I'm new - need help in a big way
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| Sat, 08-02-2003 - 6:38am |
I married my husband when I was barely 20 and 8 months pregnant with our 1st (of three) children. We've been married 6 1/2 years now and it's been a decent marriage. Neither of us has been unfaithful and we get along for the most part. But there is no passion left at all. About a year ago he told me he wanted to be 'separated' but neither of us was going to move out or act differently or anything for the children's sake (2, 5, and 6). I was crushed. I knew we had problems but on the whole we make a good team. Not coincedentally at about the same time I noticed the attraction and affection of a co-worker. The whole time-period was very difficult for me. I suffer severe depression and occassionally am suicidal. At this particular time in my life I was extremely suicidal and this man at work is the only reason I am alive today.
My husband has no interest whatsoever in the things I enjoy and I have spent the better part of our marriage getting interested in his hobbies and fields of interest. (Not that he's noticed my efforts.) One of my greatest passions is literature and (surprise) so was this guy's at work. It started innocently enough with our disscussion of favorite books and authors and kind of morphed into the kind of flirtation that makes you feel just wonderful. He said all the right things at all the right times to make me feel not just attractive but worthwhile. He literally pulled me back from the brink of suicide without knowing it.
This OM is also married and we both knew the other's marital status. Neither of us intended for the relationship to extend beyond the flirtation stage. And it didn't really. We went out after work together a few times and we did kiss on two occasions, but that was as far as it ever went. We both (well, okay, him more than me) decided we were heading down a dangerous path and needed to back off.
But now, almost a year later, I still cannot work side by side with this man without wishing I had been with him. Not only that but I still want to restart something with him, even if it is just the drinks after work we used to have.
I feel like my husband has neglected me for so long I am dead inside. I feel nothing for him at all. Just a dull kind of fondness for the father of my children. But I feel such passion for this OM I just can't seem to get past it. I have never, ever felt so passionately for anyone (emotionally and physically). I quite literally feel a physical electricity whenever I'm near him.
I want to invite this man out again. I don't know that I want to have an affair, but I keep fantasizing about what life could be like if I was with him. I want to at least go out with him again because I feel so dead inside right now I could really use the kind of conversations we used to have. I know it's not smart but at this point I don't know that I even care. I don't want to hurt him or his family nor do I want to hurt mine. But through all of that - what about me?? I'm so lonely and so hurt (and believe me I have tried and tried and tried with my husband) I just want to feel something again.
Somebody please help!!!

I don't know if you're in couseling or not, but if you're having suicidal thoughts at all, please get some. That kind of depression is beyond the help we can offer you here.
I understand a bit about what you mean feeling ignored or uncared for in your M. The question for you is, have you tried enough, worked on it hard enough, that you're ready to walk away from it? If your M is over, then leave. And take time out for yourself to figure out what's next and what's best for you.
If you're going to give your M one more shot, talk to your H about counseling. If you feel like what *you're* saying is not making an impact, maybe a 3rd person observer can help you two with communication. And maybe knowing that you're ready to leave if he won't go will motivate him.
Finally, about your MM... frankly, I wouldn't pursue it. He already told you he doesn't want to cross that line and it doesn't sound like he's given you any indications recently to contradict that. So as a friend and coworker, if nothing else, respect that. He wish to keep your R platonic has nothing to do with how attracted he is to you or how much he desires you, but with whatever is going on in his life and his need to preserve that.
Take care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing.
-lily
And welcome to the board!
This board gets a little slow on the weekends, and in the
afternoon too. Do not be dismayed if there are not a lot
of postings for you until next week. I wanted to jump in
and say that we care about you. You are only in your mid
20's, my God! you have so much to offer!
I can easily understand your need for the things you say are
lacking from your marriage. I have that passion issue myself.
I think the need for love, passion, and someone to at least be
interested in us (like a mate should) are all basic needs we
humans have that must be fulfilled. I don't think you will be
happy until you get these things, and I think you deserve them.
If you read some of the other posts here, this is a pretty common
problem, you are not alone.
So you have been living with, but having no physical contact with,
your H for a year now. I don't think many of us could, or would,
survive a year without some loving. You must be very strong.
It sounds to me like your H has, for all intents and purposes,
declared your M over. He just lives there. Is that a fair statement?
What has he said about this and about your options? What does he expect
to happen, given that he established this state of affairs? Are
you free to date?
You must be feeling pretty down; now that you have found some
happiness, and the hope of more, your MM is pulling back. Please
forgive MM, and be thankful he was there to help you for the
last year. It isn't his fault that he can't give you more.
Smirff, you should know that none of us are trained professional
counselors (at least, not that I know). We are people that
have had experiences with affairs and marital problems, and
we offer support as best we can. Sometimes we blow it.
