UPDATE: UGH! I need some help here

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
UPDATE: UGH! I need some help here
9
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 12:37am
My original post... http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=32769.1&ctx=0

Let's just say that this EMA seems to be over.

My OM turned out to be a lunatic. Tonight he

called me from a bar, told me where he was,

told me he'd been drinking and was as "drunk

as a skunk" and that he was going to drive

himself off a bridge.

I found him at the bar, he wouldn't talk to

me. I asked him how much he had to drink. He

told me he was drunk. I told him not to drive.

He did. My friend who was there to support me,

called the police. The police got him. But he

was only a few points off the legal limit. Far

from drunk, but he got a slap on his hands.

He lied to me about the amount he drank and then

drove. How was I supposed to know how much

other than what he told me?

Anyways, he told me the reason why he was so angry.

He is angry because I will not suck up to him.

I will not kiss his butt. I will not grovel.

First of all, I did nothing wrong but have a good

time with friends.

So, OM contacted me about half an hour ago on IM...

He told me that I'm lucky he's not vindictive.

He brought my child into this also. He said I could

loose my child. Well, um, sorry bud, I take care of my child.

He told me to never contact him again. (Fine.)

Anyways, I asked him to block and delete me, but he will

not do so. I told him what I thought about that.

He won't block and delete me because he wants contact.

Well, that's my take... What do you think?

So, I guess I'm officially not in an EMA anymore.

I'll be honest, this hurts. I love him. I care for him.

But I will not grovel and bed for forgivness, when

I've done nothing wrong.

So, what ya'll think about this?

I'm sick to my stomach, and ready to hit the sack.

I'm sure I've forgotten some information... But

perhaps I'm better off leaving so much

info out...

So, that's my update. Thanks for listening. ~passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 1:18am
Do you really love someone who is as screwed up as this guy? Is it love? Or is it something else - like that you enjoy him very much? I mean, let's face it - he is more than just few tweaks away from normal.

I think you should stay far far away from this psycho.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 4:50am
I'm sorry things turned out like this for you. But realise that this guy does not love you and he certainly doesn't respect either you or himself. He just wants someone to control and manipulate to stroke his ego. His 'plea' that he had had too much to drink and was about to drive off a bridge, is the last straw of a failed manipulator. Unfortunately, you fell for it and rushed to his side.

Wash that man right out of your hair (well, your head and heart), forget all about him, move on and chalk it up to experience. You'll be wiser next time. Don't ask him to block and delete you form your IM list - YOU block and delete him from your IM list and email and whatever else. What does it matter if HE wants contact? What do you want? Do you really want a relationship with a man who resorts to such drama queen tactits? And believe me, the longer this relationship continues, the worse he'll get - unless he gets some sort of psychological intervention to sort out HIS problems.

I know it hurts at the moment, but I hope you'll truly make the decision (in your heart) to do what's best for YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 7:04am
Passion,

I'm sorry it has become so rotten. You need to sever all contact on your part, and be proactive about it. This is not about what he thinks or what he wants. This is about protecting you, protecting your child, and letting psycho find someone else to harass. If you let it continue, if you make it easy for him to contact you or find you or continue to call you, this will just get worse. Please protect yourself. Already you can see how this has gone from a bit of "jealousy" to a much more dangerous game. And he's trying to put your child in the middle of it. Get away from him.

And good luck. Breaking any emotional tie can be hard, but in your case, it is truly best.

take care,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 8:51am
Passion,

I am going to have to agree with everyone else! This man is not stable and he is going to end up making your life a living hell if you let him!

He brought your child up...that is going WAY to far! I know what you think you feel is love...but hun it isn't! Because if he loved you and you loved him this would not be happeneing.....this is being in lust! And soooooo many times that can look like love! But trust me it isn't! Love is kind and special...this is scary and boarderline physcotic!

