Confused About Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Confused About Marriage
8
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 11:52am
I'll try to keep this as short as possible, and hopefully someone can stick with me here and give me some advice!

I've been married for 4 years, together with DH for 8 years. While I love DH, I've been having a lot of ups and downs about him lately.

DH and I come from 2 very different backgrounds; I guess opposites really do attract! Some of our differences have eased over the years, while others have become more pronounced. Over the years, I've known there were things important to me that were missing, and haven't gotten any better. One of the biggest things is DH is very unemotional and matter of fact. It's almost impossible for him to be sensitive to things I'm going through, and so often in times of distress, feel like I'm alone. One of the other big things is the romance. I'm very much a hopeless romantic, so I'm sure that doesn't help, but I CRAVE more romance from DH; he's just not the buying flowers, saying romantic things kind of guy. I should probably also add that we've had some pretty serious problems in our marriage over the last couple of years (over money and a decision that was made to move cross country), which at one point, led to talk of divorce. We seem to have gotten past that, but I think, at least on my end, some of the fights and things said during fights damaged our marriage.

I've been spending a lot of time recently thinking about a couple of guys from my past. One of them was just a really good friend--nothing romantic/sexual between us ever; the other guy was my "first love". I had lost contact with both of these guys since hooking up with DH. The "friend" was wonderful! He was extremely sensitive to my needs and feelings. The "first love" was the epitomy of romance; roses all the time, dedications on the radio, poems. So I'm thinking that these guys may be on my mind because these are the things I'm not getting from DH.

This past weekend, I decided I would attempt to contact these guys, just to say "hi" and "how have you been". I got their email addresses, and sent off messages to both. I haven't heard back from the friend, but I heard back from the first love within a day. After hearing from him, I started feeling even more unhappy about my marriage. Then the next day, I was determined to make things work with DH. Then yesterday I go another message from first love; nothing romantic at all, like I said, we haven't talked in several years now (though we did remain friends after our break-up), and are catching up. After getting that message, I again thought about ending my marriage.

I've talked to my friends about this, and they have advised me to try to talk to DH about how I feel, and what I need from him. I did approach DH, and told him very nicely that I was really going to need his support in the near future (I just found out my Grandma is pretty ill; I'm very close to her, and am scared she's going to die). DH says he knows it's hard, but Grandma's old--she's going to die soon anyways. So much for asking for what I need!

So here I am; in love with DH, but unhappy about some aspects of our marriage, aspects that become more important to me as I get older. I would never physically cheat on him, but I feel I've begun to cheat on him emotionally. I can't imagine leaving him (I don't think I could hurt him like that), but at the same time, can't imagine living the rest of my life like this.

From reading many of the posts on this board, I can see that many of you have been through/are currently in unhappy relationships. Does anyone have any advice for me here?

Thanks so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 12:46pm
hello niffer and welcome. there are amazing people on this board for support and advice. hang in there and you'll get more replies as the day goes on.

onto your questions... you sound bored in your M. i've been there, done that girl. and now you're searching for old "friends and lovers." be careful. an emotional affair really messes up your head and the next thing you know, you're flying across the country (or wherever) to see him and one kiss leads to another, and so on....

you've been with your H for 8 years. you don't say if there are children, but still that's a long time together to think about throwing away. you knew your H wasn't the romatic type. i guess your first love spoiled you in that department and you've been longing for some romance since. ask for it. sit down and tell your H you feel neglected in that department. stopping to pick up flowers for you once in awhile isn't asking too much. arrange a night out at a low-lights, candles, table cloth-kind of restaurant. maybe with a piano lounge nearby and slow dance with your man.

marriage takes A LOT of work. put some effort into it and lead your H to where you need to go. if he gets the message and is more attentive, i believe you'll stop thinking about what might have been with those other guys and get back into your marriage.

i had 16 years married and tried and tried to bring my H around to what i needed, but just couldn't get him to listen and actually hear me. i wish i had tried harder, but....

don't let go of what you have for something that might be. think long and hard about what you want from your life before you pursue a relationship online with those other guys.

best of luck in the future,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 6:46pm
Hi and welcome,

Do you want your M to work? Are you willing to work at it and give it another shot? Or are you truly ready to leave?

I think sometimes just "telling" our H or OM what we want is not enough. Because even though we think we're being clear on what we want/need from our Rs, sometimes they don't understand what we're saying... yes, I TOLD H I wanted more flowers and romance, and every now and then he remembers flowers, but "romance" is far too vague a term for him. He doesn't "get" it. But he does "get" the phrases, "buy me that ring", "take me to dinner" and "plan a weekend away for us." Be specific.

