Update on Big Night and Since Then . . .
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| Sun, 08-03-2003 - 5:43pm |
Didn't think we'd be getting together again until next week, but MM got into a big fight with his W the next day, which continued well into Friday afternoon. MM tells me he plans to go out and blow off steam. I was concerned that MM was going to do something stupid, so I let him know that I could go out for the evening.
I expected MM to be in a terrible, miserable, complaining kind of mood. Except for being quiet for the first 45 minutes or so, he was in a surprisingly decent mood, which he attributed to being with me!
We went out for a light dinner and drinks. Now I have to say, I LOOKED DAMN GOOD, and MM couldn't take his eyes off of me! He was sweet, and flirty, and suggestive, and seemed genuinely touched by my concern for him :o)
After that, we drove around and eventually wound up at his business (ah, the advantages of being the boss!) Anyways, for the next several hours we wound up, well, you know! It was fantastic, and he exhibited the perfect mix of being a wild man and yet tender at the same time! Truly, a perfect evening!
Next day he calls and checks in on me. MM and W have simmered down, so it winds up that the four of us get together much later that evening. DH and I noticed right away that his W did not appear to be in a good mood from the moment they arrived at our condo. W looked teary and irritated. Everyone knows she goes to bed early, so we attributed it to that. When they declined going out for some late-night dancing at a new club near our condo, I made a little joke that "you two need to go home and put each other to bed!" My DH chimed in a with a little laugh and remarked, "yep, they can't keep up with us old folks" (we are older than they).
Next thing you know MM and W are having an argument right in our living room! It was very uncomfortable for DH and I -- DH and I give each other this look like "hey, maybe WE should leave?" (but it's our place, so that seemed like a bad idea). The W really chewed him out, and my DH and I both felt sorry for him.
Here's the kicker . . . MM just called me and says he can only talk for a second, but wants me to stop making remarks to his W and the bedtime issue, because they fought about it the whole way home. I'm, of course, stunned, because it was an innocent remark, and everybody is aware how tired and rundown she's been lately, so requiring more sleep is hardly some deep dark secret! Plus, WHY did she agree to go out so late at night if it was going to be a problem?! And DH and I played the comment off on ourselves, by intimating that we're night owls, which we are!
I was so taken aback, and a bit hurt, that I said "Don't worry, you'll never hear another word about it out of my mouth, because I doubt the four of us will be getting together again anytime soon." MM got pissed and was like "Fine, we'll never do that again." So I tried to diffuse the situation and said "Look, I didn't mean it that way -- but it was clear your W was upset from the moment she walked in, and I don't like having to walk on eggshells all night."
Now before anyone raises this point, NO, neither MM nor I believe his W is on to the fact that we are having an EMA. She's just so incredibly weird and moody lately, and is projecting blame on everything around her, instead of examining her own behavior.
I told DH about what MM said to me, and he was pissed off about it, and thought MM was out of line, and that the W was overreacting. DH is a very sensitive guy, and is always very sympathetic and gives people the benefit of the doubt, too.
I don't think things are now completely screwed up between MM and I, as I certainly don't want them to be, especially after the wonderful night we had together recently!!!! I know he will check-in with me later, and I'm wondering how to react? I figure staying on a even keel, and not letting on how upset I was, is the best course of action (hey, the opposite reaction of his W has to be a relief to him, eh?! LOL!)
I do want to stay friends with them, separate from the EMA that MM and I may be having.
Sorry for the length, and combining these two posts. But because of the short timeline of events, I thought it was important to frame it this way.
I don't know that I am looking for advice -- but perhaps perspective would be helpful.

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I'm glad your night(s) w/MM went well, but bummer about the get together w/the four of you. I wonder if MM's W isn't more in-tune than you think... I mean, she may not suspect an EMA w/you, but I'm willing to bet some of her H's behavior has changed a bit at home since becoming involved w/you (prior to the sex) and I bet she's wondering herself what's up. She may not even be fully conscious of it, but that can certainly account for her moodiness and some sensitivity on her part. I mean, if you know something isn't right in your M but you're not sure what it is, or if you just know that something's a little different w/your H, sometimes you may exhibit through overly emotional or seemingly erratic behavior. And of course she doesn't see it that way - as her being overly sensitive - because she really is just reacting to what's in the air around her.
I'm not defending her, mind you. It was just a thought I had, reading your post.
Your MM needs to lighten up a little too, but I imagine he's stressed out between the next level you took your R to and his W's behavior. You're right to just step back and let them sort it out.
Keep us posted, though. I'm curious to hear if W does finally "break" and what she identifies as the source of her discord!
take care,
lily
Thanks for your thoughts. I, too, have considered whether his W is more in tune than either MM or I suspect. Still, her behavior (as I've described it in this post) is consistent with how she's been since I first met her late last year. And from what other mutual friends have told me, as well as MM himself, they have fought constantly during the 3 years they have been married.
I wish I could be a fly on their wall sometimes, and really see what's going on between the two of them -- I don't mean that as some weird psycho/stalker comment, but rather in the sense that MM and I were very close friends prior to taking things to the EMA level, and I wish I could help him in the way that a friend counsels another friend who is in pain. I know, it doesn't probably make much sense, but in my defense I have told him to go into counseling with her (neither are interested), have suggested he "kill her with kindness," do something unexpectedly nice, etc.. And I have done this both when MM and I were just friends, and even after we became involved in the EMA.
That MM and I are even an EMA still shocks me sometimes. Yes, I've done this before, but I never ever would have guessed that one would occur between him and I.
