I'm uncomfortable being OW

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
I'm uncomfortable being OW
3
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 1:02am
Hi wonderful women. This is my first time here, and also my first time writing (obviously), and I have started seeing a MM. His marriage is ending, divorce pending, and although we've only had 2 dates, he thinks that I am not being "intimate" (not necessarily sexually, though) enough because I wasn't holding and rubbing him all day. I am divorced for 2 years, and have gotten hurt since by someone who I was dating for 8 months and with whom I thought I was having an exclusive relationship. Bottom line here -- he's been so starved for affection that he's jumping into our thing, with respect to displays of affection, way too fast for me. I definitely adore him and want to have a relationship with him, but he is disappointed and confused because of our different manners of showing affection. I don't know; I'm just really scared that I blew it, because I don't know how to tell him to lighten up a little. We discussed that friendship is the basis, so I thought everything was cool when we were discussing history, and music, and slow dancing in the living room, and eating avocados -- generally being friends and getting to know each other. Needless to say I had to drag his feelings out of him because his body language told a thousand words, and he feels I was rejecting him. He then proceeded to "back off" and became emotionally unavailable and distant for the last few hours of his visit.

My take (and I would LOVE some support and feedback here) is that he wants a substitute right away for the cold wife he now has, and that I am scarred and afraid to make myself vulnerable. I also feel he's moving too fast, but again, I don't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings. Oh, and we did have some fooling around today, too.

I hurt his feelings, we BOTH feel rejected, and there's nothing I can do because what's done is done.

How can I assure him that I do want him to be my man, as well as have him understand how I'm feeling? I've never done the casual dating thing, but have always jumped right into long-term monogamy. I don't think I even know how to deal with men anymore! :)

Please help, somehow. Someway.

Thanks, Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 7:31am
Hi Katie,

I probably can't give you any dating advice, lol, but I will say that from what you described, you have your MM figured out. He's looking for too much too soon -- maybe not too much for some other person, but certainly too much for what you are comfortable giving. Frankly, I think the only thing you can do is explain to him that you are attracted to him, you would like to see your R develop into something more, but that you need to take it more slowly... for your own sake. He is either going to have to accept that or move on. Don't compromise doing or behaving in a way uncomfortable to you only to appease him. In the end it will make you resentful, and it sets up a pattern of behavior that's not healthy. Really, if he's only separated and not spent any time being D and alone, getting over the end of his M, he's really not ready to be dating anyway. He has to learn to like you and be with you for who you are, not for who his wife isn't or who he wants you to be.

Good luck, Katie, and keep us posted!

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 11:35pm
Hello Katie,

It sounds as if you want to take things slow with any guy. But IMHO you can't "blow it" by expressing that you need to take things slower. This is a relationship with two people, ya know...

WRT his hurt feelings, if he is truly interested in you, then he will accept that it isn't all about how "he" wants you to act and be willing to go at a different pace.

Katie, I do date and I have to say that if someone becomes "unavailable" or POUTING when in my presence then it is time for them to go home and call their mother or whatever, but it is not my job to coax them into a better mood so that they can become "available" again to spend time in my company.

You really do need to just tell him that you want to go slowly. I don't know if he is "starved" for affection, but he is being selfish IMHO. IF he was confused and disappointed then, the next step is to ask what's going on. But given that this was just date #2 and you two were getting to know each other, to become distant and unavailable when he can't be as intimate with you as he wants is just a power play to get you to act in the manner he wants.

I don't believe you blew anything especially since you didn't give in to him. If you are afraid of being hurt then that is all the more reason for you to tell him he needs to slow down and allow him to take a hike if he wants to before you become more emotionally invested in this guy.

Take care!

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 8:23pm
Here is a book I can recommend for you:

How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce

Robyn Todd and Lesley Dormen

M. Evans and Company, Inc.

New York 1999

$15.95

I picked this up in the local B&N -- I somehow ended up in a relationship with a long-time friend who has been unhappy in his marriage for years and who probably will leave...eventually -- and there is Good Stuff in here. At the end of every chapter, the same three options are mentioned:

- You can bail out of the relationship.

- You can put the relationship on hold.

- You can continue with the relationship.


Me...I'm on the verge of number two, because I know that unless I reach the point with him where I say, "No more. Get your act together," he will not make any changes in his life. Abject misery is easier than leaving his comfort zone.

Good luck.