Can someone please tell me....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Can someone please tell me....
8
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 8:37am
Why is it that you spend your entire life searching your perfect match and then when he comes along you can't have him. This is so wrong. I am having a really hard time dealing with it. MM and I talked about this yesterday, we both feel the same way, completely torn. While we don't have perfect marriages we both love our spouses. Also we both have young children and we both are the bread-winners. In a way we feel guilty because we have such deep feelings for each other, at times deeper then what we feel for our spouses and even though we haven't done the deed yet, we both know it's only a matter of time. And once that happens I think our feelings will only become more intense.

Has this bad-timing for finding mr/mrs right happened for anyone else here?

How do you deal with it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 9:06am
My MM and I feel the same way you described. It is also not an option that we will ever be anything other than a LDEMA. We have been together for almost a year. I was hoping that my anger, disappointment, frustration, bitterness... at life for this would be gone or at least lessened by now. I think that as time has gone by, I have become more accepting that this is just what is and what will be, but I have days where I am totally and completely devastated by the whole thing.

I don't really have great advice, since this is something that I still struggle with every single day to some degree. However, I did want you to know that you are not alone. The only thing that I know is to try to focus on what we do have, not what we don't have. If just one small thing had been different in either of our lives, we may never even have met. Because of our distance and the lives we have led, there were just so many coincides/fate/destiny involved in our ever having met. I have to believe that there was a reason we did. The thought of never having met my MM is worse to contemplate than anything that I have been struggling with the past year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 2:40pm
Hi Haley,

Question: when you got married in the first place, did you think your H was 'mr. right'?

I'm not married so I may have a different perspective than some. But I think when I do get married, it won't be because I have exhausted all of my options and found my soul mate.

There are billions of people in the world, and there is a 100% chance that if you keep looking you will find someone else that fits you, probably better than you ever would have thought...over time you change, you evolve, you have different needs, etc--I think this is what leads many into an EMA. As you change during an EMA/M, chances are that R will also change -- maybe for the worse, maybe for the better. (Hence, 'for better or for worse')

For me, getting married won't be for blind love or "true love". I have already loved so many and if I based my future on that alone -- hell, I would have gotten married 10 times already.

And it won't be because I can't live without the person or because they "complete" me, as the perfect match undoubtedly would. How can I expect someone who fits me so well in the present to always fit me the exact same way? Or vice versa...

You say that you 'spend your entire life seaching...' -- well, didn't you get married? For me, getting married is about deciding that you know if you keep looking, someone else might be a better match, but that you choose to stop searching because you know the future with this person will be bright...

I know this doesn't answer your question at all. But I think if you choose to let an R evolve, it will. Your feelings will grow, etc. If you choose to neglect an R, those feelings will fade, etc. I guess it just depends on what you need (or think you need) in the present -- I don't know.

I am afraid that this post might offend many of the married people out there--I hope not though. I'm young, and this is my approach on M for now. Naive, maybe?

Hugs to everyone,

Alameda.





iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:01am
When I got married I don't know what I was thinking other then I love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I still don't believe in someone being "Mr Right".

When I got married my mother asked me if he was "Mr. Right" for me and I told her that I was marrying him because I loved him and wanted to be his wife. I was young and naive and thought that love could overcome all of the hurdles we would encounter. Also at that time in my life I was being the me he wanted me to be, not myself. Now that I am older I am starting to realize the importance of making myself happy and not having to depend on someone else for my happiness. I don't regret for a moment marrying my H. I have had so many wonderful times with my husband, he has taken great care of me and has given me three beautiful children. The problem that I am having now is I really want to be myself, and I want him to love me for who I really am, and he doesn't like the real me, he likes the me that I was so that he'd love me. I'm finally realizing why they say never change yourself for someone else. Also my husband is going through a very serious deep depression right now, he basically told me that he wants to die. I don't know what to do to save him, he refuses to go to see a dr. or take meds. I feel like the only thing thats keeping me from going over the edge right now is M/M. I'm just torn, and distraught, and since I haven't had i/c with M/M yet I'm not sure what I should do. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 12:24pm
Didnt you think you found Mr. Perfect when you found your husband? If not, why did you marry him? I am guessing that you DID think your H was Mr. Perfect when you first met and fell in love. Time changes things. Hostility builds. Resentments take the desire for sex away. We look for new things to stimulate us. So, of course you feel that MM is more "right" for you than your H. But the truth is, if you married your MM, five years from now, you'd likely be saying the same things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 2:33pm
The LOML (love of my life) & I crossed paths & KNEW we were each "THE ONE." That was 13 years ago. To this day -- now that he's with his second wife -- we still feel the same way, though we've only been intimately involved for 3 of those 13 yrs. (See my previous posts to find out how we missed the time b/t wife #1 & wife #2.)

It's torment, Haley. I can't say that either of us has found a successful way to deal with this. Nothing from falling into a bottle of alcohol to intense, prolonged therapy has helped either of us. It's the worst thing. If you find a way, please share...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 4:05pm
Yogachick - I was young and dumb and in love. I guess I thought if I was everything that he wanted me to be it would be ok. I definitely didn't marry for the right reasons. I do love my H and we have the most wonderful, wild and kinky sex life - that's why it's so weird that me and M/M have this strong sexual and emotional attraction. It's crazy, it's like the attraction I had with my H when we first met, he just looks into my eyes and I melt, I could easily give in, it's like he can see right into my soul and when I look into his eyes it's the same. I have my problems with H but I am defintely in love with him(though that does change from time to time - which is to be expected after you've been with someone for 8 years)and yet I'm falling in love with M/M too. How the hell do you all do it? Is anyone else in love with H and M/M?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 4:30pm
I do love my husband and yet I find myself falling in love with my OM. My husband and I rushed into marriage because I was pregnant so the beginning of our marriage was rocky. We have learned to love and respect each other. We have sex 3 to 4 times a week and I have no complaints in that area. When my EMA happened it was totally unexpected and with someone I never would have expected. If someone could have seen into the future and told me what was going to happen I never would have believed it. I have known OM for 11 years. OM and I have a connection when we are together that H and I have never had. A connection like you said, you can look into the other ones eyes and know what they are thinking. My OM is more in touch with what I am thinking or feeling than my H. I know that OM and I could never be together in anything other than what we have now and I am trying to acce[t that. My OM is single so I know that he may grow tired of always sneaking around. I guess life just isn't fair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 5:56pm
I wonder what it would be like with MM if I had been with him as long as I have been with H. I have told him. Would we be bored, aggravated? He keeps saying that would never happen. I remember the feelings I had for H when we were first married. I couldn't wait until we could go to sleep together every night and not have to say goodbye all the time. Now so many years later, there is none of that excitement. He's just a lump lying there, sorry to say. The romance has gone out. I have told him this, but he says what could you expect?