Perhaps you're right, and MM's behavior has changed just enough to make his W examine things a bit more closely. Plus, there was this odd moment after MM and I had sex on Friday night - as we were getting dressed, he turned me towards him and held me, and looked into my eyes with this very deep and intense look . . . for a moment I thought he was going to tell me that he was in love with me . . . so I looked away and broke off the embrace before anything like that was said or exchanged. I don't know if I want him to say that, nor what I would say back.
Hey Lily, thanks so much for your words -- the perspective of others helps so much!
Emmy
The W is probably quite upset about her marriage because things are probably quite shaky right now at home, and she probably doesn't know why. Her moodiness is really none of your business, and it sounds like you deliberately go out of your way to antagonize her and make jokes at her expense. If you don't agree with me, please think it over some - there could be some truth to what I am saying.
I think it is just plain dangerous to keep up this merry foursome. Playing with fire. And your MM sounds very uncomfortable with it too. You would be best off to not see him when you are with your H and/or his W. Trust me. I know this from experience.
As for what he was going to say to you when he was looking deep into your eyes, well, don't you think it would be nice if he told you he loved you? I mean, why have an affair if it isn't in the interest of something "real"?
Why give up the good love of a husband for just good sex with someone else?
If you go back and re-read your post, you may find that you are being insensitive to her/his situation.
Bottom line is you are having sex with a married man, his wife is being neglected in some way, shape or form, and you are almost "gloating" about it.
I never quite understand affairs where there are all these people that know each other and continue to have the indiscretion. The affair where someone is in need of something and really doesn't know the family is a certain situation, but, to sit and break bread with the wife and your husband and then pretty much make fools out of them??? I don't get it.
Just re-examine the whole affair thing. Is this only about sex? Is it about love? What's it about? It certainly shouldn't be about picking on someone because she notices her husband is not completely "in" the marriage. That's not right. If I were going to continue the affair, I would keep my spouses apart.
JMHO.
Perhaps you misunderstood what I wrote, and perhaps I am misunderstanding yours, too. So I will try to clarify . . . .
I did NOT do anything to anatagonize his W or make jokes at her expense. If I had any doubts, and I did re-read my own post several times, it was erased by the 2 e-mails I received from W this morning, apologizing for being in a bad mood when we got together. W said she didn't want either me or my DH to think we had done anything wrong, etc.. She has asked me to have lunch this week, too, saying she misses getting together with me.
Emmy
so just step back a little and let the reactions die down. put her off a few weeks for lunch and then just make a date and act like nothing happened, or at the very least, that it was no big deal.
take care,
gurl
Thank you for your perspective. I disagree with your statement that I am almost gloating about it. Nor was I picking on W. It's kind of hard to defend myself against those statements, without having a videotape of the whole evening to show you, LOL! But as I stated in a reply to Yogachick, W actually sent me 2 apologetic e-mails this morning, saying she was sorry for being in a bad mood when she got there, and hoped I didn't think she was mad at me or anything like that.
Perhaps my situation is too unique for you to comprehend -- their are other posters who socialize with their MM/MW and their spouse. So maybe my post makes more sense to them?
Anyway, maybe I should just be quiet for a while. I've never really made such a personal, or lengthy post before. And I'm feeling a bit vulnerable right now -- just thought writing it all out would help me to sort out my feelings. But now I don't feel like I'm getting that out of this.
Nonetheless, thanks for your comments.
Emmy
Whew, I'm glad you know where I'm coming from -- I was hoping to hear from another poster who also socializes with their MM/MW and Spouse.
I know how excited you were -- as was your MM -- about this party. I try not to bring up anything MM and I may have done separately, even completely innocent, professional meetings where others are around, because I don't want his W suspicious or feeling left out.
Your advice about letting reactions cool down a bit is probably good, too. MM and I discussed that this morning, and think we have to lay low for a few weeks -- not stop seeing each other, but not stay out as late either.
I will, however, be seeing W in a few hours, as I have to drop off something at her office. But based on the e-mails she and I have exchanged this morning, she sounds like she's in a much better frame of mind. We'll see.
Thanks for your understanding -- it's good to know I'm not alone in this unique type of EMA, with socializing, situation.
Emmy
you're a better woman than me. i cannot do NC. the one time i had to go two weeks made me weepy and cranky!
take care,
gurl
Don't take the posts the wrong way -- you asked for some perspective, and that is what you got. No one likes criticism, but I think you should realize that people on the outside will not see things as you do, and isn't that what we all want from this board? It might hit home hard, but I think it is in general constructive criticism -- for you to disregard or consider at your discretion.
I think your original post was full of excitement regarding your first encounter with MM. You are happy, probably a little euphoric about the memories and the future possibilities -- so you wanted to share. As a result, mixing that tone with a story about the W may have seemed to readers a little insensitive, etc. Just my opinion, of course.
It sounds to me like you have a very boisterous personality, and comments that might be taken by some as antagonizing are probably only playful to you. I'm that way, and when I try to break the ice, oftentimes I say provocative things without thinking. Only in jest, but others don't always see it that way.
So as far as the W goes, I don't see what you can get out of being her friend. Unless you think getting closer to her, will give you more insight into your R with MM. But that is a little creepy to me...(don't take it personally, sweetie). If she is depressed, and going through a rough time regarding her M or just about herself, she probably does need a friend. What kind of a friend could you possibly be to her though? Offering her advice on reinvigorating her M over lunch? You know too much about the difficulties in her M to be there for her. If I were you, I'd keep my distance from W and let her find her peace without your help.
This is just a fleeting thought, but if W has even the slightest inkling that MM is having an A, and if she has narrowed down the possible OWs to include you -- don't you think she might want to get closer to you to confirm/disprove her suspicions?
Good luck, sweetie, and don't be too offended by the posts. People are only trying help here.
Hugs to you,
Alameda
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