keeping perspective?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
keeping perspective?
15
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 12:46pm
I have just started an EMA, am new to this board (have posted twice), and had a question for women in similar situations, which is basically, "How do you keep your perspective while having an EMA?"

My story, told simply & briefly is this: I just started an EMA (3 weeks ago) which I initiated with a single OM. Reasons for starting the EMA are complicated but can be boiled down to a few -- I'm no longer "in love" with DH though I love him dearly; I am no longer physically drawn to him; and we have had problems connecting on a deep level & I'm getting frustrated by that.

I prefer to keep my EMA physical only and have indicated that to the OM, and he's fine with it (what single guy wouldn't be?!?).

My question is this: I can imagine that if you're having an intimate relationship with someone, regardless of whether you're married to someone else, it's very likely that you will find yourself getting attached. It's not necessarily the case that you'll fall in love with the OM, but I'm worried about becoming attached, especially since DH and I are giving each other space -- lots of it -- as we work out our problems. How can I keep these attachment feelings from developing?

I'm thinking that we shouldn't even have conversations when we get together, and I keep our phone calls and e-mails to a bare minimum, just to make plans. . .

Any thoughts are appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 12:50pm
You will never "work out your problems" with DH while you are sleeping with this OM, no matter how purely physical it is. I mean, you chose the OM for a reason, and I assume the reason was not that you heard that he is good in bed. I assume there is chemistry between the two of you, and that it is a heady and high feeling when you get him to take the bait, so to speak. That chemistry and high can be very addictive - in fact, it is almost ALWAYS addictive. So, my advice to you is to NOT do this. If you want to have casual sex because your sex life is boring, I think you should rethink what your desire to have casual sex is about - I think it is more than about sex. I think it is about connection, passion, romance, chemistry. And if I am wrong - if your husband is impotent or whatever, then go to a bar and pick up a guy and don't get his phone number and don't give him yours, go sleep with him and let that be that. That is the ONLY way you will have casual sex. I can promise you that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 1:24pm
Wow. It sounds like you just described my exact situation. I agree that you cannot work on your marriage while in a R with OM. It's just too damn exciting to be with someone else. And you are probably already beginning to have feelings for this OM or else you wouldn't have posted. I am in a LDEMA and my H and I are divorcing. I fell out of love with him a long time ago, but meeting my OM just pushed me to finalize the divorce. I can't tell you how to prevent feelings because you are lacking something in your marriage, which is why you have turned to another man. I have fallen in love with my OM who is also in the process of divorce. But nothing is final until those papers are signed, which is why I categorize our relationship as an EMA. I posted this because you and I are in such similar situations - if you ever need to vent, I can relate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 1:30pm
Hi brooklyn and welcome to the board,

When you say 'work out your problems' are you talking about your problems with H or your individual problems? Because I don't see how giving each other space will help you rebuild what has been lost in your M. Have you considered couples counseling? Many here have tried it, and it seems to get mixed results...and if you want to stay in your M, why not give 100%?

Also, you say you aren't 'in love' with H anymore? I don't understand why everyone seems to think that when those butterflies stop churning with H that they are no longer "in love." Feelings may change and habit make kick in, but does that mean you no longer value your M?

Why are you no longer physically drawn to your H? Have you tried to spice things up at home? Personally, I go thru dry spells and I really have to force myself to get in the mood. I know what is going to happen (and unfortunately not happen from time to time), so sex can sometimes feel like a bit of a job -- do you know what I mean? I find that talking about my wants/needs (as hard as that is for me to do) does help and in the end improves our intimacy.

As far as OM goes, good luck trying to keep it physical. I doubt it will happen if you continue to see him though...and if you seriously want to reinvigorate your M, I don't see how OM will get you there. Chances are feelings will develop and you will move just a little farther away from H. IMHO.

Don't feel like you have to respond to all of my questions. They are more for your reflection than anything else. Good luck, brooklyn, and keep us posted...

Hugs to you,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 1:35pm
This is in response to yogachick's comments. . . yes, i agree that having an EMA definitely is counterproductive to my working out my problems with DH.

Just as a note, actually, i did start the EMA largely b/c I heard of OM's abilities, so to speak. That's what I mean when I say it's purely physical. I don't feel butterflies in my stomach when I think of him, and there isn't that feeling of excitement/nervousness/tingling sensation when I see him. I see him purely as a means of getting certain physical needs met. But that said, I do get a "high" afterwards. . .
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 1:47pm
Sexual needs? I don't think being pleasured/satisfied is a 'need' You want sex, you don't need it. And if that is really all that matters to you, why not just pleasure yourself and not take all of these risks?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 2:23pm
Alameda, you are wise!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 2:58pm
You bring up a a lot of good points -- some of which I've been considering recently.

