Wow! I am amazed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wow! I am amazed!
4
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:43pm
I have been on both sides now. I have also been lurking here for awhile. Just joined today so that I could post. When I discovered my husband's affair, I was devestated to say the least. But, we had nothing in our marriage at that time. I can't say I understood, but in a way I did. Then, a year into rebuilding, I had an affair. My affair lasted three months, and I was ready to leave my husband for my married lover...which was my best friends husband. Yeah, I am a great friend! :) Anyway, the affair is over because my MM wouldn't live up to all of the "promises" he made to me about leaving his wife. Looking back, I feel like I knew he wouldn't do it, but I hung onto my "fix", which was him and the fantasy way he made me feel. I didn't believe my husband when he said I wouldn't be able to handle the guilt of an affair. It isn't that I felt guilty DURING the affair, it is now that I feel so dirty and used. Is anyone else going through that? And, if so, what do you do to be able to handle that terrible feeling? Also, how do you handle having this person who was in your life suddenly gone? I mean, he is gone. He wants nothing to do with me. I see him hanging on his wife and begging her to stay and I want to barf! She still doesn't know it was me, so therefore I get to hear all of the good and the bad that is happening with them! A part of me wants to just spill the beans. Why does she get it all? Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 4:27pm
Tinker,

I think your affair was the direct result of having

nothing in your marriage (your statement). It would

be more honest to work out your M before getting

involved elsewhere. It would be emotionally easier too.

As to your feelings now, I think you should accept

yourself as human. We all have attractions to others, and

it is very common for us to fall for another. Having an

affair is statistically a very common event in a marriage.

So you have a lot of company. That a lot of people do it

doesn't make it right, but having company may make you

feel less lonely. Believe me, a lot of us here understand.

Ultimately you will have to accept yourself and forgive

yourself. Since it bothers you as much as it does, you may

resolve to never do it again and move on. I don't think

beating up on yourself emotionally will get you anywhere.

Resist the urge to punish yourself. Acknowledge it happened

(to yourself), try to understand why, accept yourself as

human, and resolve how you will deal with this in the future.

It will come up again.

Avoid that negative mental script you are playing in your

head right now. Deal with your feelings and start playing

a positive script. You deserve it.

Missing your lover is harder, especially if your M is rocky.

I think if you were in a relationship that met your needs,

you would be much happier. Is there any way you can make

that happen?

I would resist the urge to reveal any of this to anyone,

especially your friend. You might wish to close off this

line of communication, saying something like it is making

you very uncomfortable. Think of a good reason for this first.

Your telling will only hurt your friend, will not ease your

conscience, and will do no good for your friend's M. It will

probably cost you her friendship too.

I would not chase your MM. I doubt it will work and is

unbecoming. She gets it all because she married him. Since you

are privy to all their problems, you must know that life with

OM is not a bed of roses either. Perhaps you are luckier than

you think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 4:52pm
ditto what Desert said.

And I would add that you might be able to find some good support at the Ending An Affair board here at iV too. I know some others have gone there and I believe they found it helpful.

In the end, focus on you. What is it that you want from a husband or lover... if you truly are rebuilding your M (despite this "blip on the radar") can your H give you what you need? Have you been able to express your needs to him in a way he understands, truly, what it is you feel is lacking? Do either of you know how you even got to a point of "nothing in your marriage"? I would think understanding that would be key to rebuilding.

Good luck to you,

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 9:17pm
Hi tinker...

ditto! to both desert and lily... I really can't see much more to add.

I do feel that maybe your affair was a little out of revenge for what your DH did... while you may not realise it... a lot betrayed spouses will deal with an affair this way. Also my not being able to 'obtain' the OM this has not given you the confidance and you feel very used.

I too think you may benefit more by visiting the Ending Affairs board... they may be a little better equiped with some better advice.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 7:33am
I felt really bad about myself after my EMA ended also. But you have to remember that you are human, we all are, we all make mistakes in life, and choices. You need to concentrate on yourself, to build up your self respect. I am not saying this is easy, it isn't. There is a saying, "Love the sinner, not the sin". So you are not happy with what you did, it doesn't make you any less worthy of love than any one else. Learn to love yourself.

hugs,

itty