emotional

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
emotional
6
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 8:13pm
Hi. I'm new here. Looking for someone who can relate to me and maybe help me sort out what's going on in my head. I guess I'll start at the beginning.

I'm 34 now. When I was about 20 I was engaged to a super guy. We were more in love than I've ever, even to this day, seen two people. We had been dating for about 2 years. A little less than a year into our relationship I got pregnant. My parents were pissed about it and I was forced into having an abortion. I know....how can you be "forced"? Well, my father was very domineering and very intimidating. I've always, every single day, regretted doing that. But somehow my relationship with this guy survived and we were still going to get married as soon as finances were steady. He moved away for a job and I was going to move with him after I had finished the semester in college that I was in. The day before Spring Break that semester, he called me and told me that he had a one-night stand with another woman and she ended up pregnant and he had to marry her. The marriage did not last. After his divorce, he tracked me down (I was still in college and living alone). He called me from a block away from my place and I said I didn't want to see him. Just seconds after hanging up the phone, I changed my mind and ran to where he had called me from and he had already left. Shortly after that he met who was to become his second wife and they got married. They have no children together; he has his, she has hers. When the internet became 'the norm' I tried in vain many many times to find him. I miserably got on with my life always thinking about him and what should have been. I am now married and have 2 daughters.

Sorry this is getting so long.

Fast forward to last fall...He found me through one of those classmate reunion websites and e-mailed me. I was floored! So we continued our online banter, getting reaquainted and reminiscing. When his wife discovered this, she called my husband. She was very upset, but my husband felt it was nothing threatening. The e-mail and online chats stopped. For a while.

Ok... This past Thursday I went to see him. We spent about 5 hours together; one at a restaurant bar and the rest at a park. We talked about everything in our past and everything now. I swear the love I have always had for him that has been somewhat buried came to the forefront and it's just astounding! We still love each other. I know in my heart and soul that he is my soulmate and he's always felt the same. Then he held me and it felt perfect. I never wanted to be out of his arms. Then we kissed. OMG I want to be with him forever. We were meant to be together.

What do I do? I've always been the one that 'got dumped'. I don't know how to leave. My husband is a great guy in his own ways but it's never felt right to me. We got married because I got pregnant. We've had our problems, some of which were valid grounds to leave him but I didn't partly out of fear. I had nowhere to go. My parents are both deceased and I don't have a lot of other viable options.

God, I'm confused. Can anyone help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 4:04pm
Dear Finding,

Welcome to the board. You have a very interesting

story. The timing just never seemed to work out for

you. The phone call that you tried to recover from

was so wistful. I could imagine him running down the

street in tears too.

Is there any reason you need to take immediate action

on anything? You say you are relatively happy with

your H. Your other guy is in a stable marriage, but

since he sought you out, you obviously mean something

to him, to each other.

Why do anything rash right now? Especially along the

lines of getting a D? Let this simmer a bit, try to

ignore your heart a little and think coldly and

rationally. When I have a big decision, and have the

luxury of time, I like to revisit the idea several

times over several days. I like to see if my mood

changes anything, or if I think up any new angles.

Sometimes this happens and I am glad I took my time.

Yes, you want to be with him forever. Is that possible?

What would that entail? Does he want that too?

I know it is all a timing thing, but you would be #3

for him, if that is a concern to you. I can see the emotion

in your post, and since you posted here, you may feel

an affair is immenent. It may be, think through all this

will entail, and how you will handle it. The ride can

get rougher. Read the other posts.

I think you need to let this thing evolve. Give it time.

I doubt it will go away. You will need to decide eventually,

but take your time. Make the right choice.

Just my thoughts, good luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 4:16pm
Hi Finding, and welcome.

I second Desert's suggestion about taking your time. There seems to be a lot going on with you, emotionally, and I strongly recommend you take the time to let things simmer down in your own head and heart enough to begin sorting through them.

First of all, I find your history both interesting and contradictory (not in the sense of belief, but in the sense of actions taken). Why was OM "obligated" to marry the one-night-stand who got pregnant, but not the girl (you) with whom he had a long-term R? You don't have to answer that, it just jumped out at me as an odd twist in logic on his part, and possibly his family's.

Second, you may or may not be feeling love, but you're definitely feeling a lot of wishful thinking for what might have been. There is no guarantee that had you married him at 20 that you would not be D today. Rs take work, no matter how "perfect" the match may appear to be.

Third, have you thought at all about the risk you might be taking by pursuing an EMA with him? Mainly, are you really, truly prepared to give up your M and your life as you know it to try to make a go of it w/MM? Is he? Because even if neither of you ever intend to leave your Ms, by having an EMA you *do* put it at risk. If H finds out, what will his reaction be? Can you live with the fallout?

I am not saying any of this to dissuade you from having an EMA... this is all just to help you think through what your actions might be, and what the repurcussions might be. You sound like you're not ready to go blindly forward but you don't know what else to do, and that is why Desert's suggestion of leaving it all alone for a while and taking time to sort through this stuff is critical. Getting caught up in an emotional whirlwind is easy. Dealing with it rationally is.

Whatever you decide, good luck to you. We are here to support you as you need it!

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 5:32pm
Hello Finding,

You know the thing that jumps out most to me is that this was a person who you had a relationship with for some time, at least 2 years, but at every point of actually being together, one makes the decision to turn away and the other accepts it. I don't see this as bad timing but conscious decisions in given circumstances.