If you feel like you just can't find a way to talk to your H so he understands, or maybe you're not understanding him, then I definitely recommend couseling. Sometimes having a 3rd party listen to how you communicate with each other can be helpful to you both.

If you've already made the decision to leave your M, then just do it... and don't wait or worry about whether either OM is going to come be your knight in shining armor... armor rusts... decide for yourself what you need to do to make you happy, then go for it.

good luck,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 7:42pm
Hi niffer and welcome,

I feel I could have written most of your post myself... DH and I are from very different backgrounds and while ititially it didn't effect anything... I think I changed more to fit in with him. But over time... I longed to be me and I think that DH has a lot of trouble with the more outspoken part of me.

DH can be very unemotional too... I learnt to live with it over the years... but it can still be very hard at times and I know that there were many times I felt I was truly alone. He too is not a romantic... and he doesn't even think about it... he worries what he can get me for my birthday and I never get anything... doesn't matter how many times I tell him that if he walked in with flowers or chocolate then I would be more than happy... just that he thought of me.

What you really need to decide... before things go too far... is how much you want your marriage. Talk to your DH... tell him what you need, how you feel and if that doesn't work then I highly recommend counselling. I wish that I had sort this avenue before things got out of hand for me... unfortunely the wall was up and no matter how hard I try... I can no longer bring it all they way down for me.

You really do need to sit down with him and tell him where you are at... otherwise he doesn't even have the chance to fix it... and if you love him... you owe him that.

let us know what you decided to do.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 5:00pm
Hello Niffer,

I am not currently in a bad relationship but have a few thoughts to offer about some portions of your post. I have been married, although divorced for a good while now.

I have always been in relationships outside of my race, background, culture, etc. IMHO after 12 years, you should be at a point to accept those differences "if" you want the relationship because there will never a complete merger of such differences...you can't adopt someone else's background. Even if you embrace a culture, you can't experience "everything" as they would or completely understand everything. So this is not to make light of your position, but you were with this man for a long time before you decided to marry so these background differences should be viewed as there to stay IMHO.

Now the "matter of fact, unemotional" aspect. See although I am a woman, I am very matter of fact - that's how my brain works. I understand when people are more emotional and want more sensitive responses because it makes them feel better to believe that those closest to them are "feeling" what they are and they are "sharing" the ordeal. But in a true sense, that isn't possible. I can understand "how" a person feels (sometimes it requires them telling me LOL) but I can't guarantee a "like" reaction. To put this differently, "you" try to react and think like your H. It is rather like someone telling you to take a screw and wind your brain backwards. LOL So it is bad when someone feels alone, but I would think about whether you are feeling alone "because" you want him to feel/react as "you" would and not because you are truly alone.

WRT romance, being with someone who is not a "hopeless romantic" is a common complaint. But even if you present clear communication about some of the things you desire, you generally can't turn a non-romantic into a hopeless romantic. At best, you can reach a middle ground where you both are comfortable with the level of romance. If you believe that it "should" be done, then you try to become a non-romantic. I have been with "hopeless romantics" and while I can appreciate that they are that way, I can't become one myself. I enjoy romance but too much is like walking into a room with too many flowers...too many aromas and I get a headache. LOL

I believe that talking to your H is a good idea, but "you" need to be realistic about the "results" of such a talk. Saying what you need does not automatically mean you get it the way you want, especially if what you need is someone with a different personality and background. :-)

IMHO, I believe that when you two first talk it should be about some of those fights and things that were said because if you already feel/know that some things are beyond repair, then all of the romance in the world isn't going to change that.

There is a difference between being matter of fact and insensitive and you should differentiate between the two when talking to your H.

I really don't have any comments or advice about the people you are contacting. I am just offering you a possible view of another side to your complaints. I will say one last thing though and I don't mean it to be cruel in any respect. If YOU want to end your marriage, I wouldn't be too worried about your H surviving it. He will not only survive it but he will also get over it. In fact, his "matter of fact" personality will probably make it easier him to do so than most... So in conclusion, I guess that my advice is to decide what you actually want, what is realistic, and then make your decisions. But you know sometimes people have relationships with voids because they "choose" to have relationships with voids...