I am not trying to make you feel bad...I believe everyone has been in this paticular situation before...well not exactly with the actions, but the feelings! The feeling like you are so truly madly deeply in love with someone and they turn out to be not as awesome as we hoped! And you are forced to take a long hard look at everything and make decisions that you don't want to for the protection of yourself and in this case your family!

If someone does not accept you for you and want to be with you then what is the point! Obviously this man wants you to be at his beck and call and you not have any form of a life unless it revolves around him! And when you do you have to beg for forgivness...NOT RIGHT!

Talk to you soon...my thought and prayers are with you...be safe and you know where I am if you need to talk! Love to all! Red
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 9:24am
Passion,

Please take care of yourself and your child. OM has gone off the deep end and his actions are uncertain at best. I know that this is a hard time for you but you can and will make it through this. We are all here for you for the support you need. OM and I are back in NC so if you feel like talking you know were to reach me. Take care. DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 12:17pm
Hi passion,

You know, at first, I agreed with the other replies -- say good bye and try to protect yourself. But then I thought of a time in my life when I REALLY went off the deep end. I don't know OM's past, so maybe this is recurring behavior or something simply triggered it. I don't know.

But when B/F and I broke up about 5 years ago, I really didn't see it coming, and I freaked out. I threw things, I said and did things to this day that I wish I could erase -- and I'm the first to admit that I went ballistic. After those episodes, we had NC for about two months. It was undoubtedly the best, most therapeutic 2 months of my life. I realized that our R had LOTS of problems, that I had made mistakes, that B/F handled the situation poorly and that we needed time to separate and refocus.

So my suggestion to you is: try to tell OM that you are so sorry that he is taking this so hard, and that you know that you can't say anything to repair his hurt. Tell him that you think you need a break -- and once things simmer down, you can talk and see what you both want. Maybe suggest that he should see other people and take some time for him.

The reason I say that you must be kind is that if he is so angry and hurt, a complete break might only worsen his behavior. (It certainly worsened mine back in the day) And you don't want that coming down on you and affecting your life, family. I think the best way to protect yourself is to give OM space to realize that the only thing he can control is his own happiness. If he realizes that, then he will accept you and what you can/can't offer. But be careful. He's fragile and isn't thinking rationally.

Good luck, sweetie, and take care.

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 12:50pm
Hi Passion,

I am sorry to hear this is not working out for you. I

think you handled it very well, frankly. I usually

agree with Alameda, but I think maintaining some contact

in the hope of placating him smacks of blackmail. I

would say, run like hell!

I don't think he is gone. I suspect his personality type

will not take no for an answer easily, and he will continue

to try to get back together with you. I would also say,

love him or not, it would not be in your best interests.

If you need motivation, remember your child. As all hikers

know, never come between a Mama bear and her cubs. Hikers

never win.

I liked the freudian typo about "But I will not grovel and

bed for forgivness" ;-)

Keep us posted, I don't think the tale is over yet...


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 5:08pm
Well, first of all, thank you all for your replies of support and advice:)

I am done. I can't stop thinking of him, but I can't have contact with him

for my own reasons. I will not be toyed with anymore. Simple as that. I'll

admit this hurts, but I know I'll get over it. I'm a tough chick;)

Part of me thinks he will contact me in about 3 days time. But the other side

of me knows he will not contact me. I know his past relationships.. They were

not good ones. But you all said, when you bring my child into it, watch out.

I will not ever forget what he said. My child means everything to me. So, NC

is best for the rest of my life.

I will move on, I will recover. Nothing keeps me down for longer than a few

days! I'll be coming here though, because the support here is great.

I'll be around;) ~Passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 5:51pm
Desert, lol I didn't even notice!!! lol I had no clue about the typo! Thanks for making me laugh:) Thing is... He said he wanted nothing to do with me. He said "Do yourself a favor and dissapear." I don't think he'll contact me. A little part of me thinks he will, but he was insistant last night that I "not so much as think of (me)" him. Whatever, I hope he just keeps his antics and temper tantrums away from me. I see enough tantrums in my kid...... lol ~passion