MW with OM please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
MW with OM please help
14
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 2:28pm
Hello,

I would like some friend to talk to who are in my situation. I'm married to H for 4 years now. Family is all very proud. H just brought me a brand new 1 1/2 carat $4,000.00 wedding ring. Aaarggghhh!

I've met someone online who lives about 30 minutes from he. He is absolutely AWESOME. We laugh all the time and have SO much in common. He's SOO good looking and has so many qualities I love. My H is very good looking and attentive to me as well, but there's no emotional connection. We have "burned a lot of bridges" and now we are just hangin on. H loves me more than I love him at this point. H is unmotivated and emotional immature. Also very smothering. Most women wouldn't mind, but I'm a free spirit and I'm very unhappy. I'm not selfish, but I know I would tell H how I feel before anything happened between me and OM just because my goal is NOT to have anyone get hurt.

I wouldn't leave my H for OM. I would leave my H because I want to, but OM is definately enough motivation. OM is divorced with two kids and old than I (more mature, not into the games). I know we are taking things slow, but I'm afraid when the day comes that things grow into more than "friendship".

I've tried talking to H before. He's wants to change, but not for the right reasons. he's also drinks too much and I don't like that. I'm a navy wife with NOT ONE single friend around here to hang out with, talk with, just have a girl's night out. Maybe someone needs to tell me to cool out. Maybe someone needs to tell me to go for it. I don't know what I should do.

Somebody, anybody, please help!!!

ps. OM knows I'm in relationship (unhappy) and he's very patient and understanding. That just makes me more attracted to him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 3:32pm
I am not in any position to give anyone advice, as I cannot even get my life under control. I just wanted to say that I am in the same spot as you. H loves me very much, and I do love him, just not the same as I used to. I basically have an online "friendship" going on too. Nothing physical has happened between us, although we can see eachother by the use of webcams. Whether anyone considers this as cheating, I don't know, but I do. I feel that if I am emotionally tied this MM, and he to me, that there is an emotional EMA happening. It is definately a difficult road to travel, as I have found out. If you truly think that OM is what will make you happy, then good luck to you. Otherwise, have you tried to work out things with H? Or spice things up in your marriage? Just asking...been there and done that myself. Just think about it for awhile before you get too involved with this OM. Is he worth risking your marriage for? If so, then go get him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:57pm
Thanks so much for writing me back. No one ever answers me here and so for a while I had started to get a little disappointed.

Well, today for the first time I met my OM. Oh, he's Mary Poppins...practically perfect in everyway. Funny, smart, mature and so hot! I'm afraid I'm gonna be singing Pink's

Don't let me get me" in a few weeks here. He wants us to see each other again on Friday. I am going to.

I can really relate to what you are saying. That's how this started with us. And that's why I'm so confused, excited, disappointed and everything else. I guess I should just kee taking things slow, huh?

Well, any one else has comments on this...please jump right in the water is fine (and so is the OM...apparently).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 12:01am
No problem. Sometimes I get no reply too. Just depends who is around I suppose. Well, here is my email addy if you want to talk. Sounds like we are in the same boat, and I could use a shoulder myself. Plus, I grew up a military brat, and married a military man myself. kristina@medscape.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 7:23am
Well, looks like we have a few things in common. My relationship with my H is very similar. He adores me and I know that. But, he is very smothering, and lilke you - I an very outgoing and enjoy fun. I am "not allowed" to do the girl thing - even with my H's best friend's wife! The most time I get alone (other than work) is I am allowed to go get my nail's done with a friend. Anyway, H is very sweet and loving - he treats me like a Princess and would literally do anything in the world for me. But, he is also a drinker - like 8 - 12 beers a night. We have had long talks about his drinking, his smothering, etc. I do love him - he is a WONDERFUL man.. but... sometimes I just REALLY want to run free. So, I met a man at work. He is married with 3 kids - so it is not like we have any long-term plans of being together anytime in the near future.. but we have joked that we will be together in 15 years - when the youngest of our kids is 18. MM is INCREDIBLY good looking, funny, sweet.. and a great conversationalist. He doesn't drink - at all! We talk every afternoon when he leaves work - usually for a good 30 minutes or so and I love every minute of it. We, though unlike you, HAVE been intimate. (And let me say - that was incredible as well!!!)

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that there were more of us out here and I can related to a lot of your story! So, tell me more!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 8:15am
big hugs to your gilrs l would not like to smother like that by man.l'm single live alone and mm lives ever statehe wonderful lovong caring man miss so much.you said h drink l would not like either.about living alone it can be great to but love have man around all the time but to smother me . hugs kimmy
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 8:31am
OMG, are we married to the same man? I know exactly what you're saying. My H is like that too, he loves me more then anything in the world and would do anything for me, but he is controlling, smothering and a drinker. MM is the total opposite. He hasn't had a drink in 8 years. I know exactly what you guys are feeling, it's really hard to to work on your marriage when you're feeling smothered and you find someone who is all you've ever wanted.