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 10:47pm
Wow, i have been reading posts here for a while, but this one hits close to home, I too am confused with my marriage, and you all say figure out what u want. How do u do that?! I have been married for 18 years, 2 beautiful kids, and basically happy. My hubby is very romantic and loves me very much & provides well (we own our own biz and I don't have to work) The ONE MAIN prob is he drinks, he use to go out to bars and drink w/ the guys, but he quit 10 years ago when he realized how bad it hurt me. But he still drinks at home and when we go out. I can't invite any friends over or to go eat with us, because none of them drink and i never know how he's going to act. I DO NOT LIKE HIM when he's drinking. But all the other times he is a perfect husband and father, hard worker, takes pride in our house and yard. So whats my prob, I've met someone by volunteering and we have same interests and have begin chatting online. He's reminds me of my DH but he does not drink or smoke. He has recently mention very strong interest in me and now i'm having mixed feelings. I do not want to have an affair but OM did kiss me and i liked it. I am finding myself not having any feelings toward my DH. Is it possible to just STOP loving someone? or do ur feeling just get pushed aside when new feelings pop up? I have thought what it would do and what i have to loose (broken familys) if i get a divorce. But i feel so unhappy, My DH has noticed and is scared to death of loosing me, he has done everything right for the last 6 mo and I still feel cold toward him. I do not want to hurt him, How do I get those feelings back for him? or how do u know when its time to move on? or on the other hand how do u handle an affair and keep ur heart from wanting to go be with the OM all the time? I am asking this for niffer too before she gets involved with her old flame.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 1:34pm
Hello Overwhelmed,

Reading some of these posts are making me confused. LOL

You know, we are not robots programmed to only respond to one person, whether it is enjoying someone's company, stimulating conversation, and/or sexual attraction. So IMHO that in itself does not mean that we automatically care for someone else less, or not at all.

According to your post, your entire marriage, family, and social life is structured to deal with/accommodate your H's drinking. So even if he is on his "best" behavior, his drinking dictates the structure for your marriage.

It seems to me that what is needed here is professional help for him to deal with his drinking and a support group for you to deal with the repercussions of his drinking because it isn't just "his" problem when you live with him. Another thing to consider is perhaps "you" should begin reconnecting socially with your friends instead of the isolation you currently have in place. A drinking problem is not something where you can "tell" him what you need and expect results. That is like you having an illness and someone else telling you how they need you to feel while you are sick...

While I won't comment on whether people "fall" in and out of love like a switch can be thrown, I do believe that emotions can be taxed to the point where they need to be built up again or will disappear/change. However, IMHO, that means first addressing the problem at hand and not trying to work on everything else but...

Take care!

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 5:18pm
Overwhelmed,

I have to agree with Rose regarding your husband's drinking. If you're having to make any type of accomodations around his drinking, it's definitely a problem. When hubby and I started dating, we were in our early 20's, both liked to "party" a lot. The older I got, the less I drank, but hubby kept right on drinking, sometimes staying out all night because he'd gotten so drunk, and couldn't drive. I finally blew a gasket; I didn't consider him an alcoholic, but definitely thought that he shouldn't be "partying" to that extent anymore. We sat down and had a serious discussion, and while he still may have a couple of beers on a Saturday night, he seldom drinks more than that, and never stays out all night with his friends anymore.

As far as falling out of love with someone, I think it can happen. There's a difference between "loving" someone, and "being in love". I think it can particularly easy to fall out of love with someone that you've had a lot of problems with over the years, and possibly built up some resentment towards. Your anger at things that have been said and done builds up, and though you may still love that person, it's just not the same feeling anymore.

I would strongly encourage you to look at your feelings for hubby, and determine whether or not you think your relationship can be salvaged. If you really don't think it can, then perhaps you should separate, and see how things go.

For those of you who gave me such wonderful advice regarding my original post, I have an update.

While I haven't went into "extreme" detail, I have told my hubby that I contacted both of these guys. He knows I was friends at one time with them both, and was surprised that I'd decided to get in touch with them after several years, but not upset. I've also sat down with hubby and talked about a few of the things that have really been bothering me. I feel better having talked to him, and while we still have some work to do, I think things are looking better for us.

Thanks for all your advice and good wishes:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 12:25am
WOW, thank you both for ur responses, it's as if u both know me and my situation so well. And just hearing the feedback has made me think. ALOT. Niffer I'm glad u told ur DH how ur feeling. and if he loves u it will wake him up. I will keep reading and hopefully learning. thanks again.