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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Back to FWOB
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Mon, 08-04-2003 - 10:14am
Hi everyone, This weekend was horrible. OM had decided that he can't deal with our R anymore. He says that he wants to be in a "regular" R with the one person he loves and since I am M that is impossible. I haven't lied to him and he knows I have no intention of leaving H. He also realizes that my kids come first even before I make time for him. He wants to go back to being friends. I asked him to give me some time so that I can get my feelings under control. It is so hard because when I am on line and he comes on I just want to IM him to see what he is doing - I haven't yet. We talked all the time and this NC is hard. A few weeks ago we had NC but I broke that after 2 wks because I missed him so much. I do believe that we can go back to the way it was before I just have to deal with my feelings for him in my own way and in my own time. I will not throw away a 22 yr friendship just because I have no IC with OM. Any advice on how I can deal with these feelings?

I have lurked on the ending board and don't like it over there. I don't believe that they are very supportative and doubt if I will ever post on it. I would like to post here I have met some wonderful supportative people and the advice here is the best.

I have also decided that I am going to actively work on my M and try and make things better, so maybe this push from OM is a good thing (trying to look for the positive). I just don't have a clue on where to begin, any suggestions? Since I have been with OM I haven't acted so nice towards H and I know that now I have a lot to make up for, is that possible?

Well I gotta run. OM is on line and I think I am getting off for now. Thanks for any advice. DAF

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 10:45am
DAF,

You sound like you could be me. My A ended more or less last month, but my MM still thinks that we can be friends. He's the one who ended it, although he stills calls me and flirts at times. It's very confusing for me sometimes. It has been extremely hard to think of him as a friend again after everything that we went through, although it was a relatively short period of time (7 months). None of this seems to bother him at all, but I have been having a hard time dealing with the rejection. At least, rejection is how I look at it and I have told him that too. I think he only wanted and wants me around for an ego boost. Our relationship even before the A has always been about how I can make him feel about himself.

I have been on the "ending" board and I find it difficult to post there too. They are supportive, but they are quite firm in their responses. I guess maybe you aren't at a point to hear such blunt responses to your problems when you only want a gentle or kind word given to you. That's how I felt about being there. Although my A is over, all they can tell you is that NC is the only way to go in order for you to get over him and the feelings that you have. Maybe so, but I feel like I will always wonder the "what if" questions if I completely cut him off. I thought I was in love with him. I know that I do love him as a friend, but the "in love" part almost seems ridiculous now. All I know is that when I do see him, my heart still pounds and I wonder how long it will take before I get past this reaction to seeing him.

I have acted exactly towards my H as you say that you have. I have just had in the last couple of weeks had to step back and look at the woman that I had become being in this A. I didn't like what I saw once I had a clear mind. I know that MM cares about me as a friend, but I don't feel like he ever felt anything else for me. He never said he loved me. I just thought that I felt it because of the old adage of "actions speak louder than words."

But as far as your H goes, I am trying to take the advice that a friend of mine gave me: Love the one you're with, if you can't love the one you want. But I know it's still tough to do knowing that your OM is still there.

H&H

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 11:59am
Hi daf,

That must have been quite a blow. But you sound like you are doing reasonably well. So keep your chin up, daf!

Personally, I could not move quickly from FWB to FWOB with OM. I would need NC for awhile -- probably several months. At least while I refocused my life and let the feelings of hurt, want, desire, etc. fade.

I know what you mean about not being so nice to H since OM has entered the picture. But I think it will be difficult for you to give 100% to H while you are dealing with these emotions regarding ending tha A with OM (assuming that is what is happening). You may resent H and somehow subconsciously equate OM and NC with giving attention to H. Maybe not, but I think you need to clear your head first.

Then, once you are in a better place emotionally, think of ways you can begin reinvigorating your M.

Just my opinion, of course!

Good luck to you, daf.

Hugs,

Alameda



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 1:49pm
Hi daf,

Just wanted to say a few words here. I know how hard

the retraction of "benefits" can be. BTDT. I don't know

if it is even possible to go back to just being friends,

once you have shared the other. I am trying myself,

LDEMA with only email contact.

On the other hand, you have to be strong enough to stand

up for yourself. We play this little email game, OW & I...

NM (no email) for a week or two sometimes, Then a nice,

warm note.

I now play along, and wait however long it takes, even

though my heart aches for some word from the one I love.

I do accept this behavior, she is a great flirt and tease,

and I love this in her, I wouldn't have it (or her) any

other way. I'm getting better at it myself, I have to.

In the end, it just may not work out, and I am happy for

what we have had.

You can't allow yourself to be a puppet, jerked around by

love (or your lovers). Like you though, in the end I do

not want to throw away the friendship, even if it comes

w/o a benefit package. There are others in this world to

love. We may get the benefits back, friends do become

lovers. We have proven this once, perhaps we will again,

if we could only resolve this distance issue.

There has been a common note of hope and faith on the board

recently. That somehow, if it is meant to be, it will all

work out in the end. I guess I subscribe to this. If not,

it is still a great friendship! I have been blessed! The

cup is way more than half full.

I like this board a lot too. There are some great people here!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 3:59pm
Thank you to all that have responded so far. Today has been really hard but I am trying and it helps that I am alone in my office so if I start crying no one knows.

