Grrrr...Complications!! Need advice!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Grrrr...Complications!! Need advice!!
7
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 12:46pm
Spoke with MM today over IM. He informed me that his W is pregnant. I wanted to just run away and cry!! All I could say was "congrats" and "I have to go now. Bye" and promptly left. My H was walking in the door anyway. I had no time to actually absorb this news as my H was here with me then. I know that we are both married and these things should be expected, but I am so hurt right now. It is not like I did not know they were sleeping together, it is just that it did not bother me until now. I cannot believe this! Selfishly, I am finding myself a little on the jealous side, as I wish it were me instead of her. I suppose it is human nature to feel that way, but I know that it is not right. I should be happy for them. Instead I am feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel as if I can continue this with him due to this. And things were going so well since our NC period ended. Now I am lost. Any thoughts anyone?? I am in desperate need of some advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 1:03pm
Hugs to you! The same exact thing happened to my friend. Her MM told her that his W was pregnant. She ended the EMA. It's just too hard once you know a pregnancy is involved. Plus, I know that all MM's with MW's are cheating, but there is just something "really bad" about a MM who will cheat on his pregnant wife. How complicated for you! Was this a planned pregnancy? Good Luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 1:08pm
No, not planned, but he seems happy about it. He would like several children, and this will make his second. I guess all I can do is wish him well, and be on my way. I cannot face this right now. How did your friend deal with it, emotionally?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 1:23pm
Oh, Adara,

I don't really know what kind of advice to give...I didn't realize that you two had ended NC.

I don't think you necessarily have to be happy for them. I think all of the feelings you are having are normal, but regardless, you should accept that they are having a baby and that they - both W and MM should be happy. I don't remember what his status is with his W, but whether they are happily married or not, the fact is they are having a baby.

You say that you are feeling jealous, part of you wishes that it were you and not W. But really is that how you feel? Would you REALLY want MM to be the father of your baby? Imagine harboring that secret? Imagine dealing with that scenario.

You are going to have to try to put aside all of your feelings and think about this situation in a rational way. Try to look at the situation from the outside. Imagine someone else posted your last post -- what kind of advice would you give that person?

You have tortured yourself long enough over MM, Adara, and this A seems to have brought you more pain than pleasure. No one is going to tell you what you should do, but with or without a baby complicating the story, are you really happy with MM?

Stay strong, sweetie, and don't let things get you down!

Lots of hugs,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 1:36pm
Just curious, do you have any children with your H yourself? Do you think your MM would feel the same way you do if he found out you were pregnant by your H?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 5:55pm
Adara,

Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you! That news would have sent me reeling, too. And that you couldn't talk about it with him, due to your DH coming home at the same time, well that couldn't have helped. Too bad MM didn't THINK enough about it, and how this might alter your relationship, and thus have the courtesy to tell you in person!!

I want to echo what Alameda wrote -- she brought up some good points. Also, do you have children of your own? Were you hoping that MM would eventually leave his W, and then the two of you could be together? If that was the case, or even a fleeting thought (which is completely normal!), then I can also see how this news would be an even more shocking and upsetting blow to you :o(

This is an issue that I worry about myself (neither I or MM have kids, and don't have plans for having any for several more years, but you never know what the future may hold), so I am very interested in your reaction, and what advice other posters may have for you.

Please let us know how you are coping, we care Sweetie!!!!!!!

HUGS,

Emmy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 6:56pm
Hi. I am sure this pregnancy thing is difficult for you. I am in no place to really give advice, as I am in a A with a MM. But he is older, his daughters are adults, I think if it where me, I would walk away from the EMA. It would bother me too much knowing about the pregnancy.This may be naive of me, but I dont believe in my situation MM and W sleep together.

Hope
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 8:20pm
Hi Adara,

I'm sorry you're so upset. I don't see why you have to be happy for them, but you do have to take care of yourself. I'm not sure that I agree that it's "different" to be in an EMA w/a MM who's wife is pregnant... pregnant or not, it's still an EMA... but it's *your* feelings about it, and about this particular MM, that are important. Go with what your gut tells you to do.

And know we are here for you.

-lily