There seems to be a lot in my relationship/life that is contradictory right now. DH & I are seeking help through a counselor. My head tells me to give our marriage a chance -- it is not something to throw away simply b/c I feel certain things such as communication & connection are lacking. But these are important things that have to be met for me to be happy in this (or any) relationship. This has led us to couples counseling. At the same time, we'll be going through a temporary separation, with the goal of living together again in the future. As for the separation, I need that to sort out my thoughts. Living in close quarters day after day hasn't given me the emotional space I need to think things through. I do have doubts about the relationship.

I don't feel like I need to justify myself; rather, I'm trying to explain my situation so others understand what I'm going through. Perhaps others can relate.

As for physical needs, sure I can satisfy them myself. For those who are bent on semantics, it's the physical desire to be with a man that leads me to the OM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 3:59pm
Ahh, I think you are getting somewhere...

So it isn't just sex in the strictest sense. You are getting something out of it -- you say it's desire. Well? Is that it? Is it desire for OM or is it also that you enjoy being desired by OM, too?

I think you have to figure out what you are getting out of the A. If it were just a fling, then you wouldn't be worried about getting attached. Chances are none of these issues would be weighing on your mind. Maybe you were missing something from your M that led you to OM? If you can pinpoint it, maybe that will help you gain perspective on your M.

I don't know if this will help, but here is a brief run down of my situation with OM. It started out purely physical. The attraction was real, I appreciated him as a friend, and we began to spend more time together. (If you are separating from H for awhile, you may find that you have a lot of time to share with OM -- watch out!!). I am not in love with OM, and I do not intend to take this A any farther. But I do have a serious R with him -- it developed over time and has made the physical beginning seem like a distant memory...

The catch is that OM is crazy about me. And I care deeply for him now, which is why I have had so much trouble saying good bye and hurting him. He knows the situation and has accepted it, but I know he wants more.

I have learned a lot from having an R with OM -- about myself, my future, etc. The sex is great, but it doesn't help me work through my problems. (If anything, it makes me a little sleepy at the end of the night...).

If your A stays in the fling stages, it probably won't make much of a difference. If you take it to the next level, (or if you let circumstances take you there), then you may see your life/your M in a whole new perspective. As with me, it may be hard to let go.

Just keep your eyes open and be prepared for the unexpected.

Hugs to you,

Alameda



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 2:07am
Hi BG and welcome,

I guess in many ways I can relate... I have had a troubled marriage for a few years now, and I was heading down the road of a trial seperation... but unlike you... I had already met MM and originally it was more of a friendship thing for us. We talked about our lives, our marriages... just two people who lent on one another when we needed... the physical didn't happen until after a few months... by then in a sense... I was already emotionally attached to MM as a dear friend... his friendship means a lot to me and always will.

I know where you are coming from with the separation... while I was in an EMA at the time and still am... I was still willing to give my marriage a shot and I felt that time apart for DH and I would do us the world of good. I wanted to know who I was and I wanted DH to know what he has... and I felt that the only way to do that was to part... I still wish that I had followed through on this now. I however didn't go forward as DH found out about my EMA... and it was either go and go for good or stay and work on my marriage. I stayed... I did not want him to think I was leaving for another man... as I wasn't.

As for keeping it seperate... I think it can be done... and I think you yourself said that limited contact would probably be the best way. Don't take that friends track... keep it purely for sex. But also be prepared! you never know what may happen a few months down the track and how feelings may change leaving you so unprepared. Once I dealt with the infatuation stage... I managed to control my emotions for a very long time... I've been with MM now for 3 years... and I can tell you that last year when I realised I had allowed myself to fall in love with him... it hit me hard and I had to deal with so many things all over again.

I don't know if I've helped in anyway... but know that there is some out that do understand what you are going through.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 2:36am
Sweet,

If you aren't in love with OM but fell in love with him a year or so ago.. how'd you fall out of love with him but still maintain a physical relationship with him?

One of the first things MM told me was that he wanted a woman who could keep a secret.. and if he ever fell in love with another he'd leave his W.. I told him.. that to me.. theres no way to have intamicy with someone and not fall in love with that person.. I don't think it's possible, atleast not for me, how do I give someone a part of me and have intimate conversation with a man but not eventually fall in love with him?

Just curious how you do it!

hugs

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