HH, I think that it is still to early to know if this is bothering OM, I tend to think that it is and that is one of the reasons he says he can't deal with the situation. I think that we both tried to keep our feelings intact and hidden and it didn't work. I don't take what happened as a "rejection" because I wanted him to be honest with me from the begining and and whenever he couldn't deal or wanted out that was his choice. He is single and I have always thought from the start that the whole situation was unfair to him and told him that. I have to respect his decision and who knows we may go back to FWB one day but for now if this is what he needs I will just have to cope. I was shocked when you said that you didn't like the woman you had become in your A because just last week I told someone that. I don't like how I was acting, so now I am going to work on changing. I am going to work on things with H, but it is going to be a slow uphill battle since my feelings for him have diminished so much. How have you been dealing with it? Email me if you want to talk some more.

Alameda, A few months of NC, I don't know if I can do that. Just these few days are bad. I go online sometimes and he is online. It used to be natural that one of us would IM, now that doesn't happen. How do you just cut someone out of your life, I am having a hard time with that, any suggestions? I understand what you said about if I don't it will be difficult to give 100% to H and my M but at this time I can't even think about that because I hurt too much. Maybe next week or two and I will be able to do that. If OM were to call me I would go right back to him and he would be back in this A. I am just hoping that I can be strong and get my act together before OM contacts me (or I breakdown and call him). I have to compartmentalize these two areas of my life and deal with each one seperately. Does that make sense?

Desert, I think the retraction of benefits is very hard but I can get over that, it is his friendship that I don't want to be without. We have been friends too long to not continue but I think we both will need time to regroup. Will these feelings I have for him ever go away -- I doubt it. I will just have to deal, it is my problem. Will his feelings change - maybe if he meets someone new but I know that I will always have a special place in his heart. I knew from the beginning that this was a real possiblity and I knew going in what could happen, but it is still a shock.

Thanks again. I have to go for a little bit because I can't see the keyboard again. DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 4:02pm
Hi daf,

I'm in day 4 of NC. I realized the end of the EMA was inevitable and it was time to release OM and his heart. He's so wonderful; someone else is going to get a great catch in him. I hope he chooses an available woman this time. I also hope I don't have to know anything about it whatsoever.

Yes, I agree, this is indeed a very warm and supportive board. It really helps, especially when we're trying to cope with such very sad feelings all alone. It is hard enough to deal with the hurt and the fact that we have to do all this all alone without giving away our secrets makes it that much more difficult. I am very thankful for the kind people who post here.

Pug

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 4:04pm
Daf,

Knowing it is coming does not make it easier.

(hug)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 5:46pm
Hey daf,

The only time I effectively had NC was when B/F and I broke up. I did NOT want it. It was his doing, and his doing alone. And I hate to admit this but the first two weeks or so I did end up at the same places as he did (hmmm...was I a little crazy, yes -- but don't tell anyone. LOL). And if he would have wanted me back, I would have been right on board...but he didn't, and NC worked out for the best in the end.

I know, though, that doing it and hearing it are two different things...

Well, I was able to cope with NC by doing completely new things. At the time, I moved in with a friend who I didn't know very well. I started going to new places, seeing new people, and keeping myself so busy that I didn't have time to think, let alone long for B/F. Basically I kept busy like crazy for a few weeks, and when those weeks were up, I was less fragile, and more able to think rationally, gain a new perspective, etc.

A new project helps. Planning a dinner party helps. Exercise helps. Taking a trip helps. Changing your routine helps. Deleting him from your IM buddy list helps.

I don't know what your life is like, or to what extent OM is/was a part of it. But if you are serious about NC, you have to replace that time/energy with something else.

Keep writing. If I would have had an outlet like this during the above mentioned breakup, it would have helped me tremendously. If you get the urge to write/call OM, get on the board. Or write him a letter, put it aside and read it in a couple of days to see if those words are something you want him to hear. From experience, you will tear it up before it ever makes it to the post office.

Good luck, daf, and hugs,

Alameda.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 10:36pm
Alameda,

Thanks I need all of the help and support I can get. Right now I am having a really hard time because I should be leaving for OM's house for a couple of hours and instead I am sitting at my computer trying to keep myself busy. He hasn't been on line for most of the day only about 5 min (that I know of) this morning. As soon as he got on I finished what I was doing and signed off. I know that I should but I don't want to take him off of my buddy list but it is a small comfort knowing that when he is on line he is ok. Since I can't talk to him that will have to do for now.

You could say this brake up is OM's doing and I know that I don't want it but I know that I had some part in it. It was one thing I stressed to him over and over that we both made the decisions in our R not just me. So now I must live with his decision. Believe me I have been trying to keep busy its just to hard. I am right now putting off going to bed because I know I will end up crying myself to sleep yet again. I hate feeling like this, I am usually so much in control. I was thinking about your suggestion to write him a letter the only thing is I would only do that at work where no one has access to my computer, don't want to chance it at home. H isn't computer savvy but DS is and one of them could come across it no matter how good I hid it and locked files. So that is why I am posting again because it does help. Well I think I am going to do some scrapbooking and try to get myself tired. Thanks again DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 12:38am
Desert,

r u levi's brother? That was deep!

Made my head spin! thank you!

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 12:44am
great great advice Alameda!!!!!!

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