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| Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:36am |
I have a problem. I went out on a date with a guy twice, and he had told me he was divorced, and i finally figured out that he is still married. He didnt lie when I asked him. He said he and his wife live separate lives and they stay together for the children.
He said he does his thing during the week, she does hers on the weekends. He wants me to be his during the week thing. So I have several questions ( and please know I'm not judging you guys, I just need some answers)
He said he does his thing during the week, she does hers on the weekends. He wants me to be his during the week thing. So I have several questions ( and please know I'm not judging you guys, I just need some answers)
1)Why do people stay together just for their kids? Don't they realize the kids will eventually figure this out? And if you are in thsi situation where you have an agreement, is all guilt gone?
2)Does anyone feel guilt for doing this and why? and/or in the religious apsect, is anyone afriad what the spiritual or karmic consequences are?
3)Does anyone think its a better situation if both people are married or is one is married and one is single?

To be frank, I don't see how anyone else's answers to those questions help you with your current situation. All that matters is how you feel about these kinds of R, and whether you want to be part of one. You mentioned in your later post that you have to give him an answer tonight... I assume that means an answer to whether or not you're willing to be his "during the week thing."
My answers... Everyone here has a different reason for being in or considering an EMA, everyone here has different levels of guilt they are or aren't dealing with. Whether you believe in karmic justice, God, or anything else is a purely personal spin on things. I think far too many people underrate the perceptibility of children, even very young ones, and I don't think the ones who "stay together for the children" are doing those children any great favors. I have only been in an EMA as the single OW, and while it worked for me for a while, in the it wasn't enough. There were many frustrating moments, and eventually, the EMA had to end because it was no longer what I wanted from a R.
But for your specific case, I would be more concerned about trusting this guy. Being D and being M are two very different things. If he lied about that, how certain are you that he's telling the truth about "separate lives" w/his W? I would be concerned about that. Also, do you want to be someone's "during the week thing"? Is that going to be enough for you?
Whatever you decide, good luck.
-lily
I can't answer all of your questions but I will try:
1) Why do people stay together just for their kids? Don't they realize the kids will eventually figure this out? And if you are in thsi situation where you have an agreement, is all guilt gone?
I don't know because I don't have any children. My MM does and he says that he stays for his DD. She's young and he thinks that she shouldn't suffer for the things that he has done. Go figure...I haven't quite figured this one out myself.
2) Does anyone feel guilt for doing this and why? and/or in the religious apsect, is anyone afriad what the spiritual or karmic consequences are?
No, I never felt an ounce of guilt. I don't know why. I guess that it just felt right to me because of the person that I was with. And no, I don't feel that I will be punished by God for what I have done. He forgives ALL things, no matter how bad they are. Also, "bad" is all in one person's perception of things.
3) Does anyone think its a better situation if both people are married or is one is married and one is single?
I don't think it matters what your marital status is. The hurt that comes from an affair is the same regardless.
Candi, you have to decide if an affair is right for you and only you. You will not be on the top of his priority list in an affair, ever. When something wonderful happens and you want only to tell him, he may not be available for you to talk to because he is with his wife or children. When you just want to spend time with him and him alone, you will have to make the time to do it. It won't be spontaneous. Affairs have a lot of planning and secrets involved. If you aren't up to it, it will consume you. If you don't think that you can handle these situations, or don't want to be put behind someone else, just don't get involved.
H&H
I am also very aware of the fact that secrets are being kept from me. I came here to get an opinion. I agree, once a cheat, always a cheat. He has said flat out this is purely sexual and that's it.
I look at it this way, at least I know what to expect and dont need to pour my heart and soul into this.
Thank you for you advice
I'm probably a little too late on the reply for when you need it... but I'll still add my 2 cents in anyway.
Firstly... I will have to say that I agree with the other ladies and that this is really a decision that you and only you can make. You will have to decide whether you want to risk anything with this man... ie, be that falling in love and only you can know if you can handle being the OW... as it appears that may be all you will ever be.
But of course... it does help to have other perspective on things that they only know too well.
So... here goes... there are two sides to your first question... yes... if a marriage is really really bad it can cause a great deal of harm to the children involved and it's not a good thing for a child to experience. I myself witnessed years and years of arguments and threats... but I never thought my parents would divorce... after 39 years of marriage my mother walked away for another man and it devistated my father and destroyed my family as I know it. While I think my father is better off without her... I wish that she had not destroyed the relationship between her children and it did. To look at another point... I don't feel that my marriage is at the same stage... sure DH and I have arguments, but don't all couples? and I don't yet feel a need to strip my children or their father of one of the most precious relationships they can have. Sure... I stay for my children... but more so to give them that relationship.
I'm not a religious person... so your second question I can't really handle. I sometimes think that what goes around, comes around... but I am prepared for that. I also feel that everything happens for a reason... and MM was sent to me for some reason... if that makes sense?
When I entered my EMA... I did contiously think that it was best if MM was married... I felt then that no matter what happened... we would not be able to ask the other for what they can not give... as we ourself if asked would not be able to give in return. And! while I will still swear that this is better... for me... being on board here... I've found that no senario really is better than the other... but again for me... being married my life is not solely based around thinking of MM as I have my home and children that are my driving force.
I just wanted to address your last response to... as I do take it slightly to heart... I do not believe that once a cheater, always a cheater... as I feel that would apply also to myself and many other ladies on this board... and I don't think that I could ever deal with an EMA again... while I don't regret a moment and it's actually taught me a thing or two... it just can be too hard!
I also want to say... beware! you may enter this for just a sexual experience and not to take things any further... but things can change and they can change fast and you just never know how much heart and sole will go into it.
As I said in the beginning... only you will know what's best for you and what you can handle. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do.
Please keep us updated.
luv and hugs
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My