I think you should seek professional counseling for your
suicidal feelings. I have no personal experiences there to
share with you. If things got that bad for me, I would just
make bigger and bigger changes until I was happy again. I
would certainly make a wreck of this life trying to change
it to my liking before I moved on to the next. That is me
though. I do not know what you want, you didn't say, but
just to feel happier and worthwhile again may be a goal that
will do for now. Please seek help and counseling, if only
through a local church or women's group. There are caring
professionals out there.
The emotion most of us get from our marital problems is anger,
not despondency (well ok, there are moments of that too, but
a lot of anger thrown in). I feel that anger is outward directed,
despondency is inward directed. Anger promotes action and change,
despondency promotes misery and resignation. Is it possible
to re-channel some of that depression into anger? Would you want
to?
I am torn about suggesting that you see if you can talk MM into
just being friends again. On the one hand, he has proven he can
help pull you back from the edge, and I don't want you slipping
back over that edge. I am sure he cares and wants to do that for
you too. On the other hand, he seems unable to provide the additional
physical and emotional love that you are crying out for. Your electric
feelings would, I am afraid, be quickly transformed into actions. I
just think you need more than he is prepared to offer. You are wise
to call your feelings about MM a fantasy. It is, you know. He has warts
just like all of us do, you just don't know about all of them.
I think you will get a lot of posts from persons that know exactly
what you are feeling about your M. I do. It is possible to find
what you need in an EMA, others have done it. The feelings that
come with an EMA can be very strong and unpredictable. I would hate
for you to be hurt even more. There are other aspects of an affair
that I think would hurt you a lot right now too. It is my opinion,
but I would urge you to not have an affair, at least now; its for
your own good. If you are going to do it, you need to find someone
that is loving and supportive, and willing to play. I know it can
be hard to work on self worth when you are in a negative environment,
without positive input from someone. Perhaps we can give some of
that to you. There are other people here that care too.
If I were you, I would try to transform my despondency into anger,
and through that anger begin making changes in my life. At least
begin to plan and look toward a happier future, one of your making.
It is out there. The bad and good thing about both pleasure and pain
is that neither lasts forever. Your pleasure won't, but thank God,
pain won't either. You can change it. It might be difficult, it
might take awhile, but you can change it.
I like literature a lot too. Would you like to talk about that,
anynomously? It might distract you a bit, even if we bore the others
to tears. By the way, if you respond, be sure to omit personal
details from your post and keep it general. It is unlikely, but
occasionally some vicious people visit here.
I hope I have helped, I only wish there were more that I could do.
Edited 8/2/2003 3:12:09 PM ET by desertintherain
I guess in retrospect, I would have preferred to try counseling more, but my husband didn't want to. I would have preferred not to cheat, but the cheating made me realize how unhappy I really was.
I would suggest that you seek marriage counseling and/or indiv. counseling before doing anything with this other guy. You have to sort out your life for youself, look out for your kids. I'm not saying stay in a bad marriage for your kids, I'm just saying take certain steps to make sure they're ok. If you do eventually consider divorce, there are therapists tat can help the family and kids transisiton through it.
Good luck to you....
Thank you for your input and warm support. I should clarify that H and I are not officially nor unofficially 'separated' anymore. But our M has not changed much since we worked that little difficulty out. Quite frankly my H wants the benefits of a good M without the struggles or responsibilities. We do have some physical contact occassionally - but it is all formated to his tastes and desires and relatively rare. I don't even particularly enjoy being with him anymore in that department. I am a very emotional person (if you couldn't tell from my original post ;p) and things like tenderness are a very big deal to me.
I have talked to and done everything in my power to work things out with H, but he has made it infinitely clear that my staying with him is my 'privilege' and he will do nothing at all to make me feel happier, more secure or more loved. This is not to say I expect him to provide me happiness - I realize my happiness must come from me. Whenever I ask him to provide me some small act of tenderness or even decency for that matter I am flatly denied. If I raise a stink I am invited to take it elsewhere - he does not want to hear it nor does he care.
All this makes him sound like a horrid person, I realize - but he is not. He is a very decent man and has never been unkind or deliberately hurtful to me. But he has never provided me with the love and support I need and feel that I deserve in a relationship.
So why don't I just walk away? I'm a young, competent woman with plently of opportunities and options right? Maybe. Maybe not. Regardless I do not (until now??) have a support system at all - let alone a strong one. My mother believes no matter what the problem I need to stick out my marriage - so I have that very verbalized opinion coloring every decision I try to make. His mother is and has always been very good to me. She works hard at keeping her opinions about our marraige to herself - but she is in her third marriage and raised my H and his brother largely on her own - so she does not have the taboo viewpiont of my family.
