In a LDEMA?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In a LDEMA?
8
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 8:49pm
I have a couple of questions:

I'm curious as to how many women here are in a LDEMA?

And for those who are, how often do you see your MM/OM?

Do you think it's easier with it being LD (less complicated maybe)? Or do you really wish you were in the same town and could be together more often?

MM just left to go "home" today, and I'm not sure when I'll see him again...I have no expectations really, but I know we'll stay in touch and as soon as he can be here again he will be. Of course, this A just "really" got started, and I've never been in this situation before, so I don't know how it's all going to turn out, but I was curious to see what others do/think and how you feel about it.

TIA!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
In reply to: mzsavage
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:12pm
I have been in a ldema for a few years, we live many states apart.

This summer was the 1st time we have met, it was the best weekend

I have had in years! We are looking forward to doing it again.

sunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
In reply to: mzsavage
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:24pm
Hi

I've been in my LDEMA for 5 months now. Since March, we have managed to see each other 8 days. This is our longest period apart (probably won't see him until end of September) and it drives me nuts. We have managed to schedule business trips in order to see each other these 8 days. After October, we'll be running out of excuses and may not see each other until January/February. NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS...

I think that sometimes it's easier that it's LD so the pressure isn't there to want to see each other every day since the whole EMA is confusing and frustrating to begin with. He is married with a young child and I am married with no kids. As hard as it is to be far away, it "paces" the relationship somewhat until we get the guts to leave. I'm not in love with my husband, he is the most wonderful man in the world but in my eyes, he is just my best friend. He has a son that is too young right now and the guilt is killing him to see how a divorce would affect his son.

We have often talked about how wonderful our time together is and have wondered what it would be like to be together. Having an LDEMA definitely keeps this a fantasy but it makes the time you have together SO special.

It's hard not to have expectations, isn't it? I want the phone calls/e-mails/time together to be more frequent. It's so hard to control the yearn that you feel to want the attention since you grasp at anything since you don't have the luxury of having them around.

Hope my input/experience helps.

GOOD LUCK WITH YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: mzsavage
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 1:35am
I've been in a LDEMA for over three years now and we've never been together physically. Given the distance, which is great, and the fact that we've not been together physicaly, I am often loath to call it an EMA. For me, being single, it's more an affair of the heart. For him, being the married one, I guess it is an EMA of sorts.

I think the distance makes it easier, at least for me, under the circumstances. He's told me more than once that if I was there with him, and he didn't have to be so far from his kids, he'd be divorced. And I don't doubt him for a moment, but I don't want to be the reason he divorces, so perhaps for now the distance is a good thing. Although, at times, it is just so hard not to be able to put your arms around the one you love.

I was planning on taking a holiday later this year to visit him, but fate had other ideas. I was retrenched earlier in the year, so spent the last 6 months completing my degree. Now I can't afford to go, either finalcially, time or career wise. Although he was disappointed, he was so sweet about it - he told me fate was controlling our destiny and that once we're together, we'll be together forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mzsavage
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 8:22am
It has been almost a year since we first saw each other. The longing is difficult at times, wanting to be in each other's arms, wanting to see him when I talk to him. The phone calls and e-mails keep wanting for more. He says he will take whatever he can get, even if it is only minimal, just to have me in his life. I can't give it up either. The distance and limited contact are like a slow burn. I try to think of his love for me like a gift, although at times I want more. I tell him. He does what he can given the circumstances.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: mzsavage
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 10:34am
I have been in a LDEMA for a little over a year. Between this past November and March, we saw each other 4 times. Since then, however, we haven't seen each other at all. We have made many attempts for me to go to him, or vice versa, but lack of funds and scheduling conflicts have prevented this.

Briefly, my story is this: MM and I met in college (before either one of us were married). I was dating now H, but he was b/f back then. H and I met in high school, broke up off and on when I went to college. Confused? MM and I hit it off right from day one. He and I dated off and on all 4 years, but bad timing caused a huge argument between us and we graduated without speaking a word. Fast forward 5 years of virtually no contact. The only way we heard about each other was through mutual friends. During those 5 years, I got married (to b/f from high school) and he also got married. One day he sends me an email - out of the blue - wanting to talk. We talked on the phone for months before I got the nerve to go see him. And the rest as they say is history.

I would LOVE to be able to see MM more often. To have the chance to see him and to feel him everyday would be wonderful, but I do think if we lived closer we would both be D by now. We both have kids and we love our spouses, but we do not want to hurt them....which is what would happen if we were closer. The distance helps us keep focus on our kids and making the marriage work, for them. It is easier to sort feelings knowing that we will not accidentally 'bump' into each other nor do we have to worry about the 'town gossip'. For that, I think LD is definitely less complicated.

We are forced now to focus on communication (which is something we didn't do very well the first go'round). We can talk about almost anything now. When I sense he is down, I send him a card telling him how much I miss him. We talk about fantasy vacations to exotic islands, and where we would move to when it was time for us to buy a house together. We always try to work on the next time we will be able to see each other. The distance has made us focus most of our time being friends, but when we do get together.........the 'small talk' is already out of the way! LOL!

For me, this is the way things have to be right now. I miss MM terribly, but we manage to get through it. I guess what I'm saying is a LDEMA can work if you want it to.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
In reply to: mzsavage
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 8:40pm
OM lives 300 miles /4.5 hours drive away. Our time together is rare but absolutely wonderful when it happens. We manage to get together for mutual business trips, so our visits entail overnights. Many local couples do not have the luxury of sleeping and waking up together so this adds to the value of my LDEMA. During the interim, we communicate by email, cell (my bills are sent to work so H doesn't see them) and text. To those out there, have you all tried text messaging? It is a great way to be in constant contact...

Pug

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: mzsavage
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 1:56pm
Thanks for everyone's responses -- it really helps to hear how others have handled it. For me, right now, I think the distance is good as well, because I think if we were closer it would get too complicated, and we'd probably end up getting caught. The urge to be together would outweigh the need to be discreet. lol

As it is right now, the phone calls are few and far between because his W has told him that she's going to be checking the next cell bill -- she's certain he's been in contact with me and thinks (rightly so) that we were together while he was here. Apparently, the entire time they've been together she's been paranoid about me, knowing how deeply in love we were before they got together.

Anyway, I'm getting off-topic. I don't know how some of you have done it for so long -- I keep thinking there's no way this could go on for that long, but then I read your stories and think that's probably a good possibility.

Thanks again for your responses!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
In reply to: mzsavage
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 2:08pm
I've been in a LDEMA for about 8 months now. It's tough because OM lives 750 miles away - 12 hours. So to see eachother we have to come up with an excuse to be away for an entire weekend. My H ended up finding out - I was with OM three times in 6 weeks. Kinda obvious. But my H and I were on the verge of D anyway, so that just pushed us over the edge. I like the distance right now because going through a D, I want to rediscover me again - not jump right into another R. So the distance between OM and I gives me the space I need and the lovin' I want! LOL