Aaagh! Shoot me in the head already!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Aaagh! Shoot me in the head already!!!
2
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 2:08pm
The affair began years ago during his 4th year of marriage to wife #1. After 2 years when I couldn't take it anymore & begged him to just go away, he wouldn't leave. I revealed everything to his wife, family, friends, church -- asking them, TELLING them to keep him away from me. We parted ways for several months, but he returned. We rekindled our relationship while he was in the process of getting a divorce, & he proposed. I accepted. He became distant; so much so that I broke it off & moved out of the state. As time passed we rebuilt our friendship & he eventually initiated discussion about our getting back together. I believed him. All during his claims of constant & undying love he was secretly dating the woman who is now wife #2. Once he revealed that he was expecting a child, we parted ways for 3 years. He claims to have married her because she became pregnant...yeah, right. No contact, no calls, no emails, nothing, for 3 years. I returned to my home state & after a year of having been back, he emailed me. After 3 months of emails & phone conversations we agreed to see one another, as we'd felt our friendship was worth salvaging even though we had no intention of having another affair.

I don't need to tell u what happened. It's been 2 months, & it's killing me. I've broken it off with him so many times, only to miss him so terribly that I've let him wear me down & have seen him again. On Monday (Tuesday?) I told him to come retrieve his things before I send them to wife #2. He stopped by yesterday (Wednesday), but left with nothing...& I realized when I walked him downstairs that he'd even left behind the ring he'd given me, which I returned upstairs while we were saying our goodbyes.

Why wouldn't he take the stuff knowing that I've thought of sending them to his wife? Why is he trying to hold onto the affair though he's made it clear through 2 marriages & being single that he doesn't want to be with me? I can say with absolute certainty that we love one another; it was one of those love at first sight things that I always thought was bunk. However, love's not enough apparently.

He always says that hindsight is 20/20. Keeps telling me that he regrets the choice he's made; that he's ruined our future. Yesterday he said that he's been in divorce court, & as awful as the experience was he can't say that he'll never end up there again. But he cried, saying that his wife would prohibit him from seeing his 2-yr-old son if he left. Yet he said he can't bear to be banished from my life, that he doesn't want to "remain in exile" & can't imagine going thru life without me. So how is it so easy to be without me, & with someone else?

Having his things here is a constant reminder that he isn't. His 4 year anniversary is next week. I feel guilt-ridden & stupid & absolutely alone. Some kinda fun combination.

He knows that I love him, but he also knows that I hate him, too. He was supposed to be in the first tower that fell on 9/11. We've always had this bizarre connection, knowing the other was nearby or that something was wrong when we hadn't spoken in months. I KNEW he was there that day & when I saw the news that morning ... can't even tell u what I felt. Knowing that he was okay... oh, goodness. I called his mom to check. I can't bear to lose him AGAIN, but having him in my life this way is painfully unnacceptable.

I am at such a loss for a way to let go of him once & for all. I know he'll be back; he'll call or stop by. & how do I turn away?

This sucks!


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 3:10pm
Tell him just that

"Having you in my life like this is PAINFULLY UNACCEPTABLE".

And make sure that "unacceptable" rolls of your tongue in a manner that it'll stick in his head, long after you've said goodbye. I too am in a relationship, but I married my "on again" "off again" man. Now, I am regretting it. I've said, sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. Now when you let go, YOU are going to have to be the one to cut those strings. Sounds like you have a magnificent friendship with this MM, but honestly, friends can cut us just as deep.

If he wanted to be with you Kira, he'd make that decision. His indecisiveness should be your fuel to get this over and done with once and for all.

I'm sorry, I know, I KNOW it hurts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 9:52pm
Thanks, D. Yes, it hurts like an SOB, but it is what it is. Today I did just that...phoned & told him that this involvement was painfully uacceptable & that I will no longer continue to be secondary/tertiary/anything but first in his life. Since he can't give me what I need, this is goodbye. He was frantic, & tried to talk but I told him I was on my way out the door. He kept imploring me to talk to him, but conceded only to say he'd call me tonight. I won't answer my phone. Thank goodness for caller ID.

Surprisingly, I feel okay. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Thanks for your support. I truly appreciate it.