EXPRESSION...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
EXPRESSION...
9
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 9:29am
I just had to share with all of you the experience I had with my OM last night. A little background...I'm happily married and he's engaged...we've been seeing each other for over a year now. I've known him almost all of my life throughout which I carried the most enormous crush on him...our paths crossed after 10 yrs in Spring 2002 and we just couldnt resist the temptation...

Now on to my story...from the postings I read I know Im not the only one dealing with the "love" thing. I sense that many of you are in the same spot I've been in for months now, feeling it and trying not to say it. Well, this week I had enough of the stress and frustration and I decided to tell him exactly how I was feeling, exactly what I needed from him and exactly what my outlook was about our relationship in it's entirety. Knowing I would fail miserably at saying exactly what I wanted to say I wrote him a letter, edited it all day long and drank 3 beers before I could actually hand it to him. The time it took him to read that letter felt like an eternity but when he turned and smiled at me, it was worth every minute I waited.

I just want to say that expressing who you are, what you need and how you feel is vital in the success of any relationship. I have been driving myself completely insane stressing over my "slip-ups" of saying "I love you" on a couple of occassions lately. Something in my head convinced me that there was something wrong with me saying that to him and I feared he would think I was getting too serious and walk. Last night during our conversation I learned alot about our relationship that I had never noticed before. He brought up the fact that our relationship is like a fantasy, the best of the best. We have a great time and share a great sexual connection and with that has grown a love that we cant help but take with us when we part. He was excited and honored to finally have me express myself to him. But he also reminded me that I was the one who had set all the boundaries and made all the rules since I was the married one. I never saw this before last night and without taking the first step toward untangling this mess of feelings I had I never would have.

We all take chances to be in these EMAs but yet we are reluctant to take any chances to improve them. We all seem to sit back overanalyzing some of the most important factors in our relationship. My question to all of you is this...what do you truly share with someone if you can't find the courage to share who you truly are with them...if we can't share our thoughts, our emotions and our intentions with the ones we say we love how do we ever expect growth in our relationships? Take a chance ladies, because if you can't express who you are, then what are you truly gaining from this experience?

*hugs*

Liberal

Avatar for imopus
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 9:49am
well said! i'm so glad you expressed what you are feeling with om and it went so well... i'm pretty confortable with my feelings for om and we have had some talks... but perhaps when i get back from my vacation in two weeks i will have to express a bit more... you inspired me with your muse... thanks,

opus
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 9:52am
Lib - thanks so much for sharing that story! I LOVE it when something great like that happens! And it was such a good reminder that even though some of us ARE living a fantasy, that we still have to be ourselves. Thanks again!!

And may I add that I did something similar this week - but I actually got up the nerve to do it in person. I just needed to know for my own well-being if there was more to this than sex. So, I asked. And found out that he really does care for me and has feelings for me - what a relief!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 9:58am
Glad to hear you were able to do it in person...I would have been able to get into the conversation but I wouldnt have ever covered everything I had to say so well and so thoroughly...My thoughts are much more collected in writing and besides, I have a tendency to cry which would have only complicated the discussion...way to go ladies!

Liberal

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 10:04am
Wow, thanks for that great post, it really inspired me and hopefully I will find the same courage as you and tell my MM just how I feel for him. We are taking such baby steps with one another. He just told me last night that he wanted to see me more "without" having sex as he didn't want me to think this was all he wanted from this relationship. I'm SO careful of my feelings and I especially don't want to scare him off, so to speak. But I find myself saying I love you aloud all the time to my myself, especially right when I get off the phone with him and we always pause at the end of our conversations...before we say goodbye, almost like we both want to say it but are just too afraid. Maybe I will take your advice and write it all down....and the three beers aren't altogether a bad idea either...lol. Thanks for the post, it really brightened by day!!!!

{{Hugs}}

ARH

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 10:19am
The 3 beers helped, trust me, but I was in the mindset to deliver that letter no matter how hard it was...he wanted to keep it.lol...he could have I edited it to be sure there were no names or anything that would peg him or I, but I shredded it on my way home, no more letter for evidence...lol ....cover those tracks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 10:55am
Hey Lib, thanks for sharing!

I was where you were some time ago. I felt we were getting closer, but I feared letting MM know how I felt. I also wrote MM a letter to be sure I would express exactly how I was feeling and how I thought of him, and I worried how he would take it...and of course I felt vulnerable.

For me, it was a turning point in gradually letting the walls down. While I always trusted MM, and knew he wouldn't discount what I felt, I did have a hard time in opening up with him before that.

And you know, I've come to understand that I've been this way in my marriage. If I would have been more open from the beginning (well, and not so naive, lol), perhaps I wouldn't have allowed disrespect from H. I broke the pattern and am completely honest with H about what I will and will not accept in D...some might argue it's giving him ammunition, but it's actually empowering for me.

Sometimes we allow ourselves to play mindgames with our own minds. The *what ifs* and *should I or shouldn't I's*, analayzing, imagining scenerios where we don't know what will happen unless it actually happens. If we open up and talk about who we are deep down, regardless of their reaction, we are being honest to ourselves; and if we aren't completely honest with ourselves, how can we expect someone else to be honest and open. Regardless of their reaction (whether it's what we want to hear or not), we are learning and growing within ourselves.

That's exactly it, Lib - we are taking risks in being in an EMA physically, but we don't risk who we are mentally. If we love someone unconditionally, then it's not really a risk...we love that person for who they are and how they feel independently of who we are and how we feel.

Lib, it sounds like you're on a good journey - you're driving along in your convertible with the top down letting the wind blow the cobwebs out, your tires are pretty balanced (always considered you were balanced), and I think you've thrown that map out and know it doesn't matter so much where you're going as long as the journey is enjoyable. I'm happy to see you on that road!

Thanks again for sharing, Lib, and thanks for the opportunity to express myself.

Meow





iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 11:21am
Wow Lib, I applaud you for your strength to just "jump" out there with your feelings. Like you, I am much better at writing my feelings on paper...I always screw up or chicken out when it is time to really talk about what I feel. I have been overwhelmed with wanting to tell MM how I feel, but lacking the courage to take that step. However, your story has given me more motivation now than ever to get everything I have to say off my chest. Phone conversations always end with the same pause that Prettyribbons talked about. Like we were saying I love you silently. I know MM is not the most vocal person when it comes to his feelings, so maybe he is just waiting for me!

Getting my paper and pencil ready........

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 11:32am
I'm just happy to see someone else has felt that little pause at the end of a conversation...LOL. I've thought over and over...is it just me? Am I nuts or what? And I do...always think it to myself, just am to afraid to say it, plus I don't want to say it over the phone for the first time!! Good Luck Lil!!

ARH

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 11:36am
yes pretty, i definitely feel the "pause" while ending our conversations. we're trying not to say it. it will complicate our relationship even more than it is now. i always want to be honest and tell my guy how i feel, just hasn't been the right time yet. but i feel it coming....

take care,

gurl