There is also your "Gut feeling" that you belong with BF. Listen to me though- You dont mention your age or BF's age, but you are not married, not engaged and if you really want to not hurt BF later on then you need to be selfish for yourself right now. I was going out with my Boyfriend for 2 1/2 years when I met a OM. I loved my BF to death, but there was a lacking sense of excitement which was once there. OM came along at the right time and we did fool around and I had to keep myself from going all the way with him, I was attracted to both and it was very confusing. One night OM and I are fooling around in his apartment and things got carried away and we end up sleeping together, once you do it once- it's easy to do it again and again. The sex was absolutely amazing, but after 6 months of carrying on this affair with OM I started to realize the sex was only really good because I hadn't had good sex in a while.I also learned that every body is good in bed in the beginning, the stuff this guy did to me was mind blowing- but after awhile of sleeping with him he was no different- stopped the foreplay, the spontanaiety, and it was all about him getting satisfied. Now that we had been doing the deed once or twice a week for six months, it wasn't about the sex anymore- I started to compare the OM to my BF and realized that the BF was the one I wanted to be with. I never would have realized that though if I didn't have the affair with OM, it actually helped our relationship. Of course my BF didn't know about it, and I would never tell him. I did break it off with the OM and he was OK with it, but he started to get attached to me but he soon realized I wasn't in love with him, it was just a sexual thing. I got engaged a short time after breaking it off, and now me and BF are happily married. And you know what? Are sex life is better than when we first met- that is something else I learned, you can have good sex with the same person the rest of your life without getting bored- but it takes the effort of two people. I learned that about myself and realized that our sex life going down hill was partly my fault also. What im saying is, worry about yourself first. If you break it off with BF so you can have sex with this other guy just to have a clear conscience, you are destroying any hope of ever having the same kind of relationship with your BF again.But if your relationship with BF is really as special as you say it is- can it really be turned on and off like a swith just by saying "We need a break"? Of course not, and the hurt and leftover feelings will continue which will only cloud your new relationship with OM, which will make OM resent you eventually too, that is no way to start a new relationship-jumping out of one bed to got another! So in your mind you may see it as a break, in reality it will be a permanent break, because even if you do get back together it will never be the same, and it will hurt him more which he will always resent you for. If you quit the other man cold turkey now, you are always gonna wonder "What if?", and if you marry BF you will resent him (BF) later on, as well. AngelKat, it's ok to be a little selfish right now, If i were you I would let your relationship with OM progress to intercourse, get it out of your system and see if after having sex with him for awhile you still are attracted to the intellectual side of him also or find out if it was just about sex. Right now I think it is more sexual tension for you, you have to remember there was probably a time that you felt the same tension with BF. You just met this guy and can't possibly know his faults yet, when people first meet someone they have a tendency to only show their good side- especially guys who want to sleep with you. What have you got to lose?? If you see this guy on the side and realize you are head over heels in love with him, you leave BF for him and end up happily married- will it really matter in 25-30 years?? No! But if you take a break from BF now, go see this other guy realize he doesn't compare to BF now and decide you want BF back you will end up with more hurt than you can imagine. Relationship with BF will never be the same, and he will always hold that over your head.And as other members said, what if BF meets someone else- then you end up with nothing!! If you are really meant to be with BF, you can look back on this 20 years from now as a learning experience. YOu only live once, and dont be afraid to be a little selfish. Just some advice from a girl that has been in your shoes and lives with no regrets. And please, if you want to email me privately please do so- I will be more than happy to into more detail with you and give you any advice and support you need. I know it is a tough situation, but good luck and follow your heart.

Danielle

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 11:32am
Thanks, everybody, for your support and advice. As I was reading each of your posts, many times I was thinking, "My thoughts EXACTLY!" You're right, I don't want to risk losing BF or risk things never being the same between us, but I am too involved right now with OM to want or even feel the need to walk away from OM. AND...this just in...what do you guys think of this latest development:

The news to me is just a few minutes old, and I have a huge lump in my throat and am fighting tears. I don't live with my BF but stayed over last night and just went to get on the computer to check my e-mail. He's out right now, and his account was open. I discovered that in the past month, he has joined 3 different internet porn sites. This means he has broken his promise to me that he made a long time ago.

