Desert, LG... guys point of view....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Desert, LG... guys point of view....
10
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 2:35am
or ladies who want to add anything...

not sure how much everyone knows... but quick run down... been seeing MM for 3 and a half years. Originally... purely physical... but 3 years is a long time and my feelings for him are so much more and I know that I allowed myself to fall in love with him. I dealt with it in myself and moved on in a sense... I'm ok to give my love without saying it and at present haven't felt the need to have it returned... in words. MM gives me so much that I know he cares in someway. I have been working up to telling him how I feel... I figure we have always been honest with each other and I feel this is no different.

Anyway... after some exchange of words yesterday and a couple of apologies on my behalf... then dealing with things with DH last night... I guess this morning I was somewhat still emotional. When I sent of my daily email to MM I signed off with... luv K. I really didn't give it a second thought... and actually didn't think he would... but he did. This was his response....

"luv??, I've known you for what? 3... 3.5yrs and the surprise is that this is the first time you've used this.... I hope you can see that it has surprised me... quite a bit...."

I'm trying my hardest to figure out why... why did it surprise him so much... the first time I used it... is he surprised that it's taken me so long to use it or surprised that I used it at all??? in my reply... I never thought to ask him why... it took me so much by surprise myself. I simply said that I was lost for words... which I can tell you... I was!!

I know that MM has been burned before in an EMA... and I never wanted to put him in that situation again... and I don't... I don't want any more from him than I already have... I mean I can't myself give more than I already do anyway. I've yet to hear back from MM... but I'm not sure whether I should let it go... or now move forward and deal with this.

I'm just a little confused... things at home and his mind you... are not making the situation to hand any easy at present.

This is my turn to ask for some advice

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 8:42am
Sweet,

Sorry in advance, I'm not going to be any help at all. All I can come up with is this: guess you'll have to push forward a bit and ask, "What surprised you? That I typed it? Or that I do?"

Not knowing your MM, I just can't guess what's behind his response. Sorry,

--LG

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 9:58am
You wrote that his reply was

"luv??, I've known you for what? 3... 3.5yrs and the surprise is that this is the first time you've used this.... I hope you can see that it has surprised me... quite a bit...."

To me.....that "sounds" like he may have expected it before now??? Does it sound that way to you too? Maybe he is surprised that you used it in an email...I mean before you actually said it. To be honest, I too had thought about doing the same thing in an email, just a quick luv at the bottom, but now....maybe I'm having second thoughts on that. Like you, I don't expect, need and can't give any more right now. I've known my MM for 18 years, dated him once before and had an affair with him 12 years ago. Just a few weeks ago was the first time we talked about "feeling" but never actually said what they were. I've thought of coming out telling him..then thought about just a simple ending to an email...but now, I'm not so sure, lol.

If I were you, I'd just ask him why he was so surprised. I think that's the only way you'll really know. Like another poster said, I don't really know your MM, or what he was thinking...but just by reading what he said, I don't think he meant it in a "bad" way, ya know what I mean. Then again, maybe he was just surprised by the fact that you used it in an email like I said before. Be sure to let us know what you decided to do and what he said...I'll be looking for that post!

Good Luck and Hugs!!

ARH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 10:16am
Sweet - I agree with Levi. But more importantly, how do YOU feel? Were you expecting that he would write "luv" back? Were you hoping for that? Did you feel disappointed when he reacted this way? I think that the important thing is the way his reaction made YOU feel: off-balance, defensive, questioning, etc. You need to sit with those feelings instead of figuring out what to "do" next, and only then will you be able to act in a truly useful and effective manner. Just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 11:13am
Dear Sweet,

This turn of events seems to have added to the

stress in your life. A simple expression of

affection, and it may have backfired on you.

I think you should pursue this, even if through

clarification you loose MM. It may tell you a great

deal about your R, yourself, and what MM is expecting

from you.

I like the optimistic tone of one of your other posts.

Perhaps his surprise was that it took so long. He may

have intended it negatively as well. It really isn't

clear to me, but I would naturally assume a more

pessimistic interpretation.

