UGH! I need some help here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
UGH! I need some help here!
4
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 8:10am
Last night I went out with my girlfriends and their significant others. I was the lone one for the night, which was great;) I did ask my OM to come along, but he said no.

At around Midnight, he called and asked me why my cell had been off... (It hadn't. It was on and working and there was a signal..) Then he asked where I was. I told him we were at a strip club. That's where the boyfriends wanted to go for a bit and we all just went. (Did you know there are always more females than anything in a female strip club? Barely any men at all!)

OM went crazy. He hung up on me. I called him back and asked him what was wrong with him. Anyways, he hung up again.

This is the second time in less than 4 weeks. I went out one night over to a friends house and because I wasn't available, he went crazy. And this time, once again, he got angry at me again.

Other than these jealous tantrums of his, our affair/relationship is good. I'm just a little puzzled by his anger...

Anyone BTDT? I wrote him an email, but other than that, I'm leaving it up to him to contact me. I asked my OM to come out, he didn't..

To be honest, when he pulls this, I think "What the F***?" Any advice on really jealous OM? Gawd, my H knows I went to that club and he doesn't care... My OM has nothing to worry about. I'm straight and having fun with the girls!

Okay, I'll stop babbling. Tell me what you think........ Thanks, ~passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 9:23am
Hi Passion,

I guess my take on it is that OM seems to be

a very controlling person. He could just be

very jealous right now too. Or both? You know

him better than I do, does this fit? Is this

something relatively new, or is this pretty

much a pattern?

I had some jealousy pangs for OW early on, but

quickly got rid of them. I found them incompatible

with an A. People will love who they choose, and

being jealous only seems to make things worse.

My W is a very controlling person in much the same

fashion as your OM. I wish I had some good coping

strategies to give you. My default method is to

stand up to her and tell her to be less controlling.

Then we have an argument about what is and isn't

controlling behavior. I will watch this thread

with interest. Perhaps I can learn some too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 10:51am
Thanks Desert:)

Actually, I did come to the realization

last night that my OM is possessive

and jealous. To be honest, this is

not a good quality for an EMA.

I'm not sure how this is going to

play out in the end, but we'll see.

He is controlling. I sat there with

a stripper (lol) after the conversation

with OM and she is the one who made

me realize OM is controlling, possessive

and jealous. I'm just not sure what to do

at this point, but will wait for OM

to make the next move. I wrote him an

email and it's currently now on his

side of the fence. *But* I have a feeling

he wants me to grovel my way back to him.

No can do! I won't grovel to him when I didn't

do anything wrong. (Or did I? Is there a crime

against me going to a strip club? sarcasm of course...)

I'm actually a little pissed off because of this.

I am annoyed that he has to play this game...

Thanks for listening to me babble again! ~passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 2:09pm
You know, passion, my OM hinted at jealousy just the other day, but I think he knows as well as I do that it doesn't jive with an A. He knows the situation, he knows I have a B/F but somehow since my B/F is away, he doesn't seem as bothered or jealous towards him, even though he knows I don't intend to break up with him anytime soon. Maybe he knows that if I were to end it with one of them, he would only get second place...

I think he just wants our time together happy and being jealous will only lead to an argument and all of those questions that he knows the answers to already--you know what I mean?

So my question for you is: why would OM be jealous of you going out and enjoying yourself and not jealous of your H? Or maybe he is jealous of H and being possessive over other realms of your life (even ones that don't involve men) is his way of expressing his discontent with the fact that you are married...

I don't think this post is very helpful, but I don't see what you can possibly do to keep him from being jealous. All you can do is say 'look, you know the situation. If you can't deal with, then well...'

Hugs to you,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 3:16pm
Hey passion...

Please take this kindly... your OM sounds a bit "off" and I would get out of that EMA.

First, his jealousy has absolutely no grounds in the case of the evening you presented, especially since coming along was an option.

Second, this method of control makes me nervous for how he'd react if you decided to end the EMA. He sounds like he'd almost enjoy wreaking havoc and making you miserable because he *can*... his feelings for you being irrelevant once his ire is up. After all, if he knew you were out and chose not to come, what could his reasoning be for calling you and throwing a tizzy *except* to ruin *your* good time, all because he wasn't there.

Third, YOU are giving him control. Why are you just waiting for him to contact you or get over it? I would recommend flat-out telling him to grow up and get a grip, or get out. And THEN leave it for him to choose. But some of this has to be on *your* terms, and as long as you keep taking him back in once he's done sulking and is ready to play nice, you will continue this pattern of behavior with him. One of you has to break this cycle and it will not be him.

He sounds immature. Can he really handle this R? Are you ready for the consequences if this start really going sour?

Not trying to be an alarmist, really, but his current behaviour would make me very, very cautious.

BTW... I hope you had fun, despite OM, because it sounds like a fun night out!

-lily of the soapbox... done now! ;-)