Largely I do not walk away because I love my children so much and I just can't stand to think of them in a 'broken home' setting. I realize things are much, much better today in that regard and that there are many support groups to help them transition and that as things stand right now it would probably be a very fair and friendly divorce, so splitting custody would be very easy and fair. But I still don't want to do it to them. Not only that but while he may sound positively horrid as I said earlier he really is not. We have always made a good team and I don't want to put my children through unneccessary pain and hardship when there is not any blatant animosity in the home.
Again, I come to my original question - what about me?? I'm so filled with the well-being of my children and the opinions of my mother (and fear of change) that I have put everything I've ever wanted completely out of the picture.
All this is not to say I want an EMA, but I almost feel like it would be the best thing to keep me going in my current situation. I know how stupid that sounds - but It's my honest current state of mind. I don't want to break up my marriage for many reasons - but I do want the love and tenderness I am not currently being afforded.
Now that this has gotten tremendously long (sorry) the last point of fact is this - I have never, ever, ever felt what I feel for this MM. I do respect him and I don't want to mess up his M either. But I can't deny the surge of emotions and feelings I have never felt toward any other individual. I do realize the inadvisability (is that a word?) of trying to start things with him again - but there are a few things I want to say to him - if for nothing else then for at least a semblance of closure on my part.
Thank you all again, so much. I have to admit I was kind of nervous posting such raw emotions on such a sensitive issue. I really appreciate the unjudgemental support.
-Charlotte
I don't really have time to write, but one thing I can say is that your 3 kids need a HAPPY mother, not a mother who pretends to be happy, nor one that harbors pain and regret. I was raised by such a woman, and even though she was a wonderful mother and loved us to the core of bones, we knew she wasn't happy. And as much as she tried to compartmentalize her pain away from her love for us, it was never 100% effective. And, yes, it did affect us.
You haven't taken this R with MM to the next level, and before you do, I suggest you talk to someone...see a counselor. Just because one man brings you down does not mean that another will bring you back up again --maybe temporarily, yes, but not completely. Especially if you have a past of depression.
Before you embark on an A, especially if you are having reservations about it, you should try to make yourself happy first. You are hurting, and you need to fix that, and get your life back in focus. Only you can do that. Not H, not MM, and not your wonderful kids. Try to refocus on you and figure out what it is that will fill the void you are now feeling. Talking to someone might help.
Whatever you decide, the board is a great place to work out these feelings and find support--whether you decide to begin an A or not.
Hugs and good luck to you,
Alameda
It is me again. I have thought about you a lot
this weekend. I had a couple of other things I
thought to suggest.
My sister just went through a very tough time at
her job. Boss was sleeping with most of the women,
hitting on her, etc. And this was HR! Anyway,
she was pretty messed up about the whole thing.
She has a tendency to mood swings, and this sure
didn't help her. Her doctor prescribed a mood
elevator for her, which helped her a lot. I was
around her and didn't even know until she told me.
Maybe something like this would help you. It got
my sis through a tough time, caused by external
events. She got a new job, is off the elevators
now, and doing fine. Just a thought...
Concerning your H, I think you had a stronger hand
when you were unofficially separated! How ironic.
In reading your followup post, A couple of things
stood out to me. You stated he has not been deliberately
hurtful to you. If you have told him how much you need
the affection, and he knows it, and he refuses to even
try to meet your needs, I think that is being deliberately
hurtful.
Since he has never given you what you need in your relationship,
I can't see him turning on a dime and beginning to do so. He
doesn't sound motivated at all to me. Whatever you have been
doing for the past six years to get you through, just isn't
working now that MM has attracted you. If you were to remove
MM from the picture, you would be back to whatever has gotten
you 6 years down the road, if you could go back. All I am
saying is that MM does not seem to be helping your situation.
The road gets longer too. At some point you have to ask yourself,
can I take a lifetime of this treatment? When is the best time to
bail? Now, or later? 5 years later? 10? 20? You can get very
locked in to a M. Time is not on your side. But I do understand
that now is not the time for you, and I know you hear the clock
ticking.
We understand all too well your feelings about the kids, and
sacrificing for them. It is very normal. An affair might meet
your physical needs temporairly, but we all know the emotional
roller coaster that an A is. You have said you are an emotional
person; this is not your strong suit. We both know it, we are all
saying to you, be careful!
There is personal baggage that comes along with having an affair.
You have esteem problems now, we don't want to see you add to them.
I find your What About ME question very healthy. You are thinking
of your own best interest, and that is where you need to be. I
don't know what the solution is, but you are on the right path anyway.
Just out of curiosity, If you can bring yourself to post them, what
questions or things do you have for MM to meet and talk about?
Your second post seemed much calmer than the first. I think just
talking about this has helped calm you. I am glad we can help.
-G