New Here, Need Help FAST!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
New Here, Need Help FAST!!
5
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 5:41pm
I'll try and make this short but it's a long story -- all help will be GREATLY appreciated!!

I am on my 3rd marriage -- 1st one: high-school sweetheart, had three kids together, we were better friends than marriage partners, was hard break-up but eventually stayed friends. Second one -- the LOVE OF MY LIFE. I had (have) never felt so close to anyone in my life, never felt love like that, EVER, felt like we were meant to be together, thought he was my soul-mate, felt like I could be/do anything when I was with him. When I talked to him I felt like he could see into my soul. He was my one and only "true love". When he left me (he was a few years younger than me, immature, not really ready for an immediate family, plus his parents never did support our relationship and made it VERY difficult for us), it literally destroyed me. I thought I would never get over it...I was sick emotionally and physically. (We had no kids together) Which is probably why I jumped into relationship #3 -- met a guy who had just divorced as well, also had kids, we get along great (most of the time, but sometimes it seems just because it's easier), have a good life, have been raising our children together for 5 years. We married last summer, and I knew in my heart that I didn't love him like I loved hubby #2, and a big part of me felt I shouldn't get married, but thought the best thing to do was try and make it work because I thought this was the best I was going to have. Again, I honestly felt like I would never have the kind of love I had with #2.

Well...about 6 mos. ago, I spent an entire weekend doing nothing but thinking of #2, and I couldn't figure out why. I mean, I think about him every single day, but this was different -- it was like I felt the strongest need to get in touch with him, like a "sixth sense" that something was wrong, I dreamt about him, I felt sick, I could think of NOTHING but him. I called my former sister-in-law that Mon. and made up some excuse about having a box of his stuff and she did a three-way call to him. HE HAD JUST GOTTEN MARRIED THAT WEEKEND. I was devastated...I cried, even though I myself had just recently gotten married!

Well, we've been staying in touch (he lives in the next state over from me, about a 3 hour drive), and have even seen each other once, but nothing happened. Neither one of us can forget about the other one. Right now, as I write this, he is here, in my town, staying a hotel room for the next few days, and by himself. I have the strongest desire to go and meet with him, but I know I will end up having an affair if I do. I know it's wrong, but there's a HUGE part of me that thinks I will regret it if I don't! Does that make any sense?? Then there's a part of me (probably the part that's trying to justify this whole thing) that thinks that maybe if I do it I'll realize that it wasn't really what I thought it was and I could finally move on with my life and actually get over him. At this point, I feel like I'll be thinking of him the rest of my life and will never get over him. I have never stopped loving him and don't think I ever will. I'm already trying to think of ways that I can get out of the house the next couple of evenings without raising too much suspicion...

WHAT SHOULD I DO?? Please help if you can!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 7:21pm
Hi Savage,

I don't think I can be much help here as your situation is extremely complicated...All I can think to say is that you need to slow down...don't do anything that you may regret later. Chances are those feelings won't fade away anytime soon, so why do anything rash now?

Before you decide to pursue your exH, you should look at yourself, your M, your H, your exH and try to figure out what is really important to you first. Do you want to have a successful M? Are you interested in working on your M? You may not love your H the way you love your exH, but so? Does that mean you don't love H at all??? As far as exH is concerned, what kind of R would you want from him?

Also, your post does not suggest that your exH is pursuing you. What makes you think he would want to have an A with you?

So just take things slowly. Why leave one man to go to another to then go back to the other? Maybe you could use some time to yourself to figure out what is making you so unsatisfied...just a thought.

Good luck and hugs to you,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 7:50pm
What she said!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 12:57am
Alameda,

Again, High five to you Sweetie!

Great reply!

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 8:12am
MZ,

If you *don't* have this EMA, what is it exactly that you will regret? Sex w/exH? The opportunity to have another intimate R w/him?

Are you ready to end M #3? Is that not a likely outcome if H finds out you've cheated?

Where do your kids fall in all this, and how will D#3 affect them? I am not one to advocate making life decisions based solely on what we believe is best for our kids, especially when it comesto our own intimate Rs, but I think in your case it has to be taken into some consideration because the stability of a home life you provide, whether or not you are M, does impact them.

In all this, I would actually spend some time figuring out why you need to be M at all. Obviously I don't know all your details, but from what you posted, it sounds like you went from one M to the next to the next... and not enough breathing room in between to get your head back on straight and really look at what YOU want.

If exH#2 was truly your soul mate, why didn't he think so? And if he thinks so now, what made him change his mind?

We can't tell you what to do at this board... all we can do is give you different perspectives to think about. No matter what you decide, this is a great place to come for support. Good luck!

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 8:34am
I truly believe that if you let it go and do not act on your feelings, you WILL get over him, and you will NOT regret what you didn't do. If you have an affair with him, all it will be is an affair. He was your husband once, but he is no longer your husband. He just got married, you just got married. If you want to get re-married, you can both get divorced and get re-married. Why dirty this up with extra marital sex? If you are not prepared to "be" with him, really be with him, and vice versa, then it would be better to just move on. Your feelings will diminish.

Feelings are just feelings. They do not have POWER. They do not strongarm us into action. People believe that their feelings are bigger than themselves and that their feelings make them act. Our brains make us act, and you can get over a feeling, and if you let yourself, you will.