Having a Bad Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Having a Bad Day
20
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 4:34pm
For some reason all I can do is think of my OM today. For the last 3 nights I have fallen asleep thinking of him and longing for him...and then the dreams are about him...which make it worse. I wake up at 3 AM wanting it to be him next to me and not my DH. Then I am awake until the crack of dawn and then the pattern starts over again.

We ( H and I ) closed on our new house Monday, and while that should be a happy event.. it is making me stressed and irritable and unhappy. It makes it harder that I have had no opportunity to talk to the OM this week. I want to know how he thinks things went the last time we were together - 2 weeks ago. I want to know if he misses me. I know this is a situation I put myself in... and I know if I had enough back bone I would just leave my M and get on with my life with the OM - but... I don't even know if he WANTS to be together as life partners. We talked about it once - 2 years ago. At that time he did... he was crazy about me. Then things went south for awhile.. and he got into this relationship he is in now with his roommate/girlfriend/sex partner - whatever... and now he is wanting to start things up again - which makes me happy...but...I don't really know what it is he wants this to be. AM I making any sense?

:(

:(

Chloe

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 6:12pm
Chloe,

You are making sense, but you really

need to focus on you, not your OM.

It seems to me he is using you, and you

are happy to jump just cause he wants to

start up again. Is this what you want?

You state "I don't really know what it

is he wants this to be". Take him out of

the loop. What do you want this to be.

Do you just want to be available whenever?

Do you really care how he thinks it went

last time? How did it go for you? Do you

care if he misses you? (Well, yes you do,

you have said so). But should you? You

are giving him way too much control here.

Don't get hurt. Talk it out, you should

know what you both want out of the A.

Be strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 7:08pm
OK .. I know you guys are trying to be helpful. BUT... desert - you don't know him or me ... so how can you say he is just using me?? And all this about focusing on me.. well hell if I hadn't focused on ME I wouldn't be where I am now would I??

I think this board is a bunch of hooey...I am looking for support and the only responses are from some members who think they have all the answers. NO ONE has the answers - eventually I will hope to have the answers - but when that happens.. I will have the answer and you guys STILL won't.

My relationship with the OM -- is a very complex one. I met him when I was seperated. ( H and I were seperated for 3.5 years)We were together, I got scared, the misread it as I wasn't interested. I tried to contact him and talk it out.. without seeming pushy - he was friendly but reserved - I took it as his non-interest. Then I had to deal with my H wanting back in the M. I didn't want it, but for financial reasons... and the fact that I was on the rebound from my OM I allowed it. MY big mistake. I love my H but not like I should. OM contacted me over the XMAS holidays when he realized he made some mistakes - and he wanted to reconnect. This has been a big timing issue.

So before anyone answers this - let me answer it for you:

I am a selfish, self serving woman who won't leave her H unless she has a sure thing

( Only partially true)

The OM is using me

( Not at all... he is unsure about where *my* heart is at. We have BOTH been hurt before)

I should just leave the M since I am not 100% happy.

( Hmmm...financially I can't do that right now. Mentally I can't do it right now. Physically I can't do that right now...)

I doubt I will get any support to this post either...just a bunch of platitudes about doing what *I* want etc. etc. Whatever happened to the old board???

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 7:56pm
The people here are trying to help you ya know. Just because you don't like the answers doesn't make the board a bunch of hooey...

There are no right or wrong answers with anything having to do with affairs. Everyone's situations are different, people are just giving the advice that they know how to give.

I understand that you want support. When I came to the board what I wanted was support... support in my bad affair. An affair I know would be better to end than keep going, but I knew that I wasn't going to end it no matter what anyone said... and I was looking for support to work through the tough times, and not just the easy out of "end it."

I'm new here... what exactly was the old board like?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 8:24pm
Well the old board was a little more -- um -- supportive. Maybe becuz I am not one of the select few that actually get responses...hugs...understanding ... I think it is a bunch of hooey.

Frankly, I don't know how anyone can give advice after one or two posts about someone they don't know... If I am in an EMA for 2 years... and come her and make 2 posts..HOW can anyone make a JUDGEMENT CALL based on that. What I received was NOT advice nor was it support! I was basically told that the OM was using me. Oh please... he would have to know I was back with my H to be doing that - and that was my last quandry and received nothing but admonitions to "leave my marriage"

The *easiest* way would be for me to pack my stuff and leave my marriage. BUT it would not be the RIGHT way.

