Unsupportive family anyone??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Unsupportive family anyone??
3
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 1:40pm


I just wanted to ask everyone a question about their families.If any of you are having an EMA and have left your H due to it or even just for YOU,how do your families react?Myself,i have seperated from H several times and everyone in my family at some point or another found out about OM.As you can imagine,they were shocked and upset.They all care very much for H and would love to see us work things out,even though i have made it clear to several of them that i love OM very much and would love to have a life with him.In all honesty,my mom is the only one that supports me and places the blame equally on H and myself.Everyone has also found out about H's affair he had,but it's divided opinions on who's to blame.The men say for H,it only happened once and i should forgive and forget,but for ME,they all tell him he should Divorce me and take me for everything.Yes,even my own brother and sister have said this.They see my relationship with OM being a helluva lot worse than what H did(one night stand with a complete stranger),and maybe it is,but to me it's the first true love i've ever felt in my life.I loved H when we got married and for years after that,but i loved him as a girl,the young girl he married.I'm in love now as a woman,a deep,true and mature love that i can't imagine living without.The fact of how my family react's to all this hurts me very much.I feel even if i DID marry OM,the only one who would ever accept him is my mom,and i've always been very close to all my family.How do you deal with the judgements that come from your family?How do you accept that fact that they all think YOU are to blame and it's YOUR fault you have a broken home?I'm just in a real low spot over this right now and it hurts so much to think that by loving this other man and taking a chance to find happiness with him will cause a wall between me and the ones i love so much in my family.Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 2:23pm
Solost,

I know that this is not an easy time for you and having no support from the people you thought you could count on only adds to your stress. My situation was diff. from what you are going thru. When I filed for divorce from my xH no one in my family seemed to understand (no OM just me deciding enough was enough). I was always close with my mom and dad and even though they didn't agree at first with my decision and they thought it was a big step they supported me every step of the way. A few times I wanted to give up and move back home but they said NO you choose to do this and you are going to, they helped me with my son and financially as well. However, I have an older sister that just out right would not talk to me. She supported my xH all the way. We would have family get togethers for one reason or another and she would always invite him. A few times I just didn't go because I didn't need the trouble. She never forgave me for leaving my xH and we drifted apart for a few years. When her marriage started having lots of trouble (she was M 13 yrs), her now x was having an affair, etc. etc. all of a sudden it was ok that I had divorced and that wasn't the bad option, the not trying option. (at this point I had been D 9 yrs and remarried 7). I never once turned my back on her and have been right next to her the entire time. I felt so alone when I went thru my D even if with my parents that I didn't want my sister to go thru the same thing. So after all those years I forgave her and stood by her.

What I guess I am trying to say is that people view D differently (even when they are your siblings), respect how they feel but DO NOT put your plans and life on hold. You must put yourself first, I know it hurts that they don't support you but you can't change them. This whole taking sides thing is wrong but again you can't change them. You also don't know what your H has told them to make them see his side. I listened to my xBIL and I listened to my sister, and I made my own decision, I however could see the BS he was giving me and believe it or not he tried to make me believe it was my sister's fault - WRONG she's blood, he's not. They may or may not come around eventually but you can't wait for that time. Don't you think you deserve to be happy? They should want that above anything else for you. I realize they are judging you but you are the one that has to live with the decisions you made along the way and if you don't have a problem with your decisions that should be enough for you. I wish that I could tell you it will all get better and they will support you but I can't. Know that you can come here and vent and we will all support you and listen. Sending you big hugs. DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 3:20pm
the first time I ever had an A...I told my sister..at first she wanted to hear all about it...but then when it kept going on she got mad...she said I would rip apart our family...becuse they love my H soooo much..and he has no family..mine in his family...it made me feel sooo bad....so that is one reason why I stay....that A was over very fast but now Im in love w/ a new OM...I would love nothing more than to be able to go out in public w/ OM and hold hands and just act like we want but I can't...it hurts me in the worst way...Im very very close to my family and could never lose them..luv little
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 3:50pm
Holy cow - YES! My family hasn't spoken to me since this all started. My own mother didn't talk to me for 3 weeks after she found out my OM. When I finally did call her she was very flippant and said, "It's your life - do what you want." I agree with another post - you need to do what makes you happy. I don't expect people to agree with my decision to have an A before I'm officially divorced, but no one can know what my life is like. None of them can fully understand my marriage and what caused it to deteriorate. Those are things only my H and I can talk about and fully comprehend. I married young, like you. I loved him as a girl. I am a woman now and have grown SO MUCH that I just outgrew him. Period. I know that the decision to leave and be with someone else is the right one for me. My A is a LDR, which I actually like because it gives me a little bit of space after the divorce. Although we all want validation, you need to do what is right for you because you are ultimately the one who has to live the rest of your life with your decision. Best of luck. Keep in touch and let us know how it's going.