Long story short: Last summer I accidentally discovered while on his computer that he was basically a porn addict. We're talking memberships to about five sites, an everage of about 5 hours each night spent on the sites, a collection of porn videos, etc. I was devastated, b/c I had no idea. He is the last person anyone--especially me--would have ever suspected as fitting that profile. It was just sick to me! So I confronted him, and he was terribly embarrassed and ashamed and admitted to knowing he had a problem but not knowing what to do about it. He said he'd developed the problem long before he met me, b/c he'd been single and lonely for about 2 1/2 years before we got together. So he said it had nothing to do with me. He promised to do whatever it took to quit, b/c he wanted to; it didn't make him feel good about himself when he engaged in it. I went to S-ANON a few times, he trashed his collection, cancelled memberships, gave me permission to check his internet history, email, and whatever I felt was necessary as often as I felt I needed to. He was great cold turkey for about 2 months and then had a minor relapse last August, followed by another in October. I confronted him again, and he's been fine ever since...until I uncovered the startling information in his e-mail account today. I checked his internet history, and it's totally clean. So I don't know how long this has been going on. Apparently, he's been covering his tracks, and I don't know how to check up on covered tracks. Does anyone out there know?

So this changes everything! He's acting out his addiction again, and I can't keep staying with him every time I find out that he's doing it again! Not only does that put my credibility at zero, but it diminishes hope that he'll ever be clean, so to speak. Last summer I read several books about sex addiction and was disturbed by some of the information about it, including that often, eventually the porn is all the addict wants and the sex life with the actual partner begins to suffer. I'm scared! I want to be with him, but I thought for sure this was WAY behind us! I have the biggest urge to just have the "break" conversation tonight, because I am so angry and feel that now, in addition to getting his life together, he's going to need time to deal with and do away with this problem for good if he truly wants to be with me. He once said he'd go to counseling if he had to, but that never came about. I didn't push it as hard as I could have. What do I do? As far as I know, he's not having cybersex or visiting chat rooms, but how do I really know! I cannot trust him! And now I can't even check up on him like I used to unless you guys know other ways to tap into the very guts of the computer (recycling bin, maybe? I don't know...) So how's this for a huge monkey wrench in the situation. I have all these conflicting emotions, and they're all very strong. One of them is, How upset with him can I really be at this point now that I'm doing what I'd consider to be even worse?! What should I do? Please help!

Oh, and by the way, I overlooked mentioning my age, and several of you were curious. I'm 26, my BF is 31, OM is 23, and there are no kids involved except for OM's 4 year old daughter who I have absolutely fallen in love with (he's a single dad & never been M), but that's not really a problem, now, is it? BTW, she's also crazy about me, which complicates things. Her dad has expained to her that we're just friends, though, and she never sees us doing anything, of course. Sorry for slipping into a tangent. Anyway, what should I do?!!

Thanks,

Angelkat

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 11:46am
Well, you already read my last reply and you know my thoughts on your original predicament. As far as the porn goes? To me, I have never seen that as a problem. I feel as if my BF/Husband, whatever' wants to look at some airbrushed super model with fake breasts then it is better than him touching or looking at the real thing. Guys love sex, it really is a harmless release for him and it really is just looking. You dont sound Naive, and im sure you know that when you go to the mall, a bar, wherever that if there is a girl who is just as sexy as the ones on his computer im sure he is fantasizing or looking as well, just like we do when we see a hot guy. Im not putting down your situation, but lets be realistic- he is just looking and you are doing the actual real thing! I know exactly how you feel though. It is very, very hard emotionally to break up with someone. As human beings with emotions such as guilt over riding rational decisions we tend to find reasons to justify hurting someone by breaking up with them. When we are tryng to break up with someone, we are trying to find the slightest imperfection or something the other did wrong and magnify it to justify in our hearts the breakup. Now, if you are truly bothered by his porn addiction that is all fine and good, but ask yourself something? If it wasn't for the situation and the OM- would this porn addiction bother you as much that you would consider breaking up with him? Just make sure your decisions are from the heart sweetie, and not from reaction- those are the ones you regret. Im still standing by, keep me updated and be strong.

Danielle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 12:08pm
sorry angel, i had to leave unexpectedly yesterday and cannot log on at home. this is my first opportunity to get back to you.

i'm a very patient type person and it takes a long time for me to get fed up with someone (BF especially) and when i do, watch out. i always go for the breakup, not a break. and the man always backs down and straightens out for a couple of months (at best!).

your BF is who he is. you can't control him or make him change. only he can do that. you have control over YOU. i didn't learn that bit until at least 40!! do what is best for you, angel. if you need time away from your BF, tell him gently but firmly. you are confused and unsure and need to think about what your future holds without him being around to drive you crazy. and for whatever your other delicate reason is. you are young and can do anything with your life. don't tie yourself down to one man unless you are sure he IS THE ONE! and if you're having desires for another, how can you be sure your BF is your "soulmate"?? think long and hard, girl! it's up to you.

good luck,

gurl

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