Perhaps MM is aware of the tensions you are living

with, and is afraid you may be running to him soon.

I know you think you have been clear on this, but he

may fear you changing your mind. He may not be prepared

for this.

I am in the camp of telling a person you love them as soon

as you know, and repeating it often. This has gotten me in

trouble before, and is something I am working on. Being

coy does not come easily for me. I fall in love too easily,

I fall in love too fast.

I admire the strength it takes to hold your tongue even in

the heat of passion. What do you say to each other while

cuddling... afterwards? It should give you a clue to his

mental state, his guard will be as far down as it gets,

it is about as close as you will come to viewing his soul.

It is probably the most natural setting for a meaningful

and heartfelt "I love you".

Without being specific, what is the general tone of your

daily emails? Are you flirting electronicly, and a luv might

not seem out of place, or is it weather and sports, where a

luv would stand out? How did you normally sign off? This is

a thought question, don't post details on the board.

So what are the possibilities here? Lets think up some, just

so we have some idea of the potential scope of his response.

Clearly he didn't expect it. Was he surprised because he

loved you in return, because he didn't love you, because

he doesn't know, or because his emotional state is irrelevant.

Under irrelevant, I would say he might be put off that you sent

that via corporate email, and now he has your email on the

company server signed with a luv. It will be backed up and

archived, and will exist for probably 5 years or more. He

will never be sure it is gone. Just because you are paranoid

does not mean everyone is not out to get you.

If he doesn't know, it may just be a break in the pattern of

your R that surprised him. He now has to think of what to say

in return. It does put him on the spot for clarification. The

natural response is to write luv in return. Perhaps he can't

say that, for whatever reason.

Maybe he doesn't love you and he was worrying you might fall

in love, and is sad because he has no love to offer in return.

Maybe he does love you too, and can't deal with all the changes

a mutual love might entail. He knows that if you truly mean it

and he truly means it, heaven and earth will move until you are

together. The same case, but you can never be together and he

can't live with that prospect either. He might just be wondering

what took so long.

That is all I can think of for now. I do think you should figure

it out. Most people do not like change, clearly something has

changed here for him, and I would say for you too.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 12:18pm
Hi Sweet,

Now others might disagree with me, but I think there is a distinction between signing luv in an email, and saying straight out "i luv you." Unless, of course, you don't use endearments/tenderness in your mail to one another, and as desert said, its just sports and weather. But for some reason, I truly doubt that.

Assuming that logic is true, it sounds to me like MM is reacting to an 'i luv you' rather than a tender closing in an email. HE is the one that read the 'i luv you' -- you didn't actually write/say it.

Now I don't know MM of course, but for whatever reason (good or bad) that seems to be what he read. Whether or not he was waiting to hear it, well, only he can express that to you.

Personally, I would let it go, unless you need to know how he feels about the idea of loving one another or actually loving one another. Now that it is on the table, so to speak, I'm sure it will come up. It's clearly weighing on your mind, and it sounds like it is on his as well.

If you truly mean it, and you want to say it to him--then why not? Would it bother you if he didn't say it back? Would you expect him to say it back? Would it upset you if he said "i don't think telling one another we love each other will make this R any easier"? If you answer yes to these questions, I'd wait this one out...let him come to you.

Best,

Alameda




Avatar for secrets86
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 2:31pm
Hi Sweet--

You know my current sit. and you know that

I'm not myself right now and I'm going to

add my 2cents anyhow... hopefully, I'm not

letting any of my emotions spill over into

this right now lol (And honestly, I don't

think I am).

If I were you I would not let it lie as is.

I would just ask him simply what surprised him

about it. I wouldn't jump right into that YOU

were surprised that HE was surprised. I would

just simply ask him straight out why he was

surprised and then wait for his answer w/o

expressing any of your own, immediate thoughts

until he HAD explained why he felt that way.

