In love but scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In love but scared
6
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 7:32pm
I am new to this. Just last week, I slept with a dear friend for the first time - it was truly an expression of our love for one another. Our friendship was truly based on friendship, not lust, but our feelings grew - not a flirtation, but truly love feelings. We discussed it at length for a long time, and we finally decided that it was going to be fine and so we did it. It was wonderful and loving, and he told me that he felt that it only deepened our connection and we both agreed that our connection was deep and would be lifelong. The day after, he reiterated how much and how deeply he loves me, and I have no doubt that he is telling me the truth.

But we are both married to others.

It is not as if I am looking for a fling, and it is not as if I am looking for a new spouse. But it seemed that the way to express our love for one another was physically.

I feel wonderful about my relationship with my dear friend. But I am confused. I see talk of rollercoasters and ups and downs and mood swings. And it just doesn't seem to ring true at all - I don't understand how and why these ups and downs occur because my dear friend and I are so steady, and he has always been so loyal and there for me.

Am I just asking for an emotional beating by having this relationship with my dear friend? Can a pure and seemingly innocent love turn into something so tumultuous as what I see on this board?

I am scared.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 7:52pm
Hi EO and welcome,

hmmm... how can I start this... I was going to say that it may really just depend on your emotional state of mind... but I am a very strong person emotionally and I must admit that I certainly am on the rollercoaster ride of my life.

The ups occur when you have spent time with the other person and all feels so wonderful and perfect... the downs... usually when things aren't going right and you feel the need to have them close but you cant. Obviously there are other factors to bring on the ups and downs... but that's just a way of explaining them.

One thing that can also effect these dramitically is your home life and your marriage... which you actually didn't say a lot about. Most woman on this board are not happy in their M's and this therefore can bring on the down ride by having problems at home and wanting to be with their MM/OM... am I making sense??? however if you are mostly content with your marriage... which there are some that are... even though they make still have the down effect at times... it may not be so obvious.

I think that you can keep things in proportion and have it all... but I also believe that it will take a lot of work. While you may not feel now that it won't be a big rollercoaster... be prepared... just in case.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 10:01pm
Hi eternal,

Welcome to the board. I think Sweet summed up the ups and downs rather well, but I thought I might add something here.

I think you are confusing the attributes of friend with a lover. With friends, rarely do we worry about jealousy, the future, how much s/he feels cares about you, whether or not the friendship will last, etc. With a lover, there are all of these issues and more. Most of the people on this board are not only in physical A's, but emotional ones as well. It is when you bring the emotions in, that things start to get tricky...

Although you and MM mutually decided to take your R to the next level, this may not always be the case. There may come a time when you want more out of the EMA than he does. Or vice versa. Or, on the other end, one of you may decide that you want out of the EMA. And even though you didn't mention much about your Ms, there may come a time when one of you wants to focus on improving the M, or on the other extreme, wants a D.

But for now, you are only in the beginning stages, and I think it is best to just be honest with one another and know your expectations for the EMA.

I wish you luck, and we are here to support you,

Alameda



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 11:28am
welcome optimist. your EMA sounds incredible!

don't be scared. every EMA/A is different. yours seems to be on a good even keel and obviously you both are going into it with your eyes wide open. most of us on the board experience ups and downs (or highs and lows, thus the rollercoaster referred to) during our EMA/A because emotions get involved and deepen and grow over time and the R changes from sex and fun to wanting more and more and that "L" word becomes involved.

i'm pretty well able to keep my feelings compartmentalized, but sometimes even i get depressed because i love two men and can't fully commit to either one of them. it can get confusing and overwhelming at times. but i try to step back and look realistically at my situation and know that my MM is my sometimes love and my BF is my all-the-time love.

enjoy your time with your MM,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 7:31pm
Such great advice ladies.......thank you. Any other opinions? I am really greatful for the perspectives I am gaining here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 7:35pm
Hi,



You are playing with fire and many more people will be hurt by your actions considered this before contuining any further. Have a good weekend.




Bert

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 7:46pm
For me, the ups and downs come from the necessary restrictions we have on talking to each other and seeing each other.

I'm the type of person that blurts, lol. I have a thought and I want to share it. Right then, right there, lol. And I can't always call OM with that thought. If I'm at home, I can't call because H will hear (he's unemployed, so he's home all the time). If I'm out and about and have this earth-shattering thought, lol, I can call OM so long as it's inside a particular window. I can't even always email him, because I know that after a certain time, his g/f is home and he won't be online, so I have to wait until I see him at work that night, or if one of us is off, the email I send won't be seen until about noon the next day.

If I'm having a bad day, I can't just go into his office and ask for a hug or conversely, if something wonderful happens, I have to minimize that, too...there's no problem, per se, with us having a relationship because we're in the same level of management over separate teams, but since I'm M, it's unseemly, so we have to play it cool at work, too. He also lives over an hour away from me, so I can't just pop over to see him. Not to mention he lives with his g/f, so that wouldn't do at ALL for me to go there....neighbors!! (Including his ex and adult daughter who live in the same neighborhood, although I know his daughter from work and at least she likes me. Hope she still does when she finds out I'm sleeping with her dad - I'm closer to her age than his, lol!!!)

Those are the things that bring me down...enforced NC for the little things in life that, to me, enhance and further a relationship. But the UPS are so damn good that, at least for me, more than make up for those pesky downs.

Lucky