3-way turning into affair - need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
3-way turning into affair - need help
11
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 7:56pm
Hi - I'm brand new to posting so bear with me. 7 years ago my boyfriend (who's now my husband) and I had a 3-way with his best friend. They were roommates, and I always felt very comfortable around him and we all would hang out together. We all enjoyed that night tremendously and would get together occasionally after that, maybe 2 or 3 times a year.

This went on for about 5 years. (The friend has a girlfriend who knows nothing about this)

In all that time, I never really gave the whole thing much thought. Just something that happened when the time was right - nothing more. About 2 years ago the 3 of us began getting together more often. This shouldn't come as a big surprise but I started becoming attracted to the friend, thinking about him , etc. I figured it was all in my head, until last summer when the friend and I went to a concert, just the 2 of us. We had done that in the past - just as friends and always had a blast. Out of the blue he put his arms around me and started kissing me. Felt fantastic and we went back to the car and made out.

Eventually I let my husband know - given what had been going on all these years he wasn't surprised, and was allright with it. At this point, I've admitted to myself that I've fallen in love and don't know what to do. The friend and I have talked about this (and my husband knows this), the friend said that it's no longer a fantasy for him anymore and that it's become real. When the 3 of us get together, the first part is just me and the friend, alone. Sex with him is intense, overwhelming. We've gone to concerts alone since last summer and each time has ended up with us making out on the couch, in the car, etc. If you can believe it, we all live in a 2-family house. He's that close to me. Plus he's been with his girlfriend for 12 years (she lives with him) and refuses to marry her. Always complains about her to us, but shows no real desire to leave. Yes, I love my husband and he's my best friend. Yet I just can't ignore these feelings for his friend - they're much more intense than when my husband and I first met. I have let my husband know that I have feelings for the friend but don't tell him how deeply it goes. Feel very isolated since there's just noone I can talk to about this. Thanks so much for letting me ramble on. It does help a little.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 8:22am
So, what is it that you want? Do you want to stop being married to your husband? Do you want your OM to leave his girlfriend and marry you? I don't understand what the problem is because you are already allowed to have sex with this guy, and your H doesn't even blink an eye....

So, what's your question?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 9:02am
Can't believe I am gonna say this but I have to agree with Yoga!!!!

You are living the dream of a lifetime for lots of people! I am guessing that your H has no clue that you have fallen for OM? And you are confused about what to do? is this what you were trying to get too?

Love to all and I look forward to hearing more of your story! Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 11:14am
Althea,

I have a situation with some similarities to yours. I met OM and his then W, when H and I placed an ad on a swingers site. The four of us got together for a while then his W decided she didn't want to get together anymore. OM and I continued to see each other on the side for a few months. He broke it off to work on his marriage. They have since divorced and after about a year and a half he called me again. We got together a few times and then I told my H. He has no problem with it. H does not know that we saw each other a couple years ago, or that we saw each other a few times last fall.

At this point H knows that OM and I get together. In fact there have been times that OM comes to our house and H is involved too. OM and I do get to spend some time just the two of us also. My H is ok with it, the same as yours. The dilemma comes in with the feelings for the OM. I love my H, and have no plans to leave him for OM. I am selfish and want both of them to be in my life. The idea of OM moving in with us has been discussed. OM believes that his exW would have a hissy and keep his kids from him though, so it isn't an option at this time. H is fine with him living with us too.

It is a different type of affair than most of the women on this board, but it is still an affair. I can't offer you suggestions on how to deal with your situation, but I can listen.

Just me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 12:06pm
Althea,

You are beyond my scope of experience here. I do think

it fascinating that given total sexual freedom, with

no apparent hard feelings anywhere, you still feel

unsettled about it.

You have two guys who apparently have no problem giving you

everything you want, with no demands of exclusivity. Is this

some inner drive toward monogamy belatedly coming to the

surface? Why? What do you want to happen?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 1:47pm
I am in a similar situation to yourself. I have been married for 10 years and have become pretty good friends with my husband's best friend. We actually have always had more in common than my husband and I but never had any sexual thoughts towards him, until this past January. My husband, his best friend and I ended up having a threesome after a night in which we had all been out drinking. We all talked about it the next day and I agreed that I did not feel totally comfortable with it and it would not happen again.

