Please help! New to board & situation
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:07pm |
I love my BF more than anything and can't imagine being without him, but even before OM came along, I had been waiting for him to get his life together (indluding getting a job so that he could stop living off his trust fund) so that we could move forward. I sat him down last week and basically told him I don't know how much longer I can wait. He said he's terrified of losing me and that he wants to do whatever it takes to avoid losing me. I really think I lit a fire under him with that talk, but he's got so much work to do, and I'm beginning to think I need a break (NOT a clean break) from us. This is not all b/c of OM. But I don't know how much longer I can wait to go all the way with OM and couldn't live with myself if I were to do that with him while in a relationship with someone else. My gut feeling is that I belong with BF, and I don't want to lose him. I don't know how to approach taking a break at all. I want to do the right thing but don't know what that is! Please help!

Pages
jmho,
gurl
Hugs,
Angelkat
As I read your post, you want both guys. Normally
you don't want a break from your soul mate, but
you do.
Know that if you take a break from BF, it may never be
the same. Have you considered he might find someone
else while "on break"? How would this make you feel?
How would you deal with this?
If you are off making time with OM, would it be cool
for BF to do the same with someone else? How do you
really feel about him?
Your situation is a lot less complex than most of them
here. You have no kids, no M, and sound pretty young.
You could afford to screw this up, and still survive
quite well. So consider this a learning experience.
It sounds like you have gotten BF's attention. Your
opinion of him may improve if he makes the changes
you have asked him to make. Have you given him the time
to make them?
Be aware that you know BF a lot better than OM. There may
be some downsides to OM. You might also find OM an
even more perfect soul mate, I can't say. His sexual
technique sounds like it is a lot better. Could you teach
BF similar techniques? Could you be satisfied with sex
that was "adequate" and not "fantastic"? Careful with this
one.
If you want a break, then tell BF what is about to happen.
Whoever owns the house/apartment, the other should move out.
If you wish, negotiate a date to get back together and see
if anything survived the wreck. It is a big step, but you
will survive, even if you make a mistake. Life will just
be different than it would have been for you.
You need to make some decisions. You are in charge of this
life. Good luck.
Lucky
I think you have done the right thing by sitting b/f down and explaining things to him... but as desert said... you need to be able to give him time to change.
Sure... a break can be a great thing... but I think you will also need to explain to him what sort of break it is. Is it to find yourself... date other people... I know that's what you see it as... but what about him. Too many relationships fail under the understanding that the partner wanting the break... just wants a break and the other partner can not always deal with the fact after that there has been someone else involved... I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.
You could also use the break to work on the relationship with b/f... as long as he's understands the conditions and willing... you could also 'date' him as well... it's wonderful to start a relationship all over again... which is probably why the relationship with OM feels so good.
You do have many options that the rest of us dont... but the one thing that is similar... in all this you still have the risk to lose b/f... he may not be prepared to sit back and wait for you to decide and may find someone else in the meantime. If you are prepared to take that risk... then I would say go for it! find yourself and what you want before settling down.
Please let us know how things do go.
luv and hugs
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
Thanks, I just call them as I see them, and try to
at least do no harm. Sometimes I even help.
(hug)
Danielle
The news to me is just a few minutes old, and I have a huge lump in my throat and am fighting tears. I don't live with my BF but stayed over last night and just went to get on the computer to check my e-mail. He's out right now, and his account was open. I discovered that in the past month, he has joined 3 different internet porn sites. This means he has broken his promise to me that he made a long time ago.
Long story short: Last summer I accidentally discovered while on his computer that he was basically a porn addict. We're talking memberships to about five sites, an everage of about 5 hours each night spent on the sites, a collection of porn videos, etc. I was devastated, b/c I had no idea. He is the last person anyone--especially me--would have ever suspected as fitting that profile. It was just sick to me! So I confronted him, and he was terribly embarrassed and ashamed and admitted to knowing he had a problem but not knowing what to do about it. He said he'd developed the problem long before he met me, b/c he'd been single and lonely for about 2 1/2 years before we got together. So he said it had nothing to do with me. He promised to do whatever it took to quit, b/c he wanted to; it didn't make him feel good about himself when he engaged in it. I went to S-ANON a few times, he trashed his collection, cancelled memberships, gave me permission to check his internet history, email, and whatever I felt was necessary as often as I felt I needed to. He was great cold turkey for about 2 months and then had a minor relapse last August, followed by another in October. I confronted him again, and he's been fine ever since...until I uncovered the startling information in his e-mail account today. I checked his internet history, and it's totally clean. So I don't know how long this has been going on. Apparently, he's been covering his tracks, and I don't know how to check up on covered tracks. Does anyone out there know?
So this changes everything! He's acting out his addiction again, and I can't keep staying with him every time I find out that he's doing it again! Not only does that put my credibility at zero, but it diminishes hope that he'll ever be clean, so to speak. Last summer I read several books about sex addiction and was disturbed by some of the information about it, including that often, eventually the porn is all the addict wants and the sex life with the actual partner begins to suffer. I'm scared! I want to be with him, but I thought for sure this was WAY behind us! I have the biggest urge to just have the "break" conversation tonight, because I am so angry and feel that now, in addition to getting his life together, he's going to need time to deal with and do away with this problem for good if he truly wants to be with me. He once said he'd go to counseling if he had to, but that never came about. I didn't push it as hard as I could have. What do I do? As far as I know, he's not having cybersex or visiting chat rooms, but how do I really know! I cannot trust him! And now I can't even check up on him like I used to unless you guys know other ways to tap into the very guts of the computer (recycling bin, maybe? I don't know...) So how's this for a huge monkey wrench in the situation. I have all these conflicting emotions, and they're all very strong. One of them is, How upset with him can I really be at this point now that I'm doing what I'd consider to be even worse?! What should I do? Please help!
Oh, and by the way, I overlooked mentioning my age, and several of you were curious. I'm 26, my BF is 31, OM is 23, and there are no kids involved except for OM's 4 year old daughter who I have absolutely fallen in love with (he's a single dad & never been M), but that's not really a problem, now, is it? BTW, she's also crazy about me, which complicates things. Her dad has expained to her that we're just friends, though, and she never sees us doing anything, of course. Sorry for slipping into a tangent. Anyway, what should I do?!!
Thanks,
Angelkat
Danielle
i'm a very patient type person and it takes a long time for me to get fed up with someone (BF especially) and when i do, watch out. i always go for the breakup, not a break. and the man always backs down and straightens out for a couple of months (at best!).
your BF is who he is. you can't control him or make him change. only he can do that. you have control over YOU. i didn't learn that bit until at least 40!! do what is best for you, angel. if you need time away from your BF, tell him gently but firmly. you are confused and unsure and need to think about what your future holds without him being around to drive you crazy. and for whatever your other delicate reason is. you are young and can do anything with your life. don't tie yourself down to one man unless you are sure he IS THE ONE! and if you're having desires for another, how can you be sure your BF is your "soulmate"?? think long and hard, girl! it's up to you.
good luck,
gurl
Pages