How do you know...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
How do you know...
6
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:44pm
How do you know when a M "should" be over? Tough question...I know, but any input would be great.

I am M/ no kids. I am married to the most wonderful/kind/sweet man but I am not in love with him and see him as my best friend. I've felt this way for 2 years now and have seen two different therapists to see what was wrong with me. I have been in an EMA for 5 months now and this almost pushed me into facing the fact that I should no longer be married. My H does not deserve this since he loves me so much and I cannot return this love and commitment. I've also decided that I do not want kids and my H was born to be a father. I have told him this almost hoping that he would toss me aside but he is now willing to make the sacrifice to not have kids to keep me. OUCH! I've also told him that I am not in love with him but I do love him. He is now in denial and is trying to be even more wonderful when he doesn't really need because that really isn't the problem.

My MM has a young child. He's not sure what to do either because the child is his biggest concern. We've often talked about just sucking it up and making the appropriate sacrifices to stay and be unhappy but it's such a sad thing to think about.

I have to admit, I am "observing" to see what MM decides to do but I am truly trying to focus on my M and what I need to do. I've often heard people here say that they have chosen to continue the EMA's and stay married. IF you were in my situation (no kids), would you still stay or would you leave?

It just kills me to think that I will hurt my H...but I feel that he is owed a heck of a lot more than what I am giving and can give him. He deserves better and I feel that I deserve to be happy as well rather than frustrated 24 hours a day.

THANK YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: torn22
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 8:57am
I think the fair thing to do is to tell him that you don't love him the way you think that a husband deserves to be loved, and then give him the option of what to do about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: torn22
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 9:21am
dear torn --

i know it's a hard decision to make, but you must make it for yourself. don't leave up to your H to take the necessary steps to end the M if you don't love him. take control of the situation and leave your M if you truly do not love him and do not want to spend your future with him. he will be hurt and so will you, but you're both adults and will get on with your lives. thank goodness you have no children, it makes the decision easier. you say it's been a couple of years that you've felt this way so don't waste anymore time. make a plan and stick to it -- figure out where you want to live, how much money you'll need and what possessions you want to take with you. sit down with your H down and tell him it's over and what you are doing.

and do not wait for or "observe" your MM. his life is his, not yours. he needs to make his own decision, as do you.

so in my opinion, just leave. life is too short to sit around wondering why you've stayed.

we're here for support and advice, no matter what you decide.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
In reply to: torn22
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 10:11am
Hi Torn,

I swear, this 'in love' business is certainly the running theme on the board lately...

Questions: when you married H in the beginning, were you in love with him? What does it mean to be in love vs. just loving someone? And is being in love what makes for a happy marriage?

Because if you were in love with him, don't you think it is normal that your feelings evolve? And if you decide to remarry, isn't it possible that this same pattern will develop?

Obviously if you aren't happy, then that is a different story, but you say that he is wonderful, kind, sweet, etc....So what gives? I don't necessarily think it is about H, but really you have to ask yourself, what is this M missing? And can I achieve it if I give 100%? And, lastly, do I want it? Be realistic here.

Ultimately it is your decision to make one last effort (and then you can say, well, I tried. I'm still not happy. And I need out) or you just get out now. Maybe marriage isn't for you, maybe H isn't for you. But ask yourself what you expect from H and an M before you decide...

Good luck,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: torn22
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 12:00pm
DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY...YOU CANT MAKE ANYONE ELSE HAPPY UNLESS YOU ARE HAPPY...

AND AS NICE AS YOUR H IS YOU JUST DONT LOVE HIM..THEN LEAVE NOW...LET HIM MAKE HIS LIFE AS MUCH AS IT MIGHT HURT HIM NOW..IM SURE HE WILL THANK YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

I HAVE BEEN THERE MY FIANCE WAS VERY NICE WITH MY SON...HE PRACTICALLY RAISED HIM BUT I WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM AND FINALLY I CAME TO REALIZE THAT HE WAS GETTING OLD AND HE HAD TO DO HIS LIFE AND IT WAS NOT FAIR FOR ME TO HOLD HIM BACK.

LET ME SAY SOMETHING BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER DONE...I AM FREE AND HAPPY.

YOU WITH MUCH MORE REASONS DONT HAVE A CHILD RIGHT NOW...DONT HAVE ONE IF YOU DONT WANT ONE RIGHT NOW...ENJOY YOURSELF AND DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

-SANDY

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: torn22
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 12:44pm
Can you figure out what it is that you see in the MM, and not in your H? Just be Thankful you don't have children, you don't have to base your marriage on that factor..Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
In reply to: torn22
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 7:14pm
Thank you all for your responses.

As you all have expressed and agreed upon, it's a tough decision. One that I will definitely make sure is the right one...not only for myself but for my H as well.

Someone mentioned the idea of love 'evolving' in a marriage. That's a good point. My only concern with that is that although the love evolves, a married couple should still be able to look at each other and feel not just love and friendship but a desire to say "I want or love being married to this person and only him for the rest of my life." Don't we owe them that? I just know that he deserves someone that appreciates him, loves him for it, and loves him enough to want to raise a family with him. I married him because he was my best friend and I felt that NO ONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD could love me as much as he does. I was right. Problem is...it's not enough for me anymore. I would love to live the rest of my 40-50 years of life being happy.

THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE. I appreciate the support. This board definitely helps me so much through this difficult time.