Michelle - that is what I wanted too... support to work through the tough times. Normally I am pretty sane about my EMA. Pretty confident that somehow things will work out - but every now and then .. I weaken and things don't look so rosy. THAT is when I long for a shoulder to cry on.. a friend to lean on... and frankly, I don't have any of those when it comes to my EMA. SO, I came back here. I don't think this is a "bad affair".. it is a bad situation that I am in .. and in order for ME to work it out - I was hoping for some understanding and some support. NOT JUDGEMENTS about me or the OM or my H for that matter.

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 9:22pm
Hi Chloe,

I completely understand your thinking of OM constantly - I went through a (long) period of that - is it a stage? - but thankfully am on the other side (for now - who knows how I'll feel next month, lol!). I was thinking of MM *all* the time. Couldn't sleep either. Obsession.

Did you know that purchasing/moving home is one of the most stressful things in it's own right? What with that and your thinking/dreaming of MM constantly, and then with little sleep (and maybe not eating right) it's all getting to you.

I really would suggest you take care of your health first - and once you feel better physically and mentally, things will look different. It was a case of mind over matter for me with getting over my obsession - when I thought of MM I would purposely change thought patterns, get up and get active where possible, plant seeds of good thoughts of other areas in my life in my mind before I went to sleep for the subconscious to work on. It did eventually get to be a habit to not obsess.

Once you feel better physically, you will feel better mentally, and you'll feel stronger. Since you were about on the old board, you will remember that there was a lot of talk about "expectations and boundaries". It seems you don't know what MM expects out of the relationship - and maybe he doesn't - but the only way you will truly find out is to talk with him about it.

I don't know that it is backbone you require - you can be a strong person, but due to circumstances or timing, you just can't or aren't ready for that change in leaving your M. No matter how long one has been married, whether or not there are children, it isn't always easy to disolve a M - physically or mentally. But, there isn't any rush is there? Perhaps you could set yourself a goal - say in a year's time or what you are comfortable with, and break down what needs to be done before you can get there into little steps...by the time you have achieved those steps you may find you are mentally ready to accept the change. Even though I wanted a D, I was surprised that it took me so long to get over the slump and sort through the baggage in my head to be in a better place (and yes, even still a ways to go).

I'm sorry you've had a bad day - but know you WILL get through it - one step at a time, one day at a time.

Sending you some strength and hugs!

Meow

Avatar for secrets86
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 9:23pm
Hi Chloe--

I'm sorry you're feeling a bit blue lately.

I can def. relate to that as I'm going thru

a rough time myself now w/ OM just having

moved to the other end of the country and

deciding the last few days it'd be best to

become distant w/ me b/c that'd somehow make

it easier (def not for me). The down times in

any R are never easy. I hope you're day is going

better now.

As far as what the other posters have had to say

so far, I have to say, I didn't interpret their

words in the way you did. Which is to be expected..

everyone interprets things differently. But I do

know that neither one of them came off w/ the intent

to try to upset you, nor w/ the desire to "attack"

you. You seemed to have gotten very defensive about

their posts and taken them as attacks on you, your

character and your judgment and I don't believe that

was the case at all. (Maybe look at what made you SO

angry about their words; why you got defensive quickly.

Was it b/c of the 'using' part or more too?)

I am what some would refer to

as an "old timer" on this board, although I don't

recall you posting much around here. I, myself, don't

post much on this board anymore for other reasons so

maybe I've missed ya. In any event, I think their

advice WAS good advice in terms of you need to do things

for you and what you want. Gotta take care of yourself

and find happiness in whatever makes you happy. I'm

sure you know this too... you can't depend on anyone else

for your happiness aside from yourself. That's all the

other posters seemed to be trying to say to you. It wasn't

personal, nor unsupportive. Nobody likes it when a fellow

member is having a bad day. As far as being upset that

they said OM is using you... well, I have no idea. I don't

know your story (aside from the brief synopsis in your

other post in this thread) and only you can decide if you

feel as if you're being used or not, and you've said that

you don't feel like that so end of discussion. You did

mention that you've only posted a couple of times on here..

well...maybe that's why you're not getting posts you were

looking for more: b/c ppl aren't familiar w/ your story

and situation so we can only give you info based on what

is put in your post.

