Can someone please tell me....
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Can someone please tell me....
| Wed, 08-06-2003 - 8:37am |
Why is it that you spend your entire life searching your perfect match and then when he comes along you can't have him. This is so wrong. I am having a really hard time dealing with it. MM and I talked about this yesterday, we both feel the same way, completely torn. While we don't have perfect marriages we both love our spouses. Also we both have young children and we both are the bread-winners. In a way we feel guilty because we have such deep feelings for each other, at times deeper then what we feel for our spouses and even though we haven't done the deed yet, we both know it's only a matter of time. And once that happens I think our feelings will only become more intense.
Has this bad-timing for finding mr/mrs right happened for anyone else here?
How do you deal with it?
Has this bad-timing for finding mr/mrs right happened for anyone else here?
How do you deal with it?

I don't really have great advice, since this is something that I still struggle with every single day to some degree. However, I did want you to know that you are not alone. The only thing that I know is to try to focus on what we do have, not what we don't have. If just one small thing had been different in either of our lives, we may never even have met. Because of our distance and the lives we have led, there were just so many coincides/fate/destiny involved in our ever having met. I have to believe that there was a reason we did. The thought of never having met my MM is worse to contemplate than anything that I have been struggling with the past year.
Question: when you got married in the first place, did you think your H was 'mr. right'?
I'm not married so I may have a different perspective than some. But I think when I do get married, it won't be because I have exhausted all of my options and found my soul mate.
There are billions of people in the world, and there is a 100% chance that if you keep looking you will find someone else that fits you, probably better than you ever would have thought...over time you change, you evolve, you have different needs, etc--I think this is what leads many into an EMA. As you change during an EMA/M, chances are that R will also change -- maybe for the worse, maybe for the better. (Hence, 'for better or for worse')
For me, getting married won't be for blind love or "true love". I have already loved so many and if I based my future on that alone -- hell, I would have gotten married 10 times already.
And it won't be because I can't live without the person or because they "complete" me, as the perfect match undoubtedly would. How can I expect someone who fits me so well in the present to always fit me the exact same way? Or vice versa...
You say that you 'spend your entire life seaching...' -- well, didn't you get married? For me, getting married is about deciding that you know if you keep looking, someone else might be a better match, but that you choose to stop searching because you know the future with this person will be bright...
I know this doesn't answer your question at all. But I think if you choose to let an R evolve, it will. Your feelings will grow, etc. If you choose to neglect an R, those feelings will fade, etc. I guess it just depends on what you need (or think you need) in the present -- I don't know.
I am afraid that this post might offend many of the married people out there--I hope not though. I'm young, and this is my approach on M for now. Naive, maybe?
Hugs to everyone,
Alameda.
When I got married my mother asked me if he was "Mr. Right" for me and I told her that I was marrying him because I loved him and wanted to be his wife. I was young and naive and thought that love could overcome all of the hurdles we would encounter. Also at that time in my life I was being the me he wanted me to be, not myself. Now that I am older I am starting to realize the importance of making myself happy and not having to depend on someone else for my happiness. I don't regret for a moment marrying my H. I have had so many wonderful times with my husband, he has taken great care of me and has given me three beautiful children. The problem that I am having now is I really want to be myself, and I want him to love me for who I really am, and he doesn't like the real me, he likes the me that I was so that he'd love me. I'm finally realizing why they say never change yourself for someone else. Also my husband is going through a very serious deep depression right now, he basically told me that he wants to die. I don't know what to do to save him, he refuses to go to see a dr. or take meds. I feel like the only thing thats keeping me from going over the edge right now is M/M. I'm just torn, and distraught, and since I haven't had i/c with M/M yet I'm not sure what I should do. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.
It's torment, Haley. I can't say that either of us has found a successful way to deal with this. Nothing from falling into a bottle of alcohol to intense, prolonged therapy has helped either of us. It's the worst thing. If you find a way, please share...