It's a big decision to make - and no one can tell you what you should do. My advice would be to take it really slow, you can still be friends with OM, I would just tell you to make sure that you ready to end your relationship with your H.

Good Luck and keep posting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 10:07am
Ladies,

OMG, thank you ALL, each and every one of you so much. I was almost in tears this morning at work, because I'd thought that NO ONE else in this world was going through what I'm going through. None of my girlfriends are married so they don't even comprehend what I'm talking about. Well, let me update all of you on the situation (oh, and by the way Kimmy, I totally understand what you're saying. It is still nice to have a man around the house. Just not around the house, the car, my job, the beauty parlor, the grocery store, the mall, etc) LOLOLOL!!!

Okay, so I met this OM last night. Like I mentioned it's not all just a physical thing. He told me something very private about himself last night that he says he hasn't told anyone in like 15 years! He's just all the way right. Okay, like my H, bless his heart is on medication for depression and anger problems. (so he shouldn't be drinking at all right). That caused him to put on some extra weight that I find...well, just not attractive. I know we all have our "in" and "out" moments, but this "out" moment has been going on forever. My H and I really have nothing in common. He doesn't like the same time of movies as me, the same type of music (we mostly comprimise on that). And when I got home from my date last night, he's sitting there in my house drinking...with his 17 YEAR OLD brother! Now, I don't mind that the bro-in-law come to visit. Or even use the car. Or even have like 1 beer with dinner or something (I mean, that's what big brothers are for...and we've pretty much all done it before). But RUM and COKES? Then he's smelling like alcohol and it started to give me a migraine (which I've only recently developed)...

OM on the other hand...isn't afraid to say he can't drink. Not that he doesn't, but after like 2 beers, he's pretty much out! And most GUYS don't want to admit they can't drink like a sailor (no pun intended...lol). But he's in GREAT shape, works two jobs and is a single father to two VERY small kids! I don't know how he does it. He LOVES to dance (so do I...H won't even step foot on the dance floor). He loves people and being out and having fun (so do I...H is a homebody!). He's so funny and the best part about it is that he compliments me all the time. He even brought me a little present for our first "date". H...well, I don't know what to say about him.

Well, I'm gonna go and try to work some things out. For those of you who are in this situation, would you leave your H if your OM offered you a once and a lifetime deal? And what would your family think? I'll elaborate on that in my next post!

Bye!

: ) ---- Happy Faces!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:13pm
Divine,

I don't know what to tell you except be careful. I know what you are feeling my H is everything like you described, except he only drinks occassionally as he works 3rd shift. There is just that something special about OM, that little connection that you don't feel with anyone else. I am like you I could not be smothered and everytime H gets to the point when he is doing it I back off which starts big fights here. I can't tell you not to go ahead with OM because obviously I didn't do that but just proceed with caution. Realize that you are putting everything on the line and you could lose. Do you want to stay in your M? Do you want to work on getting some of the same feelings you used to have for H back? You must answer these questions to yourself truthfully. If you don't want to work on your M are you considering leaving and filing for D? Your H can change but will it be enough for you and your R? You said he wants to change for the "wrong" reasons, does he even know how you feel? Have you tried counseling, I know that sometimes people only hear what they want to hear and your H may not be truly listening to you and a third party may be able to help.

I was married to a Marine for 6 yrs and the life of the military is hard for someone not in it to understand. I know exactly what you mean that there is no one to talk to or go out with for a "girls" night. I know for me the worse part was living 3,000 miles from my family, then the deployments when you have to rely on yourself. Just a quick question, is OM in the military also? Just checking because if your R evolves and he is he can be courtmartialed for adultry. If you want to talk some more you can email me thru my profile. Hang in there and think about what you really want before you move to quickly. Know that we will be here for you to vent, muse or just to cry. DAF

Avatar for chatwithu35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 12:43am
I don't have much time to post tonight as my story is long but here is a short version until tomorrow,I was married for 17 years,fell in love with a guy I met on ICQ and left hubby and here I am 3 years later living with om....am I happy yes pretty uch but it isn't easy,it is no bed of roses,he has faults also no one is perfect......would I do it again?I honestly don't know......but I will post my long story tomorrow or if you wanna e-mail me u can at chatwithu35@hotmail.com thanx and GL!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 8:02am
Good morning everyone! Gee - there are so many of us in the same boat!!

For example - My H hates to dance, is a homebody, doesn't likw a crowd, etc. MM is in GREAT shape - he loves to be around people, is outgoing - we are just so much alike! H isn't much of a conversationalist, MM is SO smart and we can talk about anything.

So, would I leave H for MM? I don't know. A lot of things would have to fall into place - like MM and I would have to get custody of his and my kids. There is no way that either one of us will leave our spouse and not take the kids with us. So, we have talked about the fact that we WILL be together... it will just be 15 years from now when all the kids are grown!

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