Getting married next month

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Getting married next month
14
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:31pm
I hope someone can help me, where do I begin?? My affair is turning into such a mess, it was suppose to be a one night stand. Im 26 my Fiance is 27. Im suppose to be getting married in less than 3 weeks!. During the whole year of planning for the wedding my BF and I have become so preoccupied and stressed with the wedding that our sex life became non-existent. We live together also, so there is no excuse. I never planned on cheating on him and I am in love with him and could not imagine my life without him, I dont know why this is happening. So anyway, 2 months ago I went out afterwork with some people from my office for happy hour. There is this guy I work with that is really cute and we did flirt quite a bit at work, but never serious. This was a bad week for me and Fiance and I was getting really tired and fed up of no sex, he was always tired or just not in the mood. So Happy hour is over and me and the OM are still chatting at the bar realizing we have so much in common and are really enjoying talking to each other. We start talking a lot closer and the flirting becomes a lot more heavier. The next thing I know we are making out like two lovers on a first date! The feeling was so intense, shocks went through my body! We left it like that and I approached him the next day at work to avoid the awkwardness of the whole thing and explained to him that I was engaged and we cant do this. He agreed, but we just kind of stood there and stared at each other with this longing look of lust in our eyes, the next thing I know we are going at it again- Pure adrenaline rush!! at the end of the day we meet for happy hour again (BF is so pre-occupied with wedding he didn't even notice.) We have a few drinks and cant keep our hands off each other, well we leave the bar (In his car) and the next thing I know we are at some little motel having the most intensive, wild, orgasmic lovemaking session ever!! After we left the Hotel I did feel kind of guilty, but I felt no guilt, no emotion either towards the OM- it was just pure physical release and it felt really, really good. Since then my sex life with Fiance has picked back up again and our relationship is excellent. Here is my problem. I love my Fiance to death and I have no doubt I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I am physically and emotionally attracted to him. I could never picture myself doing anything with the OM than sex, he is definitely not the type I would want for a relationship, and most definitely not marriage. Why do I feel no emotion though? Am I a horrible person? Am I normal? I feel like I should feel guilty, but I don't- I am getting married in less than a month and having sex with this OM at least once a week now. The other night I met OM for a quickie, we are on the pill so he does cum inside me. That night though, I went home and had sex with my Fiance a few hours later- my Fiance commented on how wet I was, he had no idea it was actually the OM's cum from a few hours before. I am not the slutty type, but I feel like one. Do you think I should just continue on for the pure physical enjoyment I get out of this, or should I end it now, I dont plan on doing this forever with the OM- it is just something right now that is a break from my stress. The OM is cool with everything, respects my limits, does not want an emotional attachment either. He is not trying to get me to leave my Fiance and for us it is a mutually beneficial thing. Does anyone think I am doing something wrong?? Please help me and tell me im not crazy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:44pm
Hi Michele,

I don't have time to write, but I wanted to jump in here. You are putting yourself and your fiance at risk by sleeping with OM without protection. The pill might effectively prevent pregancy, but STDs and such, no.

As far as the emotional hurt goes, I think that is secondary to the fact that you are having unprotected sex with a person and presumably unprotected sex with your fiance.

You need to see your doctor and start protecting yourself. Period.

I'm sorry I can't offer any help with the rest of your story (no time). But this board is very supportive, and if you stick around someone will help you with the conflicting feelings.

Good luck, Michele, and protect yourself and the ones you love.

Alameda


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:51pm
This might be tricky, but I just thought that you should start using condoms with your BF until you are tested and in the clear.

So he isn't suspicious, you might tell him that you forgot to take your pill, ran out, etc. To be on the safe side, you'd like to use other protection.

Just a thought,

A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 4:20pm
We almost always use a condom, it was just that one time things got a little "Out of hand", we had no condom and we went all the way- im sure that has happened to almost everyone else on this board at one time or another. I just don't know if im wrong about this whole thing, it is because I dont feel guilty about it. I am also just treating it as a physical thing. Sex with my Fiance is great, but sex with the OM is AMAZING!! I love the intenseness, the taboo, and the excitement- it is a nice break from the ordinary. I am just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like I am, and I am looking for some advice on wether I should continue this if it makes me happy and not harming anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 4:58pm
Michele,

What's the risk worth?

If your fiance found out tomorrow, would he still want to marry you? Would it be worth the pain you would cause him, and then naturally yourself?

Having a sexual outlet is not a crime, and many here can probably understand what a wonderful way great sex is to relieve tension, have some fun, etc. But at this point, you are risking a future you claim to want: M w/your fiance. So is having that "great sex" really worth the damage it would do to your R?

It has nothing to do with being moral or selfish or anything like that. It has everything to do with what's at stake. Alameda made a good point about the health risks, but what about everything else that's being put on the line. All you need is one jealous busy-body to spill the beans to your fiance... and then what? Are you ready for the fallout?

Whatever you decide, good luck!

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 5:23pm
Michele,

You can do anything you want, but you must be

prepared for the consequences.

You have been warned about the unprotected sex.