Seems like you and OM are due for a heart-to-heart where

you just lay all your cards out on the table and be

completely honest and upfront w/ e/o about what you want

(after you both are honest w/ yourselves and know w/o a

doubt what you definitely want and expect from the R and

e/o) - 2 yrs is quite a long time since the last talk! I'm

sure there are lots of things that have chgd w/in both of

you as well as in your lives. I hope you find happiness and

peace w/ the sits. in your life and have faith that everything

is happening for a reason and what is meant to be, will be.

As sort of a disclaimer... I have not spoken to the other

posters so as far as my opinions and take on their posts, I

could be totally wrong. It was just my interpretation of their

words. You know how sometimes you really know what is truth

but the truth isn't what you WANT so you talk to others and hope

they will tell you what you want to hear instead of what really is?

I think we all do that every now and then, or have done it before.

I'm not saying that is what you were looking for at all. You

obviously wanted comfort. But this msg board is notorious for

being honest and upfront w/ the fellow members. Some ppl are more

blunt w/ their approach and don't try to soften any edges. People

here tend not to sugar coat anything. They truly have others best

interests at heart and give their honest advice. And you also

have to remember, that not everyone WILL give the same advice. Each

individual's advice is based on their own life experience. Some

ppl like that sort of approach, and others dont. If you don't, this

may not be the place to look for advice.

Best of luck... keep us posted!

:: hugs ::

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 11:19pm
Chloe,

Sorry if I blew it on the advice. You are absolutely

correct, I do not know you or your situation. I got

11 (count em) 11 sentences to try and figure out something

to say to you. So I tried.

I assure you, I DO NOT have all the answers. But I have

been in an A, and there is some commonality of feelings.

I can certainly relate, I've been there. Maybe not in your

unique A, but one of my own.

For my benefit, please post back what YOU think I should

have said to you. Write the post that I should have. What

would you tell yourself? Start it out "Dear Chloe", and show

me the correct response to you.

I am sorry I did not give you the support you desired. I will

let an old timer step in and help. I assure you, I did not mean

to hurt you in any way.

Thanks for letting me try :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 12:44am
I'm completely new here, don't know all the abreviations, etc. Have been in a relationship for almost 5 years. If you want to "talk" send me an email. I know how it feels when people give advice w/o understanding the sit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 1:52am
ok... I'm going to have a little say here... for one thing I will say... maybe this isn't the 'old board' but it is the support board... just like a relationship it has grown and changed to what is going on around it. People have moved on the other places... new people have stepped up to bat... but all in all... it's still a very good place to be able to vent and cry about something that most 'other' people will never understand.

Chloe... I have not yet gone to find your previous post that you have mentioned... with time short today and problems of my own to hand... I'm picking up bits and pieces along the way. In regards to this post... I did not find anything offensive at all... and trust me... I've seen some offensive posts. Most people will have different ways of expressing there views and it isn't always the way that we want to see it... and it isn't always what we want to hear either.

Ok... so you know that OM is not using you... and that's your belief then you need to stick to it... just the same way that I know that I can trust my own MM... when someone may tell me otherwise. But! regardless... you still need to do things for you... honey... it really isn't all about him... but you and him! You need to know things... then talk to him... communication is very important in any relationship but I think more so in an EMA... you both really need to know where you stand and what you want out of it. Set some boundaries and if they change... then talk again and set some more.

I hope that in some small way that I have made some sense and you will not take anything too much to heart and take it for what it is... my own experience :)

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 10:58am
chloe, I hope you are feeling better today. Sometimes we all feel down and it doesn't help if there is lot of bickering and fighting in an support group like this one. I think I can relate to you very well, Chloe. Sometimes life can be hard, but if you are anything like me, I know you love your OM with all your heart, but you are just waiting for the right time for him to contact you. I don't think I ever changed the way about how I feel for my MM, its just that we did not trust each other fully to the extent we should have. We all make mistakes and learn from them, like I did, but never I did stop loving him or regret what we had before. I am waiting for MM to drop this wall he has built around himself and trust me before he contacts me. We have had NC for four months now. He has had situations and friends that betrayed his trust but he needs to figure out or understand for himself that I will never betray him or hurt him. He knows that in his heart, but is afraid to acknowledge it. I hope you will do the same, work on your life and wait for the right time. Sorry to ramble off like that, but I just wanted to let you know that there is somebody out there who knows what you feel. Take Care.

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