Your post makes it seem as if circumstances got in the way, but when you look closer, it wasn't the circumstances but the decisions that were made. I believe that you should think carefully about "how" you want this person in your life again, and this is not just WRT an affair. I fear that walking away in a time of stress or upheaval is common for both of you. You say he married the one-night stand due to pregnancy but it isn't clear what the state of your relationship was where he left and then ended the relationship without even discussing the situation with you. I can see him marrying someone due to a pregnancy, but I am a little hard pressed to see him trashing and disrepecting an existing relationship with little more than "gotta go, see ya" to do so - much less for a "one night stand". You know, you mentioned your pressure to have an abortion, but you don't mention his viewpoint.

I find it sad that the rest of your life is described as miserable...one person should not be the deal breaker to your happiness.

You also said that the communication stopped for a while because of his wife's influence. Obviously your H has no problem with you having friends, but this does make me question the on again, off again relationship that you and the OM have with any type of pressure. Do you want that again?

To be totally honest here, if you are with your H out of fear, your track history with this OM should scare you even more if you are contemplating a future with him. If it takes a semester to end one relationship when you were supposedly preparing for that one's future, then "shortly" after one contact you are remarried, it just doesn't sound like there is a lot of staying power there and it doesn't sound like being on your own is an option here...

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 3:13pm
Peace,Desert has the idea. Let me tell you a similar story and what I have done, then you take it from there.I dated Chris all thru my teenage years. Lost my virginity to him, senior year. I joined the Navy and we stuck it out, still together. He was the love of my life. At 21, faithful pill taker, had surgery and had been given antibiotics, unknown at the time. I went home to him for my convalescence and.... Yep, you guessed it, GOT pregnant. I went back to Puerto Rico where I was still in the Navy. This time though, I broke up with him due to lack of commitment. 6 years together and no real talk of marriage. Still, I knew he dearly loved me. Anyway, 9 weeks later, with a stomachache, found out I was pregnant. At my 13th week informed my parents, who were horribly pissed, but who cared about that, they were 3000 miles away at the time.I was still debating what I was going to do. Yes, I wascontemplating an abortion, as much as I still loved Chris. Due to a little church influence and several drop in visits from my preacher, I decided I "had to tell Chris." So at about my 15th week, I called him.He was very hurtful that day. He asked me if I was sure it was his. My response, "Well,........it's mine and that is really all I need to say to you, consider yourself informed. I wound up in a traumatic emergency surgery at 19 weeks and lost the baby just at 20. I know some of the emotions you feel, some I don't. But, I decided that it was best that I turn it over to God and not judge myself anymore. For he truly has his reasons....and that I believe. Chris and I didn't talk for sometime, I met Duane and dated him for about a year and was then married to him. I did have contact with Chris while I dated Duane and even when I married him. Just an occassional phone conversation, nothing more.However, I married Duane and I did love him. But, it took a while for me to realize that I so badly was longing to be "in love with him." Duane and I seperated in March of 1994. Chris and my conversations persisted and became daily. I was torn between getting out of the Navy and going home to Missouri or staying in and having to deal with my soon to be ex-husband living right on top of me. Chris for the first time offered input, "Come home to me, where you belong." So, in July of 1994, I packed my life back to Missouri, still legally seperated. Chris was back in my life the minute I crossed the state line. Due to some medical reasons, my husband had asked not to pursue the divorce until he got his health back in order. So, Chris and I carried on our lives together, me still legally married. In May of 1996, my husbands surgery went well and he then filed for divorce, which takes about 6 months to finalize in the state we had lived in. Chris' mother became ill in June and was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. It was a hell of a time for all. Chris and I had been living together since I had moved back to Missouri. On August 26th, we went to bed laughing and cutting up as we always had. He tells me,"tomorrow, I am going to marry Amy." Amy was a girl he never had a nice word to say about. Then I said, "okay, when you do, let me know and I will find some young stud to replace you." We both snickered and kissed goodnight. However, he got really weird and took my face in his hand and said, "I love you T------M.W-------, always have and I always will. I will leave this world loving you." I came home from work the next day and he didn't. He had taken off to Illinois and married her. That was August 27,96. He married her because he wanted his mother to know he would be taken care of. My divorce was finalized on November 10, 96. His mother passed away on Dec. 26, 96.Hell of a story huh? I didn't speak to him for over 4 years. We now get together secretly and have coffee together. We laugh, we cry, we ask each other those have to know questions. And he tries every now and then to kiss me or touch me and I retreat unscathed. However, I tell him. I am glad with this. We truly will be in love forever. But, I am happy that we never took the opportunity to destroy that. I am glad we are, where we are. I will always be in love with him and I am almost always thankful that God didn't grant us an opportuity to destroy that love. It will forever go unchanged. See my point?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 12:44am
Thank you all for your replies. You've each given me some helpful insight and advice. I truly have a lot to think about. I know in my original post I didn't explain the situation very well. Lots of racing thoughts and wild emotions happening at the moment I wrote it. So there are some points missing, some of which you may have questioned. And I am thinking through those points and trying to answer each question in my mind honestly.

Have you ever wondered at some point "am I being honest", and really not known the answer? Like you've been kidding yourself and 'playing the game' with someone for so long that it just seems honest? But there's that something inside your head, heart, soul, or whatever that says 'um, excuse me, but this just isn't YOU'. This is how I feel in my marriage now. And it's not because of Tony; I've been feeling this way for several years now. But now that Tony has re-emerged, it's all brought to a head and it's seemingly do or die time.

I want to separate from my husband so I can figure out my wants and needs. I just don't know what to say or how to do it. I've been a stay-at-home mom for over a year now so I don't have my own income. I am starting to look for part-time work now though, in hopes of saving some money for me and the girls just in case. But I don't know where to go if we separate. My family is 8+ hours away, I have no close friends nearby.

Oh geez...

I really just wanted to thank everyone who replied. I appreciate it.

hugs,

L.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 2:00pm
Tmw,

Nicely said. I am going to save this post for a

long time. Thanks...