The consequences here are HIV or some other

nasty STD. "Just once" does not cut it. Even with

a condom, it can leak and/or tear. It may not

offer any protection against Herpes. No BC is

perfect, even the pill (but it is pretty good).

I can't really say about the lack of emotion for

OM. What is going on in your head when you are

with him? Yes, pure passionate lust does exist,

but is usually backed with some feeling at some

point. This is getting to be a pattern.

You say you will stop seing OM at some point. Is

that point the destruction of your pending marriage?

If not that, what would make you stop? When would

you stop? Why would you stop? Sex usually gets

better with repetition. Could you stop if you wanted?

I have to wonder at what point your OM would stop.

Will he be part of your wedding party? Wedding night?

I would suggest you stop with one of the guys, or

maybe clue your hubby to be into the game to see if

he thinks it is being played properly. You have to

decide how to run your life. Be careful what you

set yourself up for. Decide how you will face this

stress issue in the future. It will be back.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 5:45pm
Well, this is an affair's board so I can understand the focus being your feelings (or lack thereof) for OM and how your fiance may feel if he finds out.

But, have you stopped to really "think" about your relationship with your fiance? You say you can't imagine life without him yet you two have experienced problems for an entire year during something that is "supposed" to bring you a step closer. I would bet that if you thought back since you are living with him that other things have probably caused problems as well. If not, and the relationship has been "great" until you decided to get married, then how can such great communication between you and your fiance lead you to where you are now? So now, even before you get married, you need something that provides an escape from your relationship. When people say that things are now "great" in a relationship or was "great", then follow with the not so great reasons that led them where they are, perhaps things really aren't "great" - unless they were so great you felt compelled to screw them up.

There are people here who find themselves in complex situations after several years of marriage. You are laying the foundation to possibly end up there as well. My question is why? Why are you not taking the time to look closer at the relationship that has you with OM. Not from the standpoint that you may hurt your fiance or lose him and not get married. But why you two having these problems, have not been able to deal with them together, and are moving forward as if there are "no" problems?

Your lack of feelings for OM could be just that...lack of feelings and just great sex, and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes the only meaning behind sex is whether it is good or bad...

Unless getting married is more important than the relationship itself, you can delay the marriage, and take the time to get this relationship in order - if possible. If you marry now, will you start a family on this foundation as well?

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 6:59pm
before you marry him please question yourself, your relationship, make sure that it is for the rest of your life, cause honey, have been there and know, look at me divorced after 21 years and madly in love with a married man,, jsut question yourself honestly

Good Luck

Ladyinwaiting40

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 7:07pm
Maybe I'm a prude, but does anyone besides me see that the whole fiancee making a comment about the wetness and other mans semem really disrespectful to the man you supposedly love? At least shower before you sleep with another man. How would you feel if you fiancee kissed you after performing oral sex on another woman? I'm not in love with my hubby anymore but I avoid sex with hubby if I had been with OM because of that. I'm sorry for sounding so harsh but putting aside the fact that cheating is in and of itself disrespectful, but having him feel the other guys work? Doesn't sound like you're ready for marriage, but that's just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 8:03pm
No, I caught that, too. My OM and I rarely have actual intercourse and when we have, we've been careful to not let him cum in me for the very reason that HE (and I, too, but he was the first to suggest it) thinks it is too disrespectful to H. I do realize that having an A is the height of disrespect, but OM and I have rules that we both agree to and think are good so as to maintain as much respect for H as we can...we don't fool around in my house, for instance. We don't let OM cum in me.

And for my own personal idiosyncrasy, I try not to be intimate with both on the same day, although if it does ever double up - happened twice, now - I'll be with H first, then OM. OM doesn't mind, though, if I've been with H earlier. It's just that I prefer to savor the experience of one without confusing it with sensations from the other. That, in a way, is respect, also. Puts me more 'there' with either man. Of course, it's practically a moot point now. My M is so devoid of intimacy now that it's weeks between sex acts.

Just my two cents.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 8:52pm
I did not miss it either... and despite being in an EMA for 3 years and still being reasonably close to DH... I would not put myself in this situation. Michele... I too think you need to be a little bit more respectful to your future husband.

But back to the initial point to hand... and I think it may have been raised already... Michele... you really need to take a long hard look at your relationship with your fiance. If you are already running to another mans arms when things are tough before you even say those vows and make that commitment... imagine what it's going to be like a few years down the track. Honey... marriage doesn't make it easier... believe me... there is a lot of hard work involved and if you aren't prepared to work it through before... then I can't see you doing it later.

Please, please, don't think I'm being harsh... but I really think that you need to think long and hard about what you are doing... and now!!

You say that you can walk away... but can you?? why it may just be physical now... how long will you let it continue before things change for either you or OM and then things get really complicated.

I say this for yourself and your fiance... get help now... seek counselling... talk things through... if things are bothering you, you need to communicate what you are feeling... what your needs and wants are... and you need to do it now before it's too late. Think long and hard before continuing with OM... is the sex really worth risking what you have? if not... then walk away and walk away now.

I hope I haven't come across too harshly... I just want you to see things for what they are.... EMA's are not easy and to start a marriage with that there... for me... just doesn't sit well.

Regardless of what you chose... we are always supportive.

I wish you the best...

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

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