I'm not going to say whether he meant it in a

way you'd like it to be meant or not b/c truth

is, we can all guess til the cows come home (what??

lol) but you're never going to KNOW until you ask

him yourself. I think that if you DON'T ask him

all it's going to do is just be on your mind, eating

at you and something you will keep in the back of

your head. Nobody needs something like that and the

only way to put it to rest and get some sort of

closure is to just ask him.

As another poster has said... no matter what his

explanation for his surprise, whether its what you

would hope it to be or if it's not what you'd want

it to be, either way, it's going to tell you about

your R and him.

Keep us posted

:: hugs ::

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 4:36pm
I would ask. (But that's just me). Just ask why he was surprised. You are not putting yourself out there any further by asking. It also think it sounds as if he was surprised by the fact that it took you so long to say it. Let us know what happens!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 4:36pm
Sweet --

Whoa! I do not envy the spot you're in right now -- sounds terribly confusing; I'm sorry that you'reh aving to deal with all of this speculation and ramifications right now :o(

Yoga, Desert, and Alameda all made excellent points. I'd let things sit for a little bit before pursuing this deeper (maybe a day or 2). Then, I'd find out the basis of his "surprise" -- which should then give you an idea of how to best respond. I agree that he may be overreacting to a simple signing off of "luv" -- not like you made some grand statement -- not even an "I luv You".

Still, you will probably need to pursue this and find out one way or the other. Though I suspect he may bring it up first.

Please let us know what happens -- we care!!!

Emmy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 1:06am
Thank you all... I think each and every one of you had some very good things to say. I've been thinking things through and I just wanted to address a few things to get them right in my mind.

ARH - to me it did feel a little like he expected it before... it was like if I haven't used it before... that I wasn't ever going to. That was my initial reaction to it. I honestly do not think he meant it in a bad way either.

Yoga - no... I wasn't expecting anything back at all... it's been on my mind to tell him anyway and I don't need to here it back. I know he cares and that's truly enough for me. I didn't feel defensive or anything like that... off balance maybe... but only that he had actually noticed it... if you know what I mean?

Desert - MM is well aware of the problems of my homelife... and I don't think it scares him... I've been caught out in my EMA and almost walked from my marriage before. That did not scare him and he is still around. I do think though when I do tell him how I feel... I want him to know that it will not change what I have with him. I can relate well and truly to falling in love too hard and fast... which was one reason I have kept this relationship in perspective at all times and only in the last 10 months actually admitted to myself that I had fallen in love with him. To be honest... when he was here last week... I almost uttered those words in the heat of the moment... but some how managed to bite my tongue. Maybe I should have let it be then and there... but I did not feel it was the right time... if that at all makes sense?? It's hard to explain how we are when we are together like that... it's that comfortable that we are like an old married couple... sometimes we cherish the silence that it brings... and others we just talk about everyday things... like our kids.

Alameda - I tend to agree with you... I reserve the use of luv for family and very close friends of mine... he falls into that catergory and it just felt right to put it there.

Secrets - hon... thank you for taking the time to reply... I know you have so much on your own mind at the moment. Yes... I do think your right that if I don't bring it up... it will play on my mind until I do.

Just to add to it all... I did finally get email from MM yesterday to which his reply was that because of his day he was not a source of conversation... and he left it at that. I did reply knowing he wouldn't get it till this morning and simply asked him... why???? Due to circumstances... I have seen him briefly this morning, but timing was not right as it was a quick sneak out the front to avoid DS and give him his CD's that he had lent me and that his wife wanted... oopppss!! I alsp spoke with him on the phone as well... but he had not gotten into work to see his email. I chickened out and so far left it at that. A couple of emails today... and it's not been mentioned... I do get to talk to him this afternoon as well... maybe then I shall have the courage... or! it looks as though he may come and see me next week... so maybe I will leave it till I have him face to face.

Whatever happens I shall keep you up to date... and thankyou all for being here when I need you :)

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 8:01am
I know how you feel in that you don't want him to think your feeling that way towards him is an attempt by you to change things between the two of you. (I think that's a point you were trying to make). He may feel better knowing that - I am learning that intimate relationships between people do not always have to be "all or nothing" in order to be good. I'm off to work :(