How can I be sure I am the "first"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
How can I be sure I am the "first"...
8
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 12:24pm
I've known this man for over 7 years and what I've always admired about him is what a great dad and person he is. I would NEVER have imagined that he would cheat on his wife. He just doesn't seem the type. Over the past years we have seen each other on almost a daily basis because of our children. I've only seen his wife twice. Since she was never around I always had the impression that she was ill or something. The funny thing is that he's only seen my husband a couple of times if that. So I came straight out and asked him if this would be his first A and he said yes. "I'm" a cheater now should I care? Maybe no but I do and I'm not sure why. I'm also having these feelings that I'm so afraid to get hurt by him. Is this NORMAL in an EMA? I'm still in shock over what's happening. For SO many years I fantisized about this man and now it's a reality. I don't even know how we got to this point.
Avatar for imopus
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 3:29pm
hi secretpal,

i'm not sure about your situation but the first thing that i thought when reading your post was... does it matter? what would it change if he had cheeted before? i think you have to take his answer at face value unless there is reason to believe that he would lie to you...

you said "I'm also having these feelings that I'm so afraid to get hurt by him. Is this NORMAL in an EMA?" i would have to say yes... at least from what i know and have experienced... this is a secret relationship that has lots of tension, emotion etc. mixed up in it.... and everything seems to move so rapidly... it is normal to be worried about getting yourself "in to deep" so to speak and getting caught up in the emotional rollercoaster... it's ok to be concerned about your own heart/feelings/health/etc. you should be... an EMA is not something entered into lightly

take a few deep breaths and try to relax some... i don't know how long you have been in this A... i assume only a short amount of time... i can't say that it will get better... it's a difficult ride and if you don't have the trust in MM now... where will you be a few months down the road?

just some thoughts IMHO...

take care,

opus

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 3:44pm
Thank you Opus. I guess I just want to be the "one and only" person that he could actually risk everything for. I don't want to find out that this is routine for him. It would matter to me if I wern't the only affair he has had. I'll go by what I know now. My own husband doesn't have the potential to break my heart the way this man does! Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 4:11pm
Secret,

This sounds like a high risk high reward

situation for you.

Should you care about being his first A? It

does seem a little quaint. He is probably

telling the truth. There are some health

issues associated with NOT being his first

(or 50th). I hope you are being careful.

You are afraid of being hurt by him. In what

way are you afraid of being hurt? You should

know that most affairs last about a year, only

5% or so result in a long-term relationship,

and most address some deeply felt need in each

person's marriage. Usually it is passion,

sometimes it is meerly desire or attention.

Think about why you both are doing this.

You would be wise to prepare yourself now for

what is a statistical inevitability. Enjoy what

you can while you can. Try not to mess up too

many peoples lives when (if) it is over. Try not

to get caught. There are lots of issues to consider,

and there is a lot to loose.

It sounds like you could really give your heart to

this man. You would be wise to hold back some.

Plan ahead, and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 4:27pm
Gosh, you sound like you are in the phase I was in with my Affair about two months ago. Great friends who saw each other all the time and had great laughs together for years but for one reason or another the spouses weren't ever around... I thought his wife was ill too. Anyway, now here I am "post affair". I ended up feeling too guilty about the whole thing and tried to end it and stay friends but he just wouldn't let go. I did a questionable thing and told my hubby about the whole thing so that I would have to put and end to it and now my "secret love" hates me and won't even talk to me. I am very sad and regretful about the whole thing. I cared very deeply for him and now I think I wish I would have just kept it on a flirty friendship level because now I have nothing with him and I miss him terribly. Also, about the "first" thing.. I wondered a lot about this too, even though he swore I was the first. Ultimately, you can trust your intuition more than his words and if there is something inside that makes you question the things he tells you than maybe you ought to wonder if that isn't your inner voice telling you not to trust his words. I hope things don't end up for you the way they ended up for me. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 1:28pm
See, I agree with that burning need to know if you are the first... and only. So, I asked and he told me thatI was. I even went as far to ask if he had ever flirted heavily, etc. He said that he had, but it had never gone any farther than that. When I asked why, he said that he had never found anyone worth it. He explained that an EMA is a high stakes event and that the only way he was going to play is if he found someone who IF the secret was let out, that he could say was worth losing his family. I even did a little checking around. His brother knows about us, and so I asked his brother how many others there had been. His brother even swore that I was the first and only. I think you can tell a lot by what they know to do, what the don't know to do (as far as hiding as such). I believe him... and it makes me feel good that he thinks *I* am the one who is worth it.

One other thing that I needed to know was where he stood emotionally. So, I finally got up the nerve to ask him. I needed to know if I was a sex toy, or more. And he did tell me about his strong feelings for me, how much he cared, etc. It made me feel GREAT!!

So, I wish you ALL the best of luck and suggest this.... if you want to know... ask. But, it is up to you to believe.

As far as getting hurt... my thought is that it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!!!
Avatar for imopus
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 1:37pm
i can understand that need to know that your the only one he would actually risk everything for... and i'm sure that you also have the same feeling... that he is the only one you would risk everything for... as for breaking your heart... i know what you mean... i too have given much of myself to this A with OM and it would truly hurt to have him leave or give it up at this point... but i have to protect myself and realize that it is always a possiblity... i hope too that you will be cautious about giving your heart away... i know some times the heart doesn't give us much choice... but do protect yourself some... hugs...

opus

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 6:50pm
Hi Secret,

What strikes me here is... why don't you believe him?

If trust is already an issue, and you're already doubting his word... well, there must be something else going on that gave you some signal or idea that he *has* had other EMAs or you really aren't ready to risk your heart and your lifestyle to this MM. I would be careful.

take care,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 6:06pm
Hi,

I decided to respond to your post here because I also wanted to address something in Desertintherain's post as well.

First, it sounds like your question is one of those "does this dress make me look fat" questions. You want reassurance. Now, some will say that when you ask something like that you "should" get reassurance that you are special and hear something reassuring even if it may not be the complete truth. Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth but something believable enough to appease them. All you can do is take what he tells you at face value and that is with what anyone tells you. I don't necessarily believe that it is simply a question of trust but more a question of your needing an answer to make you feel good and secure. When you asked that question, were you ready to end the relationship at that moment based on his answer? And would you have stuck to your decision?

WRT DR's comment about the 5%, well I disagree. True some affairs are crash and burn but those are most likely those that want the "rush" of an affair. The problem with that type of "rush" is that familiarity kills it and then the affair is just another relationship - no fun there. However, this board is itself proof of the varying lengths and types of affairs. Long term means what? Forever, 10, 5, or 3 yrs? Well, marriages, nor other relationships, last forever, and they last different amounts of time. So if affairs fall into that "group" then they are simply part the majority, not the exception, don't you think?

At the very least you should question what "you" are looking for and why and not just go through some motions before you choose to be a "stat". Also, if you decide that this relationship "must" be a roller coaster, then you'll find a way to make it so - but that is never a given either.

Rose