His guilt
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| Wed, 07-30-2003 - 1:41pm |
Currently I am seeing a MM, I too am married over 19 years. Marriage for me has been over for 10 years, I stay for the children when they leave for college so do it.
Recently met a wonderful man, unhappily married for most of the 25 years, we have talked over coffee, met for lunch, talk on the phone. Only kissing so far. He and I both agreed to take things slow. He told me this weekend over coffee that he feels like he has found his soulmate. We agreed to be open and honest with each other about everything, including our relationship. This morning however he said he needed to talk with me. We met for coffee before work,he looked troubled. He told me he is having "moral issues" with the relationship, that he has been having trouble eating and sleeping. I asked if he wanted to stop seeing each other, he said "No" and took my hand. Looking at me he said, "This is hard for me, but I don't want it to end. I just needed to tell you that i'm trying to sort things out in my head and it's hard right now."
Now I'm totally confused and hurt. I adore this man, he is so wonderful in every way; kind, thoughtful, we have all the same interestes. We are true soulmates.
Has anyone experienced this with their man? Can anyone tell me what this all means? Should I prepare for the worst or just sit back and wait.
Normally I can make rational choices, right now, I'm a total wreck.
thanks for any help or suggestions.
Belle

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I think what has occurred -- your MM statig his confusion but still wanting to see you -- is very normal in an EMA. Personally, I think that the fact that he is struggling with his feelings and/or ethics, demonstrates that he is probably a very kind and considerate man.
I have been on both sides of this . . . in a prior EMA (years ago), the MM was the one who was struggling with whether or not he could go through with it. As for the new EMA I am involved in right now, I am the one who struggles a bit more with these feelings.
Based on my experiences, I'd urge you to be patient with him. Try not to freak out or pressure him, as it sounds like you're still in the early stages of your relationship with him. I know, I know, easier said than done. But we've all been there, so hang in there!
Emmy
Edited 7/30/2003 3:49:18 PM ET by emmy19742003
emmy is right... it is normal for one or both involved in an EMA to struggle with the issue of guilt... i too have had to deal with this... time and patience may help you MM see through this period... sometimes it is best to step back a little with the R... i have found that sometimes the feelings and reactions in the EMA is so intense and fast that it can be scary... that's when you have to take a deep breath, relax and try to focus on something else in your life that makes you happy... be it a hobbie... spending time with your children etc... when you let your mind get wrapped up in the R you let worry get the better of you
opus
First let me state that you did not explain what
you want out of this relationship. If you are
thinking about starting an affair, I would say be
very careful. If you want a friend for coffee and
conversation, I would say I see nothing wrong with
that. You are kissing, and are posting on a board
for people having affairs. I have to assume that
is what is on your mind.
It really doesn't matter what I think or assume.
Your man has told you he is having "moral issues" with
the relationship. He clearly has deep feelings for you.
I suspect he is viewing himself as the type of person
that does not have affairs, as he defines an affair.
He may feel the friendship alone is becoming an emotional
affair. He may surprise himself and have an affair,
especially if you push.
There can be serious stress on a person's self image
if the desire of another person comes in conflict with
a strong moral conviction.
Do you think it would be a loving act to do this to him?
I do not think you will loose him, but I think you both
will need to sort this all out. Sit down and talk through
the "moral issues". You may find a few of your own.
If your plans involve more than coffee and conversation
then know that it is better to end your current situation
first, before getting involved in a new one. It is
emotionally better, it is more honest, it is safer. You
have already decided to leave when the kids do. Is this
plan on track? What steps have you taken to make it happen?
Can you remain just good friends until this happens? What
are his intentions for his 25 year marriage? How do you
envision life working out for the two of you? How does
he envision it?
It might be that you can never have your soulmate, it is
not for me to say. You should sort through all of these
issues with him. Don't be confused and hurt, he clearly
cares for you. Talk to him and work on it. Do what you
decide is best for everyone.
I am a MM, OM is single. Since the beginning of our relationship, I have been the guilt-ridden one. I slip into phases where I worry about the direction in which I have deliberately pushed my life. I feel as though I could control things if only I had the strength to behave myself. Once I had a near panic attack on an airplane. Sleepless nights - you bet! I wallow in guilt. I fret about hurting H and/or OM, getting caught.
Anyway, how does OM deal with me when I lapse into my drama queen moods? He is patient. He disarms me with sweetness. He doesn't try to solve my problems, he doesn't have an answer for everything. But he loves me and waits for it to pass. He gives me space. It has worked every time. His confidence in our relationship and his understanding are unexpected, undeserved and wonderful.
