Is he for real?
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Is he for real?
| Thu, 07-31-2003 - 1:04pm |
Hi I'm new to the board and would like your opinion:
My husband of 22 years left me and our three teens last year. I let my long-distance friends know and a man I had known briefly emailed me back that he'd been separated 8 months from his wife of 30 years. His children are grown.
We emailed daily and called each other over the last two plus months. He is a "big wig" in the military, stationed in Europe. He proposed marriage and I accepted. We were deeply in love, communicated about everything- likes, dislikes, religion, we got along and laughed and cried, connected and expressed our love daily, sent gifts. He spoke to my children and they accepted him, he called me at work and made friends with my friends on the phone.
His wife is giving him a hard time and stalling the divorce. He had to fire his lawyer and hire a new one. We made plans to see each other, then he changed his mind and said he couldn't contact me again until after his divorce was final... he's a Catholic, with a very strong set of values and many medals to prove "good conduct"... I didn't want to commit adultery and neither did he...
it's been a week since I've heard from him... I told him I wouldn't contact him... and I won't... now I'm suffering, I miss him, I love him. He and I are very mature and successful in our careers, stable and understanding people... this is not a "fling", or infatuation. He is 8 years older than me and that worries him! My ex was 8 years older than me.
This wonderful man turns 50 next month. He's lost a lot of weight and has gotten in terrific shape so I know there's some "mid-life" stuff going on... he's been 8000 miles away from his wife for 10 months. He told me their marriage has been over for years, he feels nothing for her, but that she's vindictive and will cause major problems if she finds out about me... so for many reasons he's asked me to wait for him.
He told me he wanted to be free by the end of this year because the stress (she calls him and yells at him) is too much. He wants to move where I live and has talked about plans for the future. How do I wait without going nuts? I truely love him as I have never, ever loved before.
Thanks friends, Annie
My husband of 22 years left me and our three teens last year. I let my long-distance friends know and a man I had known briefly emailed me back that he'd been separated 8 months from his wife of 30 years. His children are grown.
We emailed daily and called each other over the last two plus months. He is a "big wig" in the military, stationed in Europe. He proposed marriage and I accepted. We were deeply in love, communicated about everything- likes, dislikes, religion, we got along and laughed and cried, connected and expressed our love daily, sent gifts. He spoke to my children and they accepted him, he called me at work and made friends with my friends on the phone.
His wife is giving him a hard time and stalling the divorce. He had to fire his lawyer and hire a new one. We made plans to see each other, then he changed his mind and said he couldn't contact me again until after his divorce was final... he's a Catholic, with a very strong set of values and many medals to prove "good conduct"... I didn't want to commit adultery and neither did he...
it's been a week since I've heard from him... I told him I wouldn't contact him... and I won't... now I'm suffering, I miss him, I love him. He and I are very mature and successful in our careers, stable and understanding people... this is not a "fling", or infatuation. He is 8 years older than me and that worries him! My ex was 8 years older than me.
This wonderful man turns 50 next month. He's lost a lot of weight and has gotten in terrific shape so I know there's some "mid-life" stuff going on... he's been 8000 miles away from his wife for 10 months. He told me their marriage has been over for years, he feels nothing for her, but that she's vindictive and will cause major problems if she finds out about me... so for many reasons he's asked me to wait for him.
He told me he wanted to be free by the end of this year because the stress (she calls him and yells at him) is too much. He wants to move where I live and has talked about plans for the future. How do I wait without going nuts? I truely love him as I have never, ever loved before.
Thanks friends, Annie

i'm sorry your so troubled with your relationship... he sounds like a very caring man... i'm not sure i have much advice on how to wait without going nuts though... i know it can be difficult to be in limbo like you are... i hope that by giving him the space he needs he will soon be able to contact you... don't know what else to offer but hugs and a good ear to listen...
opus
It sounds to me like MM has told you what he can give you now. So you have a choice: you can either wait or you can move on. Only you can decide if that is something you can handle.
If you read the other posts, you will see that many MMs promise that they will divorce. It doesn't seem to happen overnight and it isn't certain that they will. And even if he does go through with the D, is it certain that he will want to get involved seriously with another woman so quickly? And will the D be at the end of the year, or several years down the road?
It sounds like there is a lot of uncertainty about his future with his W, where he decides to live, your R, etc. Have you discussed your expectations with MM? Do you want to see him casually if and when he is free? Or do you expect him to, for lack of better words, replace your H? Are you comfortable waiting for him with all of this uncertainty?
You say your H left you -- how have you coped with that? Was it a mutual separation? Have you considered talking to someone, maybe a counselor? Someone who could help you work through this difficult time in your life?
If I understand correctly, you haven't been intimate yet with MM. So even if you are "in love" you haven't spent a lot of face to face time with him. This may or may not distort your perception of him. You haven't had to deal with all of his particularities, nor has he had to deal with yours. ---remember all of the things that drove you crazy about H?
Another thing, you have recently separated. You can get out and enjoy yourself, and do all of the things that you never would have done with H -- invite the friends over he never liked, go out to new places, take a trip, etc... Do you see where I'm going with this?
If you embrace your new life, rather than pine for one that you cannot have in the present, you will be happier. It doesn't mean that you should give up on MM, but you should accept that your R with him is uncertain and only in the beginning stages.
Your 3 teens need a happy mother!
Don't feel compelled to answer my questions, they were more to make you reflect than anything else...
We'll be here to support you!
Hugs,
Alameda
I don't think I can offer you much advice. When you are seperated from the one you love it is never easy and there is no trick to make the time pass. Please know that you can come here and we will listen and support you all we can. Take care and sending you hugs. DAF
i guess when it comes to waiting for your MM... it has to be a decision that you make... only you can know if you can handle waiting for him to get his ducks in a row so to speak... if he's as honorable as he seems... he will be back in touch with you and not be looking for someone else.... as for the no contact... i have not had that in my R but i have had period where OM asked to take a break and i gracefully backed off and gave him that space but still remained his friend... but with time he came back to wanting more... sometimes that little bit of space is good... don't look at this as a bad time... use this time to focus on yourself and your daughters... healing from your separation and try to find some happiness in other areas of life... it will only make you a better happier person when MM contacts you again...
take care
opus