Fast forward to May, I was at a party that my husband's best friend was at and my husband was not and ended up going home with his friend. It was one of the best nights I have ever had. My husband does not know anything about this but since that day in May, I have been seeing his friend about once a week and have no idea what I am going to do about this. Similar to you, I have developed really strong feelings towards him, can not stop thinking about him. Have talked to his friend about some of his feelings, one night got a phone call from him in which he admitted that he was falling in love with me and wished things could be different. I am totally confused at this point. Things have always been rocky between my husband and I but even if I ever got divorced I could never be with his friend. I would never want to hurt my husband like that. I know I didn't help you but I wanted you to know that I understand what you are going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 3:59pm
Out of all the posts so far, yours is the one I can relate to the most. I'm sure most people look at this and think, so what's your problem? I can definately see that side. But what happens when you realize that you just might have more in common with the husband's friend? What happens when you realize you enjoy being with him more than your husband, and the sex is so much more intense and satisfying? I also cannot imagine leaving my husband for his friend since we're all so close and it would inflict so much more pain than if it were a stranger. At least your OM admitted that he's fallen for you - we've danced around that subject but I've never had the guts to come out and ask him if he's falling in love with me. That's something I need to know.Given what's gone on so far, for so many years, should I? Since we live right next door to eachother, you'd think it would be simple to talk, but since he's with his girlfriend who knows nothing about this, it's tough to just walk on over. That's the toughest part - I see the two of them doing stuff that couples do together, family stuff, vacations etc and it just hurts sometimes. To not be able to do a thing about it. Okay - starting to ramble so I'll stop now. Thanks - for you and everyone who's posting. It does help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 4:52pm
It is not easy, I know that I could never be with my husband's friend. Never be able to give our relationship a chance. We would hurt too many people, we hang out in a pretty close knit group. I wish I had fallen for a stranger, then if I decided to leave, it wouldn't be breaking up any friendships. It is getting tough when we are all out together not to find myself paying too much attention to OM, I really have to hold myself back. I also don't want to lose his friendship, I have really become his friend too over the years, helped him through his divorce etc.. Sometimes I wonder how I ever got myself into this. I don't know if it would make it any easier for you if find out that he has fallen in love with you. It could be more painful, it doesn't make anything easier for me. Post whenever you need someone to talk with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 7:18pm
Feel the same way. He was the best man at our wedding, my family knows him, his friends are our friends, etc. He's so much a part of our lives it makes it impossible for anything to happen. Still, I can't ignore the way I feel. His friendship means a great deal to me too and has opened up areas of my life I thought I had left behind. On a side note, we all got together last Friday night (happens about once a month now) and the 3-way seems to have turned into just him and me. Been that way for awhile now - the friend and I are alone and everything is perfect and I then have to hide my disappointment when my husband comes in. Like you, I've wondered just how I got here. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 1:34pm
It is pretty ironic. My husband's friend was our bestman, is our daughter's godfather and if that was not complicated enough my sister just got married to his brother. So he will always be in my life. We always joke around that when my sister and his brother have their 1st child, he or she will never know the secret between his or her godparents. On another note, I really do believe that everything in life happens for a reason. Although I am at a loss for a reason in this situation. I hope everything works out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 4:32pm
kew29 & althea420,

I have been reading both of your posts and yes it seems as if the two of you have a lot in common. It does seem to be a unique situation where the OM is welcomed into your and H relationships. I understand how the feelings for these OM could eventually cause tension with your M, but speaking for myself (I am in a LDEMA), I would absolutely love to be in a situation similar to what you both are experiencing. You have the freedom and the go- ahead from your H to sleep with your OM. You at least get to have one on one time with your OM and do not have to sneak around. You are free to talk and enjoy each other's company without raising suspicion and having to lie and carefully cover your tracks. I believe there are many here who would give their right arm to have an opportunity such as this. Again, I can understand how hiding intense feelings could get in the way, but if I were in your shoes, I would be glad for things the way they are. JMHO

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