Pug (the drama queen who, believe it or not, manages to have a little fun despite myself)
I am a MW with a single OM, how long have you been with your OM? I think that both OM and I both have guilty feelings but at different times and for different reasons. How long did it take your OM to just sit back and support you like you said in your post. I have been involved with OM for about 4 mos. now in this A and it is all kind of new to us. We want it to work and are trying. Just curious. DAF
In th ebeginning all is well and then as someone closes the door your demons appear, demons that you have never experineced in your life, guilt, hatred towards self, lust, love, and most of all what the hell is happening, and ny dear they are big big demons that hold your morals in check, you go home after and look at your children and just want to curl up and cry,,, such are these demons you must fight,, but you fight alone, for all of us deals with these demons in our own way,, we try and let go of our love thinking they will go away ,, yet the love we feel can not be let go , so what do you do ,,,you fight your demons and come out stronger than before and you look at the person you have found yet was never searching for and all those demons you fought for her for him was well worth it, he is going through stage one of an EMA, you will to,, it is hard to get through that and it does get harder as you go along, bit if you always remember inside of your self WHY, then you are half way there, it will be hard more bad days than good,, but if you love him ,, be there for him as he fights his demons and let yoour and his heart follow a natural course, to just love
Good Luck
Ladyinwating40
I have not read any of the previous posts, I don't need to--I'm sure there are plenty who have told you to "be careful" and to "think about things."
From what you say about your marriages, it's a no brainer for me: 10 years no good for you, but staying for the kids; 25 dead years for him...
I know you are both hurt & confused, but PLEEZE, give the "moral issues" a burial. It is not fair for one spouse to hold another hostage in a marriage--especially in a rotten marriage. Neither of you are under any obligation to your marriages; you've both checked out years ago it seems, so why play games with the piece of paper" or other documents, not to mention a "moral" contract? Sounds like your marriages are over 'cept for hiring some laywers. Now THAT should piss you off...
You and this man should enjoy each other, start seeing each other OFTEN & keep it secret; don't tell anyone; begin slowly because it'll all get too fast to soon; and don't believe in soulmates because you two have been cloistered & the concept will make you not see clearly. There's no such thing as soulmates. Trust me.
Just take your time, enjoy each others' company, cover your ass(es), and stop worrying about the other spouses who neither of you feel anything for anyway. You don't have to make any decisions right now, today, or tomorrow--just enjoy & do what feels good. FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, DO IT. It won't hurt. Write back in a month and we'll talk.
BTDT,
--LG
Edited 7/30/2003 11:16:51 PM ET by leviguy
I've known OM for a couple of years, but our emotional relationship started last fall, the physical part this spring. He has always been patient with me - he has said many times that he is in no hurry, that he'd rather weather the rough patches than lose me. He says it's worth it. His unconditional patience and understanding completely defuses me. On the other hand, if he tried to psychoanalyze me, became argumentative, tried to have an answer for everything... well, I'd have run screaming into the night a long time ago.
I usually become quiet when things start to eat away at me. I pull back for a day or two, not realizing what my problem really is. Then suddenly it'll hit me - I feel guilt. It's an overused term on this board, but OM calls it the rollercoaster. He'll say, "you've been quiet lately - is it the rollercoaster?" He sits back, tells me he loves me, doesn't push, yet is there if/when I need him.
How do you handle it?
Pug
Thanks for your answer, it helps to see how other people in the same situation deal with things. As to how I handle the guilt I feel, I honestly don't know. That may sound funny, but I really just push it down inside of me and keep going, healthy probably not. My personality is such that I "handle" everything for everyone around me and I really don't like to have to depend on anyone. I work out a lot and do a lot of walking (3-4 miles a day) so that gives me some time to think. I like to spend time alone, which doesn't happen often because of kids, work, etc.
Since I found this board I can at least write out what I feel and that has helped. This is just something I can't talk to my family and friends about. My mom and I are really close since my dad died(2 yrs ago) and it hurts that I can't talk to her about any of this but it would positively destroy her and although I know no matter what she would still support me, it would make our relationship strained at best. OM and I talk and he knows how I feel and he can tell when I am feeling guilty but he just lets me be, he has known me long enough to know when to approach a subject and when to leave it alone. Mostly the guilty feelings come when I am alone and start thinking about everything. Then I usually give myself a pep talk and remind myself that I am in control and I have choosen to do this and I can stop this at any time (LOL like I have that much control).
Thanks again. Hopefully I can talk to you